I just feel like I need to tell her some things that I have never said, whether it helps or not.
Do it if it makes you feel better. But have zero expectations. I wrote a similar email to W a couple of months into our sitch and she didn't even acknowledge receiving it. That's OK, I did it because I felt like there were still some things unsaid that I wanted to make sure she knew.
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AS, I have not read Dobsons book. I have learned a great deal reading your post and thank you for that.
You're quite welcome
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My paragraph stating how I was scared and how I shut down was not me trying to rationalize my behavior. It was me trying to restate what she thinks of me and trying to tell her that I understand what she was saying about me. Does it not seem like that?
I think you're talking about this:
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I cannot/could not comprehend you needing space. I took it personally. It hurt. That hurt was projected as fear and anger. When I get angry I shut down. I bury it and hope, after a while, the hurt goes away and then I come back.When you said you needed a break from “everything” that scared me. From that point forward, I didn’t know how to act. Every word, every action that I made I thought about it in my head. I thought how you would respond. I tried to read your every emotion and read your mind as to your feelings. I have walked on eggshells for a long time not knowing how to act. Which has led to me not being me.
I read it as you explaining to her what you were doing. IE, she needed space and you responded with fear/ anger, and now you're trying to explain why. But WAS's don't want explanations. An explanation justifies the "why" of what you did, and carries in it is an expectation that given the same situation you would respond in the exact same way. A statement more along the lines of validation might be:
"W, when you said you needed time and space and needed a "break" from everything, it hurt me deeply and I responded in anger. I can see now how wrong I was to do that, and how I inadvertently hurt you by responding that way. I'm sorry, I should have given you the time and space you were asking for and I should have done so in a peaceful, respectful manner."
Phrasing it this way might also help her realize you've done a 180 on this, because you probably are giving her time and space NOW in a peaceful, respectful manner. So this might be something where you apologize for what you did while at the same time highlighting an area where you have already changed. Does that explanation make sense?
