Oh no Snodderly. I so agree with everything you said above...
I guess I was just fishing to find out how much worse can things get financially. I know I am doing the right thing. Me not paying on our joint debt is going to destroy me, as well as H. Even with support, I will not be able to afford it. I guess this is just a little vent. The destruction is just getting deeper and deeper. I really do hate all of this....
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Oh, and I haven't begged or pleaded with H for money. He has contacted me on several occasions without anything from me and said one thing and done another.
If I had to place bets, I so don't think my H will come out of this, which is sad.
MLC (or whatever this is) and all the destruction that comes with it should never exisit...
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
This is very true.. A good friend of mine just started dating about 3 months ago after being separated for over 6 yrs.. and there was child support battles.. even had a restraining order against her. She was a classic MLCer.... So yes BRNR things might seem bad right now... but you never know what the future holds.. protect yourself and your children right now. You have asked him several times about the money... If it makes you feel better you can ask/tell him one more time that you need the money. but more than likely your going to end up with the same result.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
B, doing nothing or taking action will not change your M at this point. I absolutely regret not following the advice I was given here and by my attorney a year ago regarding finances. I was paralyzed with grief and fearful that any action I took would push my H further away. My kids were devastated and I felt responsible because my H was spewing regularly that this was all my fault. In the meantime, my H was partying, dating, gambling and making expensive purchases with community funds. He wasn't giving any thought to what I was doing either way.
During the same same I was just breaking even each month. I was determined to keep the mortgage and all bills current to preserve my credit and I don't regret that for a minute. However, if I had gotten a support order immediately and the money was deposited into my own account, not our joint one, I would have been able to refinance my house much sooner. In addition, bonus money that my H received would have been paid in accordance with the support order. Now I may never see it and it's a very large amount. Receiving it is the difference between being debt free and not. By not taking action I hurt myself financially and caused myself a lot of unnecessary anxiety.
If anything, once your H is hit with what his choices are going to cost him he actually may start rethinking his decision to leave. I don't believe it would have made a difference in my situation, but in yours, who knows.
I know this is hard. It's horrible being in a contentious situation with the person you thought would love and protect you forever. When you are ready you will take the necessary steps to protect yourself and your kids. Your H might see it as taking action against him, but that's not true. You can take care of business and still practice DBing. Don't let this situation change you in a negative way. You can be both strong and loving. In fact, I believe that a woman who respects herself is one that can be trusted. Ultimately, isn't that what you want your H to see?
Hey Golf Mom - Thank you for your contribution to my thread.
I am taking action on Thursday....filing for support orders and custody, also calling some companies to try to reduce my expenses...maybe even relax a little since I took the day off from work.
I have these five minute moments sometimes...usually on the heal of hearing a song. sometimes they give me good thoughts of my marriage with H...which make me cry, and sometimes they give me bad thoughts of where H and I are today...which makes me cry. Either way, I cry, so I try to let the tears flow when they come.
I did have a moment on Sunday (Mothers Day). I got text messages, IM's from a lot of friends and family wishing me a Happy one. I responded to all these with a Thank you and realized how many people were thinking of me that morning...by mid afternoon, H had actually sent me a text as well. I cried for about fifteen minutes. It meant everything to me in that moment...as I would hope that H would at least acknowledge me as the mother of his children. The moment was fleeting, and after the crying I realized how far H is gone...and how much I still care about him, although I am not sure it is love as the pain has maybe pushed that down very deep.
I guess my moments are getting to me, although, these moments are fleeting and very short. I will say, life is getting better everyday, and I thank God for feeling more up than down these days.
Quote:
You can take care of business and still practice DBing. Don't let this situation change you in a negative way. You can be both strong and loving. In fact, I believe that a woman who respects herself is one that can be trusted. Ultimately, isn't that what you want your H to see?
GM, this is well put. The last conversation I had with H (about a month or so ago), he said he saw a very strong woman in me. Sometimes, I think maybe I was too strong. I am a very black and white person and if anything this sitch has taught me that not everything is black and white including me and how I do things. So working on expressing my softer side, and still be strong and loving.
Thank you for expressing your regrets for not pushing with things financially, etc. I read your sitch some and see how you are getting the shaft, yet you are still pushing through making hard decisions for you and your kids. I thank you for sharing your story, and if anything want to learn something from it.
So as I said...off to the courthouse on Thursday...it will be a hard thing for me emotionally to file the action against H, but it is about survival and the past month he has truly only worried of himself while I have taken care of myself and the boys financailly. Funny that he has even batted an eye, and maybe I should learn from that, and not bat an eye when I go file.
Thank you GM - your advice in this area is truly appreciated. Take care.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Uh oh...H saw a mediator and wants to discuss divorce...I am shaking so badly but was pleasant on the phone...I am in shock that this is truly happening...but I will listen and validate. All wish me luck...
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I'm sorry to hear this...hopefully you can get some things resolved very soon. Whatever you do, please do not allow your emotions to rule your head. You will need to put your business hat on and stand firm on what you and the boys need to survive. If you aren't sure about something, don't agree w/him or the mediator. Don't sign anything w/o seeking some counsel of your own. It's too hard to get things changed once the divorce is final.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly...he met with a mediator, but didn't say anything but that he wants what is fair for everyone. He wants to meet me at lunch to discuss things...I said sure. So today is really I guess just lunch to discuss. I am not meeting with the mediator at this time...
This has just shook me to my core...ugh!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Whatever you do, stay calm. Listen, take notes and go from there. They all say that they want what is fair for everyone...bottom line...when he discovers that you are not going to give in and stand your ground on what should be "fair", he may very well get ugly.
It's okay to listen, but please do not agree w/anything. Tell him you will need to think about his proposal.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am so sorry to hear this and hope that lunch goes well for you. Snodderly's advice is good - do not agree to anything, just listen.
Honey, this has been a tough week for you. My intent with the Mary Poppins comment was NOT so you could beat yourself up but to maybe give you a postive image to focus on should the urge ever come again. I am sure you feel the universe is beating you up enough, you don't need to help it.
