It may have been a backslide, but I was stating my boundary that I love him and if he is not prepared to R, or work towards it, I will let him go now. I am moving forward. As he has noticed that I have distanced in the business, and he wondered (this is how the convo started). When I suggested this, he did seem to back peddle a bit as he kept saying he isn't sure about anything. I think this is what he means about the positives... can I ask?
He has said he has cried, wakes up in the night in the dark wandering back to the dark bedroom, upset and alone. My MD card to his mom made him cry too. He understands my comments about "family" and traditions that I am greatful for. How I will miss them.
He did say alot of positives too. I am still trying to recall them. He did talk about us living together in the future, just not THAT house. He is firm about that.
The part about me having a house and car, is about him relieving his guilt of never giving them to me. Which is why he now, insists on paying me first (outstanding salary, loans), before taking any for himself. We are in a position now to do begin to do this...
He has not taken any pictures or my belongings down as he wants to respect my things (and my exh did that years ago and it is a sore spot, felt like a push out). He isn't even convinced that he wants to renovate, because he wants to move out... but cannot, due to the property and its involvement to our business. I suggested that we reno temporary until we went on our own (original plan), but he doesn't see it as a BIG enough change. If you recall, he wants BIG CHANGES!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
//I am saying that I want him to be able to commit fully to "piecing", and he cannot with committment. I think he wants to want to do it on his own. // what I meant to say, is that he wants to make this decision on his own.
please help me write a text message back... I want to validate and I want him to feel like I am letting him go. (I dont think he liked that feeling)
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, Ultimatums don't work when someone is confused about life in general. They 99% of the time will take the easiest way out of a situation versus doing the hard work. What you want and what he wants right now are entirely two different things. He wants his independence and he does not want a personal relationship w/you. You want him to comment to piecing and he's not even close to that part of commitment w/you right now. In fact, I see him going the other way very hard and fast because you are very needy and he can't deal w/that right now.
I think you need to leave well enough alone for the evening. Why set yourself up for more hurt by texting him? Just leave the issue alone and if you need to revisit the conversation tomorrow, just say "I'm sorry you feel the way that you do". Do not tell the man you are lonely or say ILY. He already knows how you feel and he knows you are very needy and in a panic. Do not add any additional pressure on him. Back off, leave him alone and give him ample space to think about the situation.
We have been telling you for a long time to keep the focus on you and yes, you need to save yourself first. You may want to go home, but he's made it very plain that home is where you are right now...at your parents. He's already begun the process of removing any reminders of you in the home he is living in right now...the message is very clear...he wants his independence.
Magic, please leave him alone. It's time that you turned the focus back on to you. You didn't break him, therefore you control him and you sure as h@ll can't change his mind about how he feels at this moment.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I didnt mean it to come across as an ultimatum... I was trying to say I love you enough to let you go... I actually said it like that. And that it sounded like he wanted me to be moving on, so I will... but, then again when phrased like that... he flipped the switch on that and said he doesnt know what he wants.
I just want him to know I will not be "waiting"... as I recall one of Sandi's rules to be.
Kind of like I am keeping the door slightly open, but looking onward.
I didn't realize that by doing this it would be considered a backslide... back to zero? or worse? really?
Snodderly... I have left him alone, haven't I? Other than business, there is nothing else.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
i cannot reply to his text saying "im sorry you feel the way you do"...it doesn't connect.
His text was:
"wfm, instead of seeing the positive in what I said you went the other way"
how can I reply?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, Mlcers do not hear very well when it comes to us telling them things, such as not waiting around. When you state that you are not waiting around, it comes across as a threat or an ultimatum. Also, do not tell him that you are going to start dating. Why? Because this will alleviate some of the guilt he may feel for the way he's been treating you, i.e., he may be happy to see you do this, therefore, it would open the door for him to do so as well.
Many of us have discovered that actions speak louder than words. By that, show him that you are moving forward. This could be done by not responding to business related work during your personal time, not jumping to answer his texts or calls on your personal time, speaking to him in a business, detaching, staying busy w/new hobbies, going out w/friends, learning new things, etc. By doing some things for yourself, on your own, you are leaving the door ajar...you don't need to tell him this.
Yes, you backslid today, but it's not the end of the earth. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. You are going to have a number of backslides before this is over with. We all have had them and you've now gotten your fingers burned at the hot stove...learn not to touch the hot stove again, i.e., no relationship discussions.
I think a nice, hot bubble bath is what you need this evening. Tomorrow is another day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Do not reply to the text this evening. Wait until tomorrow and see if he brings it up w/you. If he does, you can always use what T^2 and others have stated about how he feels.
Leave it alone for now!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H, when you said you wanted to renovate and take away my stuff, and do things without me and that you need space from everything, it hurt me deeply. I am having difficulty understanding your message suggesting the positives... please explain? what other way can I go with this?"
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
tx snodderly... I dont want to really reply for a few days or even 24 hours. I want to shut down and rest/breathe...cry.
If I run away from my responsibilities/work, etc. He will eventually be pissed off...oh well, right?
If he calls or texts back tonight... I want to be prepared.
Please tell me what I can say specifically... maybe by tomorrow?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)