we own a business - pt 9 ... its about me!

[makingmagic]

LONG STORY while working with h today: (out of order)

it starte with messages from exh got me upset and crying, in front of h. Eventually this turned into R talk and he is saying he is still unsure & open to R, but not willing to commit to it. He said he will be renovating his house as he feels he will still be there for awhile, I said how I wanted to come home. He understands that. He feels like he is living in a mausoleum and asked me to come help me move my stuff so he can reno, even into the attic... will leave my D22 bedroom intact. Pictures of family on wall and in bedroom hurt him. He still wants to be in a business with me. I asked if he still loved me. He said he didn't know what love is. He asked if my parent love each other, I said oh yes, they decide to love eachother every day. I explained how important it was to me to take what we have learned while we were apart and apply it to a new rel'p. He wants me to buy a house & be independent. He wants me to have a nice car.

Very long convo. Out of order

I told him that I am not perfect but I am a good person, he agreed and said it back. He views our time together as a good time, and will not speak badly of me. I asked about sex (he said he is having some problems ATM). I told him I missed sex.

I asked what he would think of me being with another guy. He said he wouldn't like that. I said that I wasn't ready yet, because of working on me and our reconcilliation.

He admits to being scatterbrained and wishes something would hit him in the head.

End: I said sounds like you are asking me to move on with my life. ILY and am willing to let you go. I will. I am missing my home, my best friend, affection and love. I will feel good that I did all that I can to reconcile, but cannot do it alone. He would not commit. I said I need a commitment. Then he said no. I said fine and walked away. I had to call back (car trouble), and ended up saying "all I was asking for was a chance... f it!" and hung up on him. He has since texted and called.

His text said" wfm, instead of seeing the positive in what i said you went the otherway"

He has called a few times now, I can't bear to answer. I am hurting and don't want to talk or have a business with him. I

[MrBond]

Take a deep breath. Sorry you had to go through that. One thing to remember is that this is exactly what many posters have told you will happen if you continued to push.

Just don't answer his calls for awhile and concentrate on yourself. You can do it.

[makingmagic]

what does his text mean?... sounds to me like he wants to keep me on the fence

[makingmagic]

mrbond... he did say several times that he is still unsure about us and is wanting space. He did lead me to believe that after our busy business season was done that we could look at our "friendship" again (2 months??) and see how that goes.

Im just sooooo tired of all this, and "pretending" that business as usual is killing me. Do I have to do this?

Can I not just ignore him now & run away from the business for a month... till I have detached and healed a little?

[MrBond]

No you're mindreading again.

Go back to your post about the conversation. He did say some positive things such as how he wouldn't like it if you were seeing someone else and that it hurt him to see the photos, etc. However, what he doesn't truly understand (despite the fact that he says he does)is that the conflict is all within him. It isn't the photos that hurt him. It's himself.

When he talks like that, that's when you're supposed to validate how he feels. However, you interjected what makes YOU happy and what YOU miss, etc. When you said that YOU missed your house, he said you should find your own place. Right now it has to be all about him.

You don't need to agree to what his actions are, but you have to agree that he has a right to feel the way he does. He has to work these things out himself.

I really am sorry you're feeling the way you do. You have to hone your listening skills more when it comes to him.

[TSquared2]

I am sorry to hear that wfm...it is so painful, I know.

I have heard "I don't know" a zillion times from W, it's part of the mlc/was script/process, and yes, she's keeping me on the fence as far as she is concerned, she just cannot re-commit right now, and hasn't been able to for a long time...It's part of the mlc process, journey, whatever...it can mean nothing in a week or a month or...who knows?

Right now, focus on you, study this mlc thingy, learn all you can, then it won't hurt as much as understanding works it's stuff.

Hang in there, go rent a funny movie or two maybe?

T^2

[reachingHigher]

Take heart, wfm.

I was remembering that two weeks after my H moved out I saw a pic of him on FB with THREE women with their arms all around each other and holding wine glasses and smiling. I called H at midnight and at 6 am wanting to talk about the R. I only slept one hour that night. (I hadn't registered here yet but was reading.). On the phone my H nearly said we were through! I was horrified! I quickly backpedalled.

