DBing, GALing and living oh my!

[sayitaintso]

Good Luck cb-

When in doubt at your appt, or if something comes up, validate & stfu...

[cbtdad]

Thanks. I will definitely remember that

[cbtdad]

Well W and I went to counseling apartment yesterday for coparenting.
Went very well and got great advice. Therapist really kept focus on our son the majority of the time. In the begining she talke about out backgrounds both comin from a broken home and how that gets embedded in you and that you don't know how to fix things. But it can be learned. Wife cried a bit throughout.
Afterwards on the way to drop W off she said a few things that were interesting.
One of them apologizing for dragging her feet. She said she just wants to know that she wants this marriage to work for sure. She said that if we both want that that she know it will work. I said I'm glad you're confident. I know I want to try, but we'll see from there. I changed the subject.

[jp787]

I know I want to try, but we'll see from there. I changed the subject.

I think that was good cbt.
Nice and slow.

[cbtdad]

Thanks JP!
I'm following on your new thread. You can do this.
You have all the power to make those changes. Be the best example possible for your children.
It's good to see you an your wife communicating about it.
One thing our therapist told us yesterday is that communication between parents is key during separation and after divorce. The kids can come out ok if the parents communicate well. She said the problem is most parents end up his situation because they were bad at communicating to begin with. So it's something that has to be learned.
My therapist calls me a "steamroller" and that I just talk at people an try to control. Thankfully she told me W yesterday that I have come a long ways in 5 months. W agreed. Yay! Lol
She also said wife avoids things. She couldn't be more right on that for sure.
Anyways therapist have us two things to work on for communication and these are going I be tough for both of us.
1. I have to say 3 sentences to wife and then shut up! No questions at all!
W has to say 3 sentences to me while looking me in the eye and saying my name
That one won't be so bad
2. Wants us to spend 20 mins together in same room. No tv, no phones. No books. Music can be playing. For those 20 mins I can't say a word and she has to stay and can't walk out of room.
Every other day for 2 weeks
This one is gonna be impossible for me, but I'm looking forward to the challenge

[jp787]

Have you set your boundaries?

You can do this cbt!

[cbtdad]

Yes. Boundaries have been set. She knows that.
She actually said she knows that if we begin to work on things that she needs to completely cut all contact with OM. That came out of her mouth without me even saying anything.

[jp787]

Wow that is great!!!

[Accuray]

I like the therapist's plan. I took a mgmt training course where they did personality assessment of all the participants, and divided the group according to people who are naturally inclined to speak up and lead, and people who are naturally inclined to remain silent and follow. From that, they made small teams with equal numbers of leaders and followers in each.

Then they did an exercise where they gave the groups a problem to solve. The leaders weren't allowed to say anything but "yes" or "no", and the followers had to drive to resolution.

I was in the leader group and it was a terribly frustrating experience -- I had to sit there watching the followers staring at each other not saying a word for over 10 minutes.

If you can do this exercise according to her rules you WILL emerge a better person, and your relationship will be improved, I have no question, but I also know you'll find it frustrating!

Accuray

[Grizz]

Acc, that would drive me crazy too. That is part of the reason that I am in my sitch. I am a "fixer".

cb, nice to hear that she understands your boundaries. Good luck on the homework.