Not confused...trying to keep hope alive!!!

[BRNR]

Well, lunch turned into a four hour conversation that went no where....started off with h being very mean and ended with him being softer...amazing how he went from alien to himself in four hours...

Oh and a comment from H "my brain is like jello right now". Couldn't believe he said this...I had to laugh to myself when I heard.

So we are headed to mediation. I did exactly as Snodderly suggested listened, didn't agree to anything and stood firm on what I believed when questions were asked of me. H didn't like any of it. Got more angry as he progressed the conversation. At one point he started accusing me of more untruths and being his nasty self and I firmly told him that I had met him at his request and was willing to talk about things but wouldn't be disrespected like that, I got out of his car and went to mine, he got out of his and chased me across the parking lot...yelling the whole way.

Honestly, I really think that divorcing is what needs to be done at this point...H needs/wants closure and feels this is his way of getting it. I gave him some truth darts about some things he said...about how he felt in the marriage (I agreed with the things I felt were correct and disagreed with what I didn't and explained to him what I wanted out of "a marriage", not specifically ours. I told him that I was sorry that this was happening, wished him well and happiness in his future, told him that I wasn't holding him hostage in the marriage that he didn't want and he was free to do as he pleased even though it wasn't what I wanted.

He threatened things like custody of the kids, leaving me high &dry and homeless. I asked a lot of questions regarding the mediation process. He just kept telling me it was in everyones best interest? I told him I would look into it and get back to him. He didn't like that answer. I asked if he was going to pay for the divorce fees since this was what he wants...and he accused me of being bitter, ... squandering money...because he has seen me with some "new expensive things" lately. I asked him why he thought I had purchased them, and he then questioned that if I hadn't then I must be dating someone. He asked me if I was repeatedly, And I finally told him that I wasn't answering that question.

He repeated himself over and over, then flipped everything he said around to the opposite, and then back again throughout the conversation...the hamster wheel had me dizzy.

I think someone called the cops as they thought he was being verbally violent (I was in my car while H was standing outside of it flailing his arms around and screaming at the top of his lungs) and when the cops pulled up, H was calm by then and the cop pulled away.

So I ended everything with just saying I would look into the mediation and what it was about and contact the mediator that he has chosen, but reserved my right to not agree with mediation or the mediator he chose. He asked me when I was going to do this and I just responded as soon as I can. He didn't like that answer and accused me of dragging things out. He accused me of being very vague in all my responses to his questions and said "I know you, you are being very calculated and I don't believe anything you are saying". I know there is more, but I think everyone has got the drift...

In the end, it didn't matter if I listened, talked, disagreed, or agreed. I let him talk and responded with things that I felt needed answers, none of which he liked (surprise). I don't think we are going to be able to get through mediation...but I learned just how strong I could be today...H really dominated the conversation, and I just sat back calmly and responded when necessary...without defending myself...I asked him a lot of questions regarding things he said ... hoping to get his mind going...hoping he would really shed light for himself and gain some clarity on what this divorce would mean or at least some things to think about on his own....

At the end of the day, I am no longer fearful of the divorce. It is logically the next steps and what is needed for me to escape this drama. Things really cant get any worse as the divorce is just a piece of paper. Every day I see h like this reminds me of what I don't want or need in my life, and makes my feelings easier to deal with...I feel like I don't care anymore of the outcome...

I am not sure where we go from here, but I have other things to deal with tomorrow such as hopefully retaining my job that I never returned to today. God knows I don't want to lose that right now, and things aren't looking good that I didn't hurt myself with this one.

I don't think I am learning/doing my DB lessons well, but I do know that I felt good about the way I handled myself...I learned things about me...and saw that I can stand on my own. No regrets today with that.

I even learned a lot about H...in his spew was mixed rumblings of things in his life...he is not happy ( although I said he seemed very happy, and sorry he wasn't), ow was not part of his future, he didn't know what he was doing or where he was going, he may even regret all this one day, he can't think anymore than one day at a time about his life right now, he doesn't know what will make him happy, and no matter how much thinking he does, he can't seem to figure it out. I empathized with him on these topics.

He is deep in MLC, and Snodderly, yeah, he is not coming out anytime soon....and honestly may never...I see that clearly now, and believe it.

Sorry for the long post all over the place...I wanted to put down things that i felt important...bottom line in Divorce/MLC....there are no WINNERS!