So, W got angry tonight because she says that we agreed that whoever's night it was to bring the twins to bed wouldn't have to bring the big kids to bed. But that's SO not true! We agreed that whoever has "twin duty" (lol) would do everything -- dishes, twins, big kids, etc. -- so we would always know when we could go out: if it's your night, don't make plans.
I think I'm going to have to insist that she put everything in writing.
W is also still wondering if I'm on drugs. Don't know how to convince her that tI'm not without explaining detachment to her, so I just told her that I understood why she's feeling that way, but that it's just not the case -- I'm high on life!
W has also snapped at me a few times this week when I was singing to myself. It's just what I do, particularly when I'm happy (go figure, haha). I wanted to say, I'll stop singing when you stop yelling, but thankfully I bit my tongue.
Oh yeah, and here's another thing. I've mentioned my W's newfound modesty. She used to parade around in her altogether (morals regarding nuditybbeing much more relaxed in Europe than in the USA), but sinxe BD, she's been all bathrobes and locked doors. I wanted to say, I've seen you in your birthday suit ao often that any time I wanna see you au natural, all I've got to do is close my eyes and picture it, but again I held my tongue.
Anyway, here's the thing: we both went running tonight (separately) and both needed showers. W was taking a long time so I asked if I could hop in the shower and I'd be done in two minutes. W said no, even though she takes her time in the bathroom. So, whatever. Then I got to thinking: she thought I meant that I would be in the shower while she was in the tub with the twins!
I really think she thought I just wanted to sneak a peek, whereas I meant that I would shower first and then she could get in the tub after I had rinsed off. I might be reading too much into it (and don't really care, to be honest), but it seems like she looks for those types of situations so she can say to herself, see, he's still trying to pursue me.
She just seems to be having trouble believing that I'm reconciled to the situation now. And if she's not happy with the consequences of her decisions, well, she dropped the bomb. She isn't responsible for my needs anymore, but uh, I'm not responsible for hers either. So GLWT...
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Funny Papa4Life, my W acted all modest as soon as she dropped the BD. Locked bathroom door, dressed behind a locked bedroom door, everything. It must be another step to them trying to admit to themselves it's over.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
W e-mailed to say that, since S11's kids b-day party will likely be postponed, she wants to tell the kids about D this weekend. I don't understand her rush, I really don't. Well...I suppose she's itching to move forward, but is she really willing to put the kids through that?
It might be that she wants to cut that last thread between us, and that's fine. I can accept that. But we're going to be living together for at least a couple of months still, so why saddle them with this burden now?
I replied saying that I thought it could wait, but I suppose she has her reasons and I suggested talking about it later.
W has never been what you call flexible once she's made a decision, so I might not have much of a say in this either, like so many times throughout our M.
So it goes.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
I don't post often here, but do follow many situations. As I was reading the most recent posts from Intact an Papa4life regarding the kind of knee jerk responses of our spouses when they decide to drop their bombs on us and our children, I was struck with an experience with my own WAH or H in midlife crisis. It is more of an observation than anything else, but maybe some of the vets on this site can offer some insight into it.
I can think of three different times other than the initial BD when my H who is normally very calm cool and collected, got almost a panicky urgent need to get information out on the table. All three times involved delivering very difficult information to our three boys, such as, "I am leaving home and moving elsewhere." "I don't see your Mom and I as being able to reconcile" and "I have filed for divorce." In all three instances, his timing was not good, for various reasons, the setting not conducive to a conversation about a serious topic, and all three times, he did this before some big event in his own life. Example, he wrote a letter to our boys, who are all in college, to tell them he was filing for divorce, the night before he left for a two week trip to Hong Kong.
In each instance, my H who is a lawyer, and who normally has his act together, who is meticulous at assessing when, where and what to say in a given situation, kind of lost his s@#t, and came off in panic mode, looking very unglued as he delivered his message. I haven't really heard the word "spew" used anywhere as much as on this site, but it does describe the visual. When I watch him during these times, he is a completely different person, and he can't wait to get the words out fast enough and be done with it and take off.
I don't have any great insights into this. But it is a consistent behavior I have observed and one that I find myself having to pick up the pieces after he unloads his burden of information. We have been married for 27 years, and this is truly weirdly aberrant behavior for my H. I have to believe it must scare him a little also, as he must know this is weird for him.
I don't have any great proven advice on this, but when able, try to get agreement about how and when and where the difficult conversations with children take place. I know this is not easy. In the three instances I referenced above, I had no warning.....he just had to get it out for whatever reason. Our boys are older, ages 19-23 so they are old enough to see their Dad's behavior for what it is, which is slightly helpful, but no less hurtful. In the instance of the letter, the three of them agreed not to read his letter. They told me later, they knew it would be more of the same, and they are sick of hearing about how unhappy he is.
There must be something about the mindset of the WAS that they become impulsive at times to the great detriment of those who love them. Or I wonder if the WAS has plotted and staged their exit strategy for soooooo long, that they finally, get sick of waiting and detonate.
Hi Anniekate, thanks for your post. I think you've hit on something there at the end: they have just been thinking about it for so long, they've just GOT to take action. Perhaps for fear of losing their nerve?
I mean, is their need for escape really that great that they would allow their children to experience that pain? Oh wait, that's right: yes, they are. It's sad.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
We had some people come by today to view the house (which has been on the market for more than a year now). The realtor called yesterday late in the afternoon, so it was a mad scramble to clean the place up last night.
After thinking about all the feedback I received, and having gone over it in my head, I decided to suggest to W that we hold off on telling the kids. She didn't respond to my e-mail, but later after cleaning the house from top to bottom, just as I was heading up to bed, she asked, "Aren't we going to talk about the kids?"
I was exhausted after a long day with the girls and errands and the extreme home makeover (lol) so I asked her if we could schedule another time to discuss it.
She might think that my wanting to wait to tell the kids is just another delaying tactic, but that's not true. I don't see the need to have the disaster hanging over their heads if it's going to take another few months. If she needs to tell them to have some kind of certainty, well, that's up to her.
I just keep moving forward, focusing on things I can control, and GAL like crazy!!
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
