B, I'm sorry. Learning that your H has taken that step is scary and hurtful. I remember when my H took the same action. He wanted a fair (no such thing with an MLCer), cheap and quick divorce and he wanted us to use some fly-by-night mediation service. He completed the paperwork and dropped it off for my signature. I refused. I knew at that point that all of his actions going forward would be self-serving and I was right. I know mediation can work and is a lot less expensive, but both spouses need to be amicable and in the right spirit.Your H is moving really fast. Mine did the same.
It is amazing to me how many people will leave a marriage, knowing they will hurt their kids and create financial strain on both households. I believe most marriages are salvageable with commitment and hard work. It must be incredibly rewarding for those who chose to weather difficult times together. On the other hand, dumping your family to seek happiness with OP seems empty and shallow. I'll never understand it.
Remember, you don't know what the future holds. Just because the process is started doesn't mean that a divorce will be finalized. Take it a day at a time.
Well, lunch turned into a four hour conversation that went no where....started off with h being very mean and ended with him being softer...amazing how he went from alien to himself in four hours...
Oh and a comment from H "my brain is like jello right now". Couldn't believe he said this...I had to laugh to myself when I heard.
So we are headed to mediation. I did exactly as Snodderly suggested listened, didn't agree to anything and stood firm on what I believed when questions were asked of me. H didn't like any of it. Got more angry as he progressed the conversation. At one point he started accusing me of more untruths and being his nasty self and I firmly told him that I had met him at his request and was willing to talk about things but wouldn't be disrespected like that, I got out of his car and went to mine, he got out of his and chased me across the parking lot...yelling the whole way.
Honestly, I really think that divorcing is what needs to be done at this point...H needs/wants closure and feels this is his way of getting it. I gave him some truth darts about some things he said...about how he felt in the marriage (I agreed with the things I felt were correct and disagreed with what I didn't and explained to him what I wanted out of "a marriage", not specifically ours. I told him that I was sorry that this was happening, wished him well and happiness in his future, told him that I wasn't holding him hostage in the marriage that he didn't want and he was free to do as he pleased even though it wasn't what I wanted.
He threatened things like custody of the kids, leaving me high &dry and homeless. I asked a lot of questions regarding the mediation process. He just kept telling me it was in everyones best interest? I told him I would look into it and get back to him. He didn't like that answer. I asked if he was going to pay for the divorce fees since this was what he wants...and he accused me of being bitter, ... squandering money...because he has seen me with some "new expensive things" lately. I asked him why he thought I had purchased them, and he then questioned that if I hadn't then I must be dating someone. He asked me if I was repeatedly, And I finally told him that I wasn't answering that question.
He repeated himself over and over, then flipped everything he said around to the opposite, and then back again throughout the conversation...the hamster wheel had me dizzy.
I think someone called the cops as they thought he was being verbally violent (I was in my car while H was standing outside of it flailing his arms around and screaming at the top of his lungs) and when the cops pulled up, H was calm by then and the cop pulled away.
So I ended everything with just saying I would look into the mediation and what it was about and contact the mediator that he has chosen, but reserved my right to not agree with mediation or the mediator he chose. He asked me when I was going to do this and I just responded as soon as I can. He didn't like that answer and accused me of dragging things out. He accused me of being very vague in all my responses to his questions and said "I know you, you are being very calculated and I don't believe anything you are saying". I know there is more, but I think everyone has got the drift...
In the end, it didn't matter if I listened, talked, disagreed, or agreed. I let him talk and responded with things that I felt needed answers, none of which he liked (surprise). I don't think we are going to be able to get through mediation...but I learned just how strong I could be today...H really dominated the conversation, and I just sat back calmly and responded when necessary...without defending myself...I asked him a lot of questions regarding things he said ... hoping to get his mind going...hoping he would really shed light for himself and gain some clarity on what this divorce would mean or at least some things to think about on his own....
At the end of the day, I am no longer fearful of the divorce. It is logically the next steps and what is needed for me to escape this drama. Things really cant get any worse as the divorce is just a piece of paper. Every day I see h like this reminds me of what I don't want or need in my life, and makes my feelings easier to deal with...I feel like I don't care anymore of the outcome...
I am not sure where we go from here, but I have other things to deal with tomorrow such as hopefully retaining my job that I never returned to today. God knows I don't want to lose that right now, and things aren't looking good that I didn't hurt myself with this one.
I don't think I am learning/doing my DB lessons well, but I do know that I felt good about the way I handled myself...I learned things about me...and saw that I can stand on my own. No regrets today with that.
