No, you don't need to figure it out. Your work is the same regardless, and it seems like DB-ers have a tendency, once they latch onto a "diagnosis" of their spouse to either become complacent in themselves because it's their S's (depression, MLC, etc) and nothing you need to fix in yourself, or else become obsessed with fixing their spouse's problem, which is both counterproductive and impossible.
GAL does not equal neglecting your marriage. If you were strong, independent, busy, fun, active on your own within your marriage, those are not reasons for your marital difficulties now and those are not things you should have gone back and changed in order to have a better marriage. However, you are in a new playing field now. You are not in a committed marriage when one of you is trying to leave it. GAL is what you need now, for you, to maintain and build your self confidence, attractiveness, dignity, to keep from obsessing over your sitch, and to get yourself healthier as quickly as possible. Because a bomb in your marriage can be devastating, can shake the very ground under your feet, GAL is your way of putting your own ground back under your own feet, and learning how to be OK no matter what. So no, GAL is not what hurt your marriage, and GAL is good and necessary.
It sounds like you became disconnected from each other due to distance and neglect of the relationship. While he's in a relationship with an OW, you can't 180 that and try to be the connected spouse he always wanted, because he doesn't want that now. All you can do now, is work to be a woman only a fool would leave. How would you define that, and what can you do to be that? While you give him space and time, what might he notice different about you that might get him thinking WTH he has gone and done?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
