DBing European Style, part 2

[25yearsmlc]

I could use some help from you kind folks.

W wants to go ahead with telling the kids as early as next week. Does anybody have some experiences to share on how to make this as painless as possible?

you cannot make it "painless" but you can make it less painful...and for sure you can make it worse.

My MC and IC (And DB coach for that matter, for I consulted them all) told me not to say that we were divorcing until if and when it was "certain".

SEEMS as if yours is...correct? I'm asking...

Second, do not tell them too far in advance --b/c it's the sword of Damacles hanging over their head. Too painful and too fearful for too long..

If the divorce or their life changes are not going to happen for months, then wait...just say you're having problems right now so they know they're not insane to have noticed,

and then when it's only a few weeks away from changing their lives, THEN tell them the whole deal...
Sorry I don't recall your childrens ages...

but if they are very young, like under 7, tell them a week or so in advance. Otherwise it's a scary monster that is just looming, instead of a negative experience that was worked thru in a matter of days, as far as they are concerned...

okay so here's the deal I got from the people I consulted with, and they all seemed to agree on the main points, btw. (Rare).

Whatever happens with the divorce that directly affects them WILL be their biggest most immediate fear.

In fact, I out and out asked my kids what their biggest fears were, IF a divorce were to happen and I ONLY said that in response to their questions. I never brought up divorce first and I never said we were getting one, which is good b/c we didn't.

Both girls said "moving again" was their biggest fear, and "not seeing dad much" was their second fear. That was, I admit, a distant second, which is painful to admit.

D1 was in high school and had been promised a 3 year stay in high school, as our son got and which was not easy b/c H was military for many years.

Since I knew we could handle staying in the same house for 2 more years (worst case we'd downsize but stay in the neighborhood)

I was able to tell them what my IC/DB coach said to tell them, ie

what's NOT changing in their lives...

Since they'd be in the same school, they'd have the same friends, same neighborhood to play in, and same places to hang, playing on same team...the ONLY difference would be time with their father. (If that's not your situation then tell them you WILL DRIVE them to their friend's place and have their friends over and make it happen at least for some months until they make new friends. Maintain as many of their former friendships as you can assist them in making...so important...

As for seeing the "missing spouse", They would arrange with details that he'd make with them AND KEEP and that was the plan.

I also told my youngest that I would make the choices I truly felt were going to lead HER to the most happiness. I meant that.

This seemed to allay their fears a lot, and helped my youngest fall asleep better.

when they asked IF we were going to divorce, since I did not know for certain (I thought it was an 80-90% chance we'd split)

I'd say "I sure hope not, b/c we've loved each other a long time", or "hope not b/c he was the love of my life", etc...

"our marriage is being very challenged right now, but we are trying to figure this out..." and
T s
"If I knew we were going to divorce, I'd tell you..." I did NOay it with fear.

If the time comes to tell them, they say it's best to do it together, (not mandatory but preferred so no one gives THEIR version to divide the kids)

and to say it briefly BUT listen for their questions and reactions. Don't rush it but be brief and make time for THEM to process and ask.

Answer questions they have then, but expect them to have more questions later too. Tell them "it's okay if you think of something to ask, later on - b/c we'll both be available to answer anything you ask or help you work out any fears you have, etc."

If one parent does not want the divorce, they do not have to make the WAS the bad guy BUT nor must they pretend it's "mutual."

You can say "it's not what I wanted. But I'm not blameless in this situation, and I accept that your mother/father believes this is what is best and we don't seem able to work things out.

I DO know we both love you so very much and that's what makes this hardest...luckily, there are some things in your lives that will NOT change, such as....x y and z..(then remind them of some things they enjoy that will remain stable in their lives).

Don't drag it out. They will need details about THEIR LIVES then and when they ask later on,
otherwise, give them time to process it so they can assess their own fears. Call or chat with them often...and keep that up.

If they ask if there is ANY chance you'll reconcile, agree you'll never say "NO WAY", at this stage.... THis is going to be a shock to them, right?

So for now, say "not likely" or 'doesn't seem that way right now"...which are true statements but for NOW, they can have hope that gets them thru the transition from being the family they thought they were, to a new form they are not familiar with...

And don't let them believe or say "there is no family now".

There IS still a family left, just as families that survive the death of a parent, or child, families DO survive divorce. A lot.

They modify terms and things are a bit wacky for awhile, but they are still in a family...

Make sense?

I'm hurting a bit today, not because of feelings for W -- I'd say I'm very well detached now and I feel confident about the future -- but more about the breakup of our family. I love these kids so much it hurts and I hate having to do this to them.

I understand. IT's an adaptation process.

W talked briefly about D-related stuff and confirmed that she wants to tell the kids. I listened and validated and agreed to what she's asking for. The only thing I added was that it all seems to be happening so quickly. W said that it probably seems that way to me, but she's had her mind made up for some time. I guess MWD was right about WAW's.

It is irrelevant how long SHE has made up her mind. You were discussing telling the children, and if YOU think it's happening fast, THEY will too.

What do YOU mean when you say you "validated" her comments. That you "get it" or that you "agree with it" or "surrender to it" or what?

I'm curious.

She expressed surprise rhat I was being so calm and asked if it was for the kids. I told her yes I want to make this easy for the kids but Also for myself. I don't know, am I missing an opportunity to let her know that I don't feel the need to proceed so quickly with D? My heart tells me don't keep reminding here. There's really nothing left to say. Still, her noticing my detachment is something new. Not that it's significant, but still she's noticing.

Anyway, Happy Mothers Day to all you magnificent women out there. Make it a great one and let those kids of yours show you how much you mean to them!

On that note, I hope YOU will plan a fun day for Father's Day for them. At times like these, everyone can use the "hugs" good times can give. I also suggest you rent or go see a comedy, or live comedian if your child is old enough.

Laughing together will be a fast reminder that life does NOT sukk for all and that there will be more good times ahead...around the corner.

for you too....

GOOD LUCK and remember, truly, your life WILL get better...I'm positive.