Suckerpunch down to the wire

[kingdl]

I can tell that you are really angry. I understand that you come here to vent. It is certainly better to vent here than to vent to your W or even many other places. Is the venting helping? Your posts justs seem to be getting more angry and more defensive.

If you feel better by venting, feel free. Have you considered doing something else though? You seem vindicated that you are doing the right thing and that the courts will see your arguments. What would happen if you just let the courts deal with it then? Probably not an easy thing to do. Leave it up to your capable attorney and try to forget about it for awhile. GAL. What would you be doing differently tomorrow if you woke up and there was no divorce to worry about?

I know alot of my advice is really crazy and out there. At least I hope you read this and realize that there is a different mindset you could have. It may not be the one I propose. Whatever it is, your mindset is the one you choose. What mindset do you want?

[adinva]

I was thinking similarly, that SP has a lawyer. Lawyer's job is to figure out what W is entitled to legally. All this spinning around about what W deserves or not is just idle spinning with a bunch of non-attorneys in the peanut gallery. What W is not entitled to, W will probably not get whether she thinks she deserves it or not. This isn't a subjective decision. I find when the outcome depends on some input that I don't have yet (ie, the lawyer's advice and action), it is counterproductive to spin around with what-ifs and wherefores.

SP you do seem really really angry. Completely separately from the financial and legal outcome of this, you'll need to find a way to work through that if you want to be a person who isn't angry. It's not about the world conspiring to make you happy or angry. Most peaceful people have good reason to be angry just as most angry people do. Independent of the details, there's a choice and an intention to release what seems unfair. I'm in the process of trying to do that too, and some days I do better than others. I'd still like to be on record as the good one who was unfairly treated, but that doesn't get me where I want to go in life.

[swoop]

The business itself is probably worth a little bit, but the property is worth a small fortune. The point that is most important here is the fact that my shares were "gifted" to me. I consulted my business attorney and he said that it was clearly documented.

My divorce attorney says that I am "very well insulated", and I don't think she is telling me I am fat....haha

With that said, I doubt wife would be able to "take" what she feels is fair. My personal dilema is I know putting her out on the street with nothing isn't fair either. She obviously will need more than my measly little retirement fund and a few bucks in child support.

[swoop]

So, wife texts me today, and I would like some input on this because it seems so strange to me.

This weekend is a Canadian Holiday. Our business will be PACKED. We throw a small dance every year that I DJ for our customers, as well as lots of events for the kids during the weekend. In wifes text, she asked me if there was going to be a theme for the dance because she wanted to put some outfits together for her and daughter.....WHAAAAAT? She is coming to the dance that I am DJing for our customers? How insanely awkward that is going to be. The first really big event weekend and wife and I will be at opposite ends of an extremely small dance floor? If she wants away from me, my family and this business WHY is she attending our special events?

I didn't mention any of the awkwardness in my reply, just told her there wasn't a theme. I really did feel like asking her not to attend. I knew I probably shouldn't say anything, so I didn't. It does however feel very uncomfortable for me. Would I be out of line sending her a message asking her not to attend any of the events we are putting on? I mean for Gods sake, she wanted to go away....GO AWAY ALREADY! Let me start my new future without looking at her face everytime I turn around. It makes detaching almost impossible for me. I see her coming and going and visiting and socializing. It's too much!

[25yearsmlc]

You're not going to like this so take a big breath and then let it go...
I know what is fair, but I also know what I am able to do financially without hindering my own future.
D Court addresses the finances of both parties and will try to strike a balance from what's in the marital pot. Whether or not that hurts your future won't be a factor. Whether of not it hurts your W's future won't be a factor. It's not about the future, it's about the right now.

What's she's asking for now and what she'll actually get may be 2 very different things. You're stressing about things that haven't happened yet, this is a pattern with you.

One more little thing, which if you can control might make a huge difference in your outlook. There is a hint ofmy W wants out of the marriage so everything she did during the marriage is now worthless and I should get whatever I want. Before you jump into defensive mode, just think about this for 24-48 hours. I think we all start out there, there's no shame in it, it's just not the truth.

