DBing European Style, part 2

[Papa4Life]

Wow thanks for all the great feedback, everybody.

T100:
I do think there is some significance to her noticing.
She most likely had expectations on how you were going to act and you didn't.

Deatchment is a wonderful thing

Hi Mr2.4,
Keep calm and she will see you as the strong one. That's going to be a whole lot more attractive than somebody that throws blame and tears about in front of the kids.
That's the plan -- and it's my attitude in this situation at the moment.

Fartlitre:
You and W need to adult-up to this and do it together.
That's part of the plan, too. W also wants to bring the oldest 2 to the mediator, but I feel that this is something we can't shop out to someone else. I don't know what qualifications the mediator has other than experience as a mediator, but she says she "can listen". Well, we can do that too, and we're their parents. W thinks it's a good idea, but I'd much rather deal with this ourselves.

Hi 25, glad to hear from you:

W wants to go ahead with telling the kids as early as next week. Does anybody have some experiences to share on how to make this as painless as possible?

you cannot make it "painless" but you can make it less painful...and for sure you can make it worse.

My MC and IC (And DB coach for that matter, for I consulted them all) told me not to say that we were divorcing until if and when it was "certain".

SEEMS as if yours is...correct? I'm asking...

Yes, everything W has said and done has made it perfectly clear that that is what she wants and what she plans to do. I have accepted it, detached, and am focussing on myself and on GAL.

Second, do not tell them too far in advance --b/c it's the sword of Damacles hanging over their head. Too painful and too fearful for too long..

If the divorce or their life changes are not going to happen for months, then wait...just say you're having problems right now so they know they're not insane to have noticed, and then when it's only a few weeks away from changing their lives, THEN tell them the whole deal...

This is what I said to my W, and she asked, "Do you want to wait for them, or for yourself? In fact, I was so taken aback by this statement, such seeming coldness to her children, that it was the wake up call that really sped up my detachment efforts.

okay so here's the deal I got from the people I consulted with, and they all seemed to agree on the main points, btw. (Rare).

Whatever happens with the divorce that directly affects them WILL be their biggest most immediate fear.
[...]
I was able to tell them [/b]what my IC/DB coach said to tell them, ie

what's NOT changing in their lives...

[color:#FF0000]We are hoping to keep the family home so the kids can stay in their own home. W wants to rent an apartment/house and switch off at the second house every three days or so between she and I so we can take turns being in the house with the kids.

when they asked IF we were going to divorce, since I did not know for certain (I thought it was an 80-90% chance we'd split)

I'd say "I sure hope not, b/c we've loved each other a long time", or "hope not b/c he was the love of my life", etc...

"our marriage is being very challenged right now, but we are trying to figure this out..." and
T s
"If I knew we were going to divorce, I'd tell you..." I did NOT say it with fear.

These are all great points and it echoes the thoughts that I've had about what I want to say to the kids.

If the time comes to tell them, they say it's best to do it together, (not mandatory but preferred so no one gives THEIR version to divide the kids)

and to say it briefly BUT listen for their questions and reactions. Don't rush it but be brief and make time for THEM to process and ask.

I have experienced this from the other side of the table (and more than once) so I have a little insight into what they're going to be feeling and the questions they'll have. I'm going to try to be the best listener and validator I can be.

If one parent does not want the divorce, they do not have to make the WAS the bad guy BUT nor must they pretend it's "mutual."

You can say "it's not what I wanted. But I'm not blameless in this situation, and I accept that your mother/father believes this is what is best and we don't seem able to work things out.

I DO know we both love you so very much and that's what makes this hardest...luckily, there are some things in your lives that will NOT change, such as....x y and z..(then remind them of some things they enjoy that will remain stable in their lives).

I don't think I'm going to approach it in this way. Even if I did still have hope (which I don't, but it's okay, I'm still positive about things), I think it puts me in a weak position in W's eyes and just makes it more confusing for the kids.

If they ask if there is ANY chance you'll reconcile, agree you'll never say "NO WAY", at this stage.... THis is going to be a shock to them, right?

So for now, say "not likely" or 'doesn't seem that way right now"...which are true statements but for NOW, they can have hope that gets them thru the transition from being the family they thought they were, to a new form they are not familiar with...[/color[

[color:#FF0000]I agree that, while I don't want to give them false hope, I also do not want to crush their hopes either.


And don't let them believe or say "there is no family now". There IS still a family left, just as families that survive the death of a parent, or child, families DO survive divorce. A lot.

They modify terms and things are a bit wacky for awhile, but they are still in a family...

And I'll always be their dad and I'll always be there for them.

The only thing I added was that it all seems to be happening so quickly. W said that it probably seems that way to me, but she's had her mind made up for some time.

It is irrelevant how long SHE has made up her mind. You were discussing telling the children, and if YOU think it's happening fast, THEY will too.

Again, I don't know that I am willing to bring this up to her again, because I don't want her to think that I'm dragging my feet. I KNOW that it would be better to wait, but I think that if this is what she needs to do, for whatever reason, I'm going to accept it.

What do YOU mean when you say you "validated" her comments. That you "get it" or that you "agree with it" or "surrender to it" or what? I'm curious.

Well, I really don't agree with it, and I'm not surrendering to anything -- I just want to move on. If anything, you could say I accept that this is what she wants or needs to do and I'm willing to work on the consequences.

I could say, look, I don't want to tell the kids, but I want her to really understand what I mean and realize that I am moving on with my life. I feel confident and positive and I don't want to go against these positive feelings -- and be dishonest with myself -- by giving her the opportunity to say that I'm only asking this for me.


On that note, I hope YOU will plan a fun day for Father's Day for them. At times like these, everyone can use the "hugs" good times can give. I also suggest you rent or go see a comedy, or live comedian if your child is old enough.

Laughing together will be a fast reminder that life does NOT sukk for all and that there will be more good times ahead...around the corner.

for you too....

GOOD LUCK and remember, truly, your life WILL get better...I'm positive.

Thanks so much for this encouragement 25, and thanks to the rest of the nice folks who posted some encouragement. I'm doing great right now. Even though I am not looking forward to talking to the kids about the big D, I am looking forward to my trip to the States at the end of the month, and I've got lots of activities planned with kids and with friends, and I like this guy P4L. I'm starting to remember how much I like him and how great a guy he was. And how humble! (lol). It's time to rise above and move beyond.