Still Struggling and need help #3

[TSquared2]

Maybe take MLC and tat-boy out of the equation...would you at least look around and explore for a job there? You wrote:

The irony is, there is some logic in where she wants to move and why. We loved it there, I graduated from there, lot's of positives there. There is the one MINOR DETAIL that I don't have a job there,

Yes, in this economy the job thing is HUGE, I get that.

But, what if W leaves and moves there anyway, without you, what would that look like with custody, etc?

What if you find a good job there and move, and W still leaves?

What if she doesn't?

You do have a very valid point about getting to somewhere to stay put for the high school years.

I guess my point is, would it hurt to just privately explore the job market there (maybe I missed it if you have already, if so, my apologies), even if just so YOU know what is possible? Take a bit of the unknown out of your mind?

And THEN look at things as they are, with more full knowledge of all the ramifications and terrain.


T^2

[reachingHigher]

CB, I had some thoughts about what your W said about tat-boy.

On Sunday night, at a small gathering for a jazz concert, my H struck up a convo with a young couple just behind us that attended the local university. We asked about their majors, job potential and so on. My H said "I've already screwed up my life but you two have lots of opoortunity ahead of you."

So today, H & I had some time alone together in a car, and I asked him what he meant by that. He said he meant in a career. I said he has done really well. I've said so many times before, like a broken record, what a great job he has done -- federal job making $125K a year, with almost no work hours outside his 40 hours/week. Paid off mortgage, home in the country, two healthy kids -- one of which is paid full academic scholarship to a fantastic university.

So...his perception of himself isn't based on reality. So instead of grinding it in, I asked what he would've done differently. He listed the things he wished he had done differently. Then I asked you could have don't those things you mentioned differently, but would you have? So he said he probably wouldn't. And didn't.

So...back to your W. She may be truly living vicariously through this guy...potential she didn't do or have or use. It will wear off after a while.

But we all think that sometimes...would've, could've, should've.

I guess I don't really have a point to drive home except she is fascinated with tatboy's achievements perhaps more than his masculinity? Idk.

It seems the MLC journey is all a journey to acceptance and reality of where we are right now. Choices made in the past. Potential choices loom up in the future. The person in MLC wants to suspend time and live as if consequences and choices doen't matter.

And we have to keep living reality. And we have our own journey (your career, your role as a parent, your decision of where to raise your kids, what your own interests and hobbies are).

Just chiming in. Rambling a little about this journey. And I was thinking about you and your W and your decisions to make.

[~ kd ~]

I actually have to say that you did not make a very convincing argument that YOU WOULD LIKE TO move there.

It actually is quite telling (not by what you say, rather by what you DON'T say) that you think the job market might suck there (by way of saying you don't have a job there) and that the kids are settled into the school and friends where you are.

As t^2 mentions above, truly take tat-boy and MLC out of the equation.

Why WOULD you move there? And answering with "why not" will be stricken from the record... lol

[~ kd ~]

lol, ok let me just be a little more concise. I know you said you grew up there, etc... So you have memories FROM THE PAST, there. I have memories from my home town, as well. Yet that is all in the past and I have found that the current is much different than the past, in that community, including friends, opportunities, etc.

So again, notwithstanding the past, rather right now, what would be the value of you (and your family) moving there?

[TSquared2]

It seems the MLC journey is all a journey to acceptance and reality of where we are right now. Choices made in the past. Potential choices loom up in the future. The person in MLC wants to suspend time and live as if consequences and choices doen't matter.

Very nice rH...I like this a lot...

[CharlieBrown]

So yesterday I talked to her best friend again (we had to cut our morning discussion short because I had a meeting I had to get into). Most of the discussion focused on her opinion, from her 4 hours with W Sunday, that W doesn't see this as a mutual issue and that she is not taking therapy seriously. I suspected this, and even brought it up in therapy last week, but W said all the right things there. She told her friend she is going because I having been changing for the better and she wants me to keep going. Thing is, as you all know, if both sides aren't being open and digging deep, therapy never moves past small talk level.

I texted our therapist this morning and he called me back for a few minutes. He said that this is perfectly normal and that he already had me pegged as someone that wants to move through a process and see progress as a milestone, and W pegged as a conflict-avoider. Again, perfectly normal and we are doing well at this stage. The key is, we need to stick with it and we will get to the tougher stuff. I told him I trust him (and I do) and I would relax and breathe now.

One test will be this week. We have an appointment Thursday at 2-3. W gets off work at 2 and kids don't get home until 3, so this is perfect, but, last night she said her parents were coming to town to help her plant her flowers. They are coming Thursday afternoon and staying for dinner, I suspect W forgot about our therapy appointment and will try to get out of it. Hopefully not...

CB

[reachingHigher]

Maybe she just thinks YOU should go to therapy! Lol! That what my H thinks about me. He thinks he doesn't need it but that I need a lot of things fixed.

[CharlieBrown]

Great points (and questions) T, RH and KD, thank you!

T - I did dip my toe in the water last week with a key contact. We will see where it goes, but at my executive level, jobs don't make it to the paper or online, you have to network and I have started. But, it could easily take 6-12 month, even if I was focused on it.

RH - I would accept the vicariously thing more if I didn't see the full frontal nudity pictures of this guy that are on the bottom of the bag my wife carries with her every day. That image is burned in my mind (and presumably hers?) and if she hadn't pm'd him when she was there. Plus, this makes me think of the "believe half of what they do and none of what they say" line. Tough to buy that story knowing what I know. I don't think there is an PA, but I do think she fantasizes (or at least fantasized) about it and just wasn't being honest to her friend (or perhaps to herself).

KD - I love that town. Went to college and law school there, still have season tickets to college basketball there even though I sell most of the tickets, and enjoy going there immensely. Just that we now live here and have for 3 years and I like it here a lot too. And the kids love it here and just moved three years ago, I don't want them to feel like military kids.

CB

[~ kd ~]

What would be the conditions that would make moving to this other community a valuable choice for everyone?

[CharlieBrown]

Not sure I understand your question KD?