kevin, is your W reciprocating what you do for her? Is she being a W to you? Haven't you ever seen someone you know, in a R, being taken for granted? That's what happens when we do too much for someone...yes, I have been the queen of that in my lifetime. I know, two wrongs don't make a right, but the bottom line is this...she chose to move out. She chose to separate from you...she has told you over and over again that you need to move...does she really mean it? Probably not. Tell me what you are doing, as a H and being there for her time and time again, is doing the R some good? You have admitted to needing to detach...what do you think detachment is? Taking the "easy" route, the path of least resistance, does not always work. Read what other people in these kinds of sitches are doing...kevin, if you continue like this, do you think anything will change? Don't we wish that being a nice person, doing things for others, was the magic wand in R's! Maybe you need a serious gameplan here...not easy, no. But might be necessary.
Sometimes she does recip. but for the most part no she doesnt.. Ok so talk to me. Lets work on this gameplan.... Whats my first step?
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
For starters, you are going to have to DETACH from her, not your son, but her, yes...be nice, but cut your conversations that do not include your son short. Don't be rude, but be evasive. You are living apart...she doesn't need to know where you are at all times. Start this now...don't make it obvious what you are doing, but try to be upbeat (not sickingly so, but positive). Kevin, I'm not saying this WILL work, but you know the other way will not either. Again, read jake's thread. He is handling this like a pro...get some insight as to how he handles his R with W. Wiley's thread shows some good DBing...read it. I might not be perfect, but I could follow their lead and become a very good actress...you can too. When she wants to go to Walmart, tell her you can't, think of something...now, she is used to you saying yes...and no, you won't be able to cut her off completely, but enough to make her see that you are changing, doing for yourself...if son needs things, YOU take him. Maybe some others will jump in here and add to this...I am no expert, and it is impossible to see how these things turn out, but it will help you too move ahead with your life. Do you have friends? Start doing a few things with them when you don't have your son. Keep yourself busy, or at least as much as you can. Does this make sense to you?
One more thing...read what Jake (I think jake1974) is telling his W when she inquires about what he is up to...take note of his comments to her about the present state of their R how he handles his conversations with her. He agrees with her, saying that perhaps being apart is what they need...and it is making her think twice...but remember, this is for you too. You need to know that you will be o.k. no matter what. You need a life of your own for now.
Here's an add on to my previous post (I can't believe how much Zoo's post moved me!):
Quote: "There's no doubt in my mind that your W wants to continue spending the rest of your lives spending time together. PERIOD! There were a lot of bad things that happened in the former M. To her they are demons. Demons that continue to haunt her. HUD, she still is fighting to be with you, but she has to find a way to do an exorcist on those demons to be gone with them. Her solution - Divorce herself from the old M, so she will have a chance at a new M without any possiblity of those old haunts coming back! It's not a matter of whether it is right or wrong ... its a matter of it being a solution she believes will work. If you can buy into this, maybe it might help in guiding your direction."
This was posted by my good friend KAW to me not all that long ago, and I think it may apply to your sitch as well.
And I agree wholeheartedly with lettie's posts and the threads she recommends.
I think it comes down to balance - you be a good father, you be upbeat around your W, but you DETACH nonetheless.
It's difficult - and it takes time, no doubt. I didn't think I'd get there, but I did - you will too.
My W and I will likely be D'd this time next month. But I know that she loves me and still considers me to be a friend. She has said that her dream is that one day will reconcile. Would she be this way today if I hadn't started Dbing this time last year after we had been separated a month already? Unlikely.
And no, I won't stop Dbing once our D is final. But I won't stop moving on with my life either. I will no longer be considered her legal H - so I certainly won't behave as one would.
I will always be my daughter's father, however.
So, I will date. I will fulfill my post D obligations. When I interact with my W, I always try to be positive and upbeat. I will move on.
IF she changes her mind someday...if, if...then, I'll decide what I want to do.
How does all this relate to your sitch? I think you should start acting in the same ways. Agree with her - don't resist her direction (you don't have to facilitate it, necessarily, but don't be an obstacle).
Ok weekend update..
Friday night W came by. Wanted to borrow the computer and I said no. She stormed out and slammed the door on our son..
About an hour later she came back to get son. While I was getting his shoes on she walked to her car.. Then came back in with tears running down her face. I got up and gave her a very long hug. We sat down and talked a little she told me she was so lonely.. And that she misses me.
I basically just listened and comforted her.. Then I went back to her place with her.. We ended up making love.. Then we went back to my place and got work clothes and her car and I stayed with her at her place..
Saturday morning she sends me an email saying that time is not goingto get us back together, that she needs to go out and date to figure out what she wants..
That got me down so when I got off work I just went back to my place. I was running later than usual. So I didnt get home until about 45 minutes later than usual. She had called me several times before I got home. SO I returned her call and she asked me to come over. We ended up going and getting some stuff for dinner and stuff to make strawberry daqauries.. We ended up making love but afterwards she said we cant be doing this anymore.. I stayed the night at her place though.. I just rolled over an went to sleep. She layed her hand on my shoulder as if to comfort me..
She seems to be really confused..
What is going on??
I have been trying to distnce myself. To step back and take a look.. Last night she even called me on it that I was distancing myself from her..
We have a great time together when we spend time together...
Why the hell am I torturing myself.. Why cant I just walk away from this woman.. Why do I continue to let her control me and hurt me.. Jesus I have got to stop it..
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
Then we went back to my place and got work clothes and her car and I stayed with her at her place..