Here's an entry from my journal from April 6, 2012:

So I have a lot of work to do. And I'm afraid. I also feel not only did I set the clock back to zero, but I pushed us back some. He doesn't miss me or us and with more times like this, he won't either!

So...my point is???

Do what Bond said. Don't worry about what the text means. Back off and start working on YOU.

Like he said, "you can do it". You really can.

Go over some of the advice to you recently. Make some lists and decisions tonight. Then roll up your sleeves!!!

Hugs,
rH

[job]

Magic,
I'm sorry you were hurt today, but we all have tried to warn you that if you push and continue to push, he will come out swinging and you would not like what you would hear.

For now, I think the message has clearly been stated, i.e., he's not interested in a sexual relationship w/you and possibly w/anyone at the moment. He's not "in love" at the moment and these are his feelings to own and you have to respect him for that. There's nothing you can do to convince him otherwise. His rationale is rather odd, i.e., he wants to buy a house and be independent. That tells me he wants to be on his own. He wants you to have a nice car...why? Because it's his way of appeasing his guilt for what he's done and continues to do. It's also called pulling the wool over your eyes, because he wants you to think that he cares about you so that you don't really see what is happening.

His actions are clear, i.e., he wants your belongings packed up and moved out of the way. He has stated that the pictures of the family have hurt him and I am guessing he's taking them down as well. Notice how he's leaving d22's bedroom intact? For now, he doesn't want the reminders of you in his line of vision. He definitely wants to keep the business and his personal life separate and he has clearly drawn the line in the sand about his personal living arrangmenets. This is typical of someone in mlc or a spouse that walks away from a relationship, i.e., they actually had mentally moved on loing before the BD and didn't bother to tell us that they had.

We aren't mind readers and no one truly knows what he meant by his text to you. I'm going to go out a limb and say that maybe, what he's referring to as a positive is the fact that he is renovating his home and possibly looking down the road to sell it or the fact that everything is out in the open now and you know where he stands in the relationship. It's hard to say, but my advice is to leave him alone.

Now, about the legalities of your relationship. Earlier you posted that you and your business partner are not married. If you do not have a marriage license, you will need to check w/your state to see how common law marriages would be handled when it comes to finances and the business. It is very important that you do this and please, do not think he will be fair to you. After what happened today, I would strongly urge you to seek legal counsel to find out what you would be entitled to if this separation should continue into going your separate ways permantely.

For once, please listen to us and get some legal advice. Your SO has stated that he's not going to give you a commitment...you now need to protect all that you have worked so hard for. If you don't, you will have no one to blame but yourself.

Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and begin planning how you are going to GAL. It's time to start moving forward and turning the focus back on to YOU.

[makingmagic]

tx guys... I feel I ended it with him in an ultimatum, to which he declined (sort of).... I am saying that I want him to be able to commit fully to "piecing", and he cannot with committment. I think he wants to want to do it on his own.


I suggested a "chance" and then he texted me about positives of his message (not sure what they are to him).



should I respond to his text then, by saying:

"I understand that you are confused and are having difficulty with what you are feeling. However, I too am confused and lonely. I feel good about myself and my changes. ILY but will understand and move on.

or should I ask him about the "positives" that he feels I went the other way with?

Im pretty certain that he wants me to reply to him....

I just want to curl up and die now... I dont want to do this anymore! I want to go HOME. If we cannot be a family any more, I need a break... I dont care about the business right now! I must save me first!

[~ kd ~]

He THINKS that being apart will solve his "problems" or make him happy. He admits he is confused. He admits that he doesn't like the idea of you being with someone else. He wants you to be happy.

The conversation had its own uniqueness for your sitch, but the general theme is similar to any other LBS of an MLCer.

It ain't over and this one backslide is not going to seal the deal.

Take what ever time you need to work through your emotions and then get back up on that horse and keep moving forward.