I doubt that your W woke up one day and thought, "Today begins my plan to screw-over SP!" This has been difficult for her, too. She loves your daughter and knows that life as she's known it is about to change in a very big way. For whatever reason this is the choice your wife felt she had to make. But that doesn't negate the fact that the 2 of you were equal partners for several years. If you now feel that you weren't, this isn't the time to address that.

I know her decision is causing you hurt.

Try not to be one of those hurting people who hurts other people. It's a vicious cycle.

WHAT SHE SAID...^^^^^ please listen to us. You cause yourself MORE pain by ignoring us.

what YOU think is fair and what YOU THINK you can afford are not the same. And not relevant in court.
Plus, no one "benefits" from this. You really believe she'll be skipping away happy and "rich"? And stop devaluing all she did b/c she left you. I swear you really do have selective memory.

She won't be "living the life" if she gets $40k, AND half of the assets, b/c based on YOUR view, it's so little, she'll have nothing within 18 months at most,

and with what type of income?? You're better off either way, financially, than she is.

So if it's "winning" that you want, then congratulate yourself.

[AnotherStander]

Would I be out of line sending her a message asking her not to attend any of the events we are putting on? I mean for Gods sake, she wanted to go away....GO AWAY ALREADY! Let me start my new future without looking at her face everytime I turn around. It makes detaching almost impossible for me. I see her coming and going and visiting and socializing. It's too much!

Well I can see your point, it's tough to detach when you're around her all the time. But on the other hand if you tell her not to go she will likely perceive you as being petty and vindictive towards her, and can you really stop her from going anyway? On the plus side, since you'll be DJ'ing you won't be able to watch D, so if your W is there then it's a way for D to be there too and you won't have to worry about watching her yourself. I guess I'd suggest just letting her go, and you showing a ton of PMA, confidence and contentment. Maybe she'll see you there having fun and it might sow some seeds of interest. Show her someone who is moving on and happy in life regardless of whether or not she's part of it.

[swoop]

I get it 25, and trust me I listen to every word that is shared with me. I completely value the insight I am given from all of you. Thank you :-)

To be honest, I am doing a lot more venting and chest pounding on here than I probably am in person. It is just hurt talking, hurt and confusion. The more I reflect on the marriage, the more I struggle with understanding wifes choices. When you factor in the our daughter, the financial aspect and the fact that wife enjoyed her life at our business, it really makes it harder to understand. I just don't fully get it, at least not to this degree. I know that isn't wifes view of things, but it is still hard for me to swallow.

[swoop]

I guess I'd suggest just letting her go, and you showing a ton of PMA, confidence and contentment. Maybe she'll see you there having fun and it might sow some seeds of interest. Show her someone who is moving on and happy in life regardless of whether or not she's part of it.

This is exactly what I will do. It will be awkward and uncomfortable for me, but that is how it should be handled. Thanks, AS

[MrCAS]

Want to talk business?

When I told my business partner of 16 years I wanted to MN because my W wanted to move closer to home and family, he said, "I knew this was going to happen the minute you married that c***." He said that twice in a span of three minutes.

So when I had my heart attack 24 minutes later and was in the hospital for twelve days, he spent that time changing the name of the business, taking all the money out of all the accounts, changed all the tax info, and changed the locks on the door. He came to see me zero times in the hospital.

So he bought me out with a six year old S10 longbed pickup, $4000 cash (which he deducted $120 for the cellular bill), a computer, some software, a plotter, and let me take the equipment I had brought into the business.

Quit talking about fair.

A note for the others... The value of what a business could be sold for and what it is actually worth are worlds apart. Part of a businesses worth is what is known as "blue sky". That is the perceived value of the customer base and future income.

When I left my shop, I was told by my lawyer friend that my partner could have argued that I caused irreparable harm to the business by leaving. I took what I got and left.

[MrCAS]

I should have said business sale value not worth for "blue sky"... A business is only worth the total of it's assets.