I would not punish son for Moms actions- keep doing that
As for everything else - do for you (I do most - but im a "doormat")
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Just left my T's office...and you know what? She's right. I have a ton of money and energy tied up in this house. She is trying to force me out the door for whatever reason...and why should I? Why should I have to give up everything here. Theres no room in an efficiency apt or even 1 BR for my tools, dive gear, and other belongs I own. I will get to take a couch and bed...maybe a dresser or two...but thats about it.
I guess I am waking up. I need to have some pride and stand up for myself. Just because she is full steam ahead toward divorce...and she cant stand to look at me...why should I cut and run?
The only thing I worry about is that she'll leave, and I cant afford the mortgage on my own.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Oh...and I didnt bring up my dog I rescued from Afghanistan. I want him, but probably wont find many places cheap that will allow a large breed dog, and it wouldnt be fair to take him to an apt with no yard, so I would have to give him up too.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Well, W waltzed in after 10pm. Didnt say anything, or even come in and look at me. I being the new and improved DB following guy didnt go to her either. So I guess its going to be the silent treatment for now. I guess thats better than venom. :P
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
My question is two fold. 1) Has anyone elses WAS moved this fast to get to a D before. Immediately separating bills, taking out loans to pay off debts, and distancing themselves so much from their LBS it isn't funny? I mean a 100% shut down of any feelings?
I believe this is common WAS behavior, based on what I have read. Also, realize that FOR HER it isn't "fast". She has been thinking about this for a while.
Originally Posted By: SFC_Swede
And then now how do I "drag my feet" as Newman suggested without looking desperate, infuriating her more, and going back on my word????
Let her drive any and all talk about the marriage or the relationship. You don't bring anything up and only cautiously talk about what topics she has induced in that exact instance. Comply with explicit requests out of respect, but avoid/ignore implicit talk and action.
Your relationship is like a hot stove: DON'T TOUCH IT!
Originally Posted By: SFC_Swede
That seems to not help the sitch any either. I just feel she is running as fast as she can to a D before she changes her mind again, or gives time to see if changes can happen.
Is is my very humble opinion (emphasis on "opinion") that this is behavior is also normal for the WAS and it is because they realize that they both:
1) Feel very strongly in this exact moment, and that 2) They realize (consciously or subconsciously) that they may NOT feel this strongly in the next moment.
To a rational person, given #2 it would lead one to believe it is time to slow down. To a WAS who may be irrationally processing things, it's time to speed up and get out of the "trap" they seem themselves in.
Originally Posted By: SFC_Swede
I know what I have to do with LRT. I have stopped behaviors, even though I am obsessing here. Just need some guidance. Because my T is only telling me to move on, and its not something I am comfortable with.
I am not professionally qualified to disagree with your licensed therapist, but I do not agree with his/her advice. Only YOU know when it's time to "move on". He or she may be trying to push you in the right direction, to help you GAL, but you can't force yourself to "move on" just with a snap of the fingers.
It takes time. Lots of it.
Originally Posted By: SFC_Swede
She does accounting, while you might think this would be normal, she hasnt gone to this extreme in the past. As for exerting control? I dont think so. She is just methodically preparing for being on her own again without any help from me.
In my opinion, it's likely both.
By the way, what's the "OT" location? Out of town? She's out of town every day?
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
After Saturdays brutal lashing I took...I honestly think she has pushed me too far. Do I want to stay married? Yes, and no. Yes I want to try and salvage my marriage, but no in that I have enough self respect to walk away when the time comes, and know I did everything I could. Why would anyone want to stay in a loveless relationship? My head finally made that connection.
In my mind, she has pushed aside any positive and significant changes I have made over the past 10 yrs, including quitting drinking. She has embraced and magnified every negative thing, no matter how small. So...yeah, I will continue to DB, but I am at the point I can move on.
As for me leaving? Not going to happen. I have tens if not hundreds of thousands invested in this property. I am not pushing myself into a hovel and giving up everything just because she says so, and living in total poverty. Its time for her to put her big girl panties on and act like an adult, and respect my rights. Its a big house, and we can easily continue to coexist under this roof, and not bother each other.
Lastly PM...OT is Occupational Therapy. She goes Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday after work. Been getting home later and later. But...at this point I dont care. I am done being manic and stressing myself out over things I can not change.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
"I am done being manic and stressing myself out over things I can not change."
The Prozac is definitely helping in that regard.
Oh, and I am GAL'ing. I took off after the verbal beating Sat and went to the shore with my brother to do a side job...had some fun after I eased off thinking about the R. Have a class tonight at my dive shop I am helping with, and again on Thursday. Plan on heading to our open water location to get wet this weekend as well, as long as my PT job doesnt call with a event.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Figure out who YOU want to be. Be committed to do the work to become that person, and don't let anyone steer you off course.
That's the high level view, and there's lower level detail and reasoning behind it, but at times the details can muddy up the water or be overwhelming in the moment.
Just my $0.02 for now. I can expound at a later time.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
PM...I really appreciate it brother. I am at that point that I am ready. In talking with my T and the inner conversations with myself...I have been walking on eggshells and living for her for years. If I really want to be honest with myself...all the way back to 2004 when we "reconciled" after her affair.
I am getting my crap together, and taking the beginning steps of self improvement. Despite what happened Saturday...I stayed strong and didnt stop on the way to my brothers and buy a can of snuff. That was huge for me. I also didnt run out to the beer distributor and buy a case of beer either. So...so far, so good.
Now to find meaningful full time employment (I have been trying, but have expanded the area I am willing to commute to), get on the VA and start kicking them in the rear to figure my claim out, work on my professional diving credentials, ect...
The only thing that really stinks is, many of these things require cash I dont have. As of now, W has my account with a little in there, but thats supposedly my "move out" money.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Well...things have...leveled out so to say. W is ignoring me, and hasnt brought up anything new. Had a couple short non R, non D related conversations...but thats about it.
Had a Scuba class last night with 6 students, so upbeat at this time. I really love doing that, and only wish it paid more.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