I even learned a lot about H...in his spew was mixed rumblings of things in his life...he is not happy ( although I said he seemed very happy, and sorry he wasn't), ow was not part of his future, he didn't know what he was doing or where he was going, he may even regret all this one day, he can't think anymore than one day at a time about his life right now, he doesn't know what will make him happy, and no matter how much thinking he does, he can't seem to figure it out. I empathized with him on these topics.
He is deep in MLC, and Snodderly, yeah, he is not coming out anytime soon....and honestly may never...I see that clearly now, and believe it.
Sorry for the long post all over the place...I wanted to put down things that i felt important...bottom line in Divorce/MLC....there are no WINNERS!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
My H said and did so many similar things as yours. Mine will be one that will probably never come out of MLC too. This script is downright scary. The actions and words are identical. It's almost like invasion of the body snatchers.
Hang in the and keep us posted.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I'm so sorry you had to deal w/h and his crazy making behavior. You did a nice job of remaining calm, listening and validating. He so wanted you to get up in arms over things and you didn't. I knew he wouldn't be happy w/your responses, but you can't accept things at face value or agree to things that aren't in the best interest for you or your boys.
I do think you need to see legal counsel just to have a better understanding of what your rights are. Mediation is okay, but I've always leaned toward lawyers when it comes to settling up business affairs such as the ending of marriages.
Please do not second guess yourself...you did very well today. Your h is definitely circling earth and doesn't know what he wants in the way of living his life. Some day he will regret his choices.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have sought legal council, two different ones actually, and they both advised me of the same things, so I am full aware of my rights. I don't like the idea of mediation either. We don't have much to fight over, so while it makes sense to do so, I am not sure that H will see what I am entitled to and will agree. Heck, I mentioned as much yesterday when he started with what he felt fair, etc. I had my business hat on all the way.
NLW/Wishing - I am sorry that you have/had gone through the similar words. So hurtful aren't they? But in the end we will all survive.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Please take care of yourself. This is an extremely stressful time for you. I'm glad to read that you've sought legal counsel. You may need to pull that info out if he gets too out of this world on what he thinks is fair at some point.
No matter what happens, you will survive and go on to live a full life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am not sure where we go from here, but I have other things to deal with tomorrow such as hopefully retaining my job that I never returned to today. God knows I don't want to lose that right now, and things aren't looking good that I didn't hurt myself with this one.
Oh, I did retain my job. Wheww!!! But I am on very thin ice and was told "I need to get my head in the game". So I am focused on getting right at work right now...that has to be my number one priority...
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
B, no more lunch meetings with your H. If you must meet with him choose a time, preferably during the weekend, that won't jeopardize your job, have an agenda and a time limit. Make it a business meeting. If there are some things that you can get resolved between you, great. If that's not possible, don't meet.
The spewing will likely continue. It did in my case until I blocked all communication. They need to continue to justify their actions. I suggest you not give your H the opportunity. You've been emotionally battered enough. When you feel stronger it will be easier to listen and validate.
Focus on your job and getting your ducks in a row. Staying on top of your life will give you choices. Find a way to reduce your debt. There are non-profit agencies that may be able to help you. It's challenging, but you can do it.
Take very good care of yourself so that you can take care of the boys. D takes awhile and is exhausting. Try not to focus on it daily. Use this time to really think about what makes you happy. Rest, exercise, get your home in order and whatever else you need to do to preserve your sanity and nurture your soul. Learn about you. You won't have time to focus on your H.
You are right, you need to get your head in the game at work. Make that right. It's important to you especially right now. I've been there, and it's not a happy prospect (almost lost it twice over all of this. My fault, but it was a lot more pressure I didn't need I think we've all heard these types of things, BRNR. It's not uncommon. The jello comment was interesting. He knows he's not right but is making life-altering decisions? That says quite a bit about the pressure he feels right now.
Quote:
H really dominated the conversation
. Um. No he didn't. He ranted like a lunatic. You dominated it in the sense that you handled it very well. Kudos to you for keeping your cool for that long in the face of what he was doing and the level of energy he was putting into it.
You can see what a lunatic he is right now, right? Mediation is not likely with that type of person. As a friend once told me, "I can show you how to negotiate with 99% of the people out there for millions of dollars each. The one person that you cannot negotiate with is a crazy person." He used to be a divorce lawyer and quit that business because of what he saw and didn't like. He negotiates daily and teaches those skills to crowds of people at a time. And he was right, as much as I didn't want to admit it at the time.
Be cautious when dealing with your H at this time. His way of dealing with things is very unpredictable and somewhat irrational. It'll be very difficult to get agreements signed by him.
I know it's a tough road, but you're walking it well.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
