New to this ...

[steveh27]

Hey Mrcas - nice to know - happy belated.

Sandi - I try - we both sleep in same bed but that is hard for obv reasons. I sleep an hour at a time mostly waking up still hoping the nightmare is over. Not to sound dramatic but im sure some here would attest to. Your right I do need rest and some clarity. Im sure it will come.

[Spartan]

I think what Breakdown was referring to is that you're on the roller coaster because you're letting yourself stay there. We're not being hard on you, we just don't want you to go through what many of us have gone through. I know many on here, myself included, stayed on the ride way to long and have the scars to show. I'll save you the time, it never gets fun and actually gets worse with each drop.

So, the question is how are you going to get off the coaster?

How are you going to put distance between you and your W so your feelings aren't tied to hers or what she's planning?

[mrtwopointfour]

Hi Steve, I need to read your whole sitch before I comment too much, but what i have read so far looks to be very much like mine. My W accused me of being over controlling, un-affectionate, taking her for granted. The more the sitch pans out the more it also looks like she is going through a MLC. But at the same time the above points she made are still very valid and its good never to forget these.

I agree with what Spartan says above.

When I came here, I got the same advice, but carried on - thinking I was doing well one day, thinking the world was ending the next. Its only natural, and I think in a way you have to go through it for short time to realise you need to let go and look after yourself rather than letting your emotions and energy being controlled by you W's mood and actions. But as Spartan says above, be careful not to stay too long as it will exhaust you, and it will start to have a negative effect on your efforts to look after yourself.

Don't get me wrong, I am very much still there and detaching and distancing is the hardest part of this, it feels wrong in every way, and if you are like me (and probably most people here) you will think your circumstances don't really fit with the advice, and your way of doing things will work better! There is a little truth in this, the whole DBing thing needs tweaking to your own R/M, and that takes time to understand and get right - again I am still working on it. But the reason everybody on here is giving you advice, is they have been through it and know what doesn't work.

I think what I am trying to say is: switch off to what your W is doing, saying, & thinking. She will do it anyway, but if you switch off to it, look after yourself, it will not drag you down too. Its easy to get pulled back in when you W is happy and friendly. My W right now is the best she has been for a year, but at the same time she is due for a trip away with a 'friend', something I am switching off to. If I don't, it will consume my every thought and moment over the next week, which will in turn depress me, make me stressed, and make me no fun to be around any more (pretty much the person i was running up to BD) - why would my W want to be with that person?

Take a break for yourself, don't give up - think of some fun things to do, even if you don't get to do them , thinking about them takes your mind off of things.

[mrtwopointfour]

I sleep an hour at a time mostly waking up still hoping the nightmare is over

This will stop. I had the same, sure many others did too. I would wake up in the morning forgetting, and then remembering what i was going through. I also had dreams about the whole thing, this took about 3 months to stop.

It will get better, every body told me this, i did not think it would but it has. And what they mean by that is, it doesn't take improvement in your R to find improvement in yourself. My R has not really improved at all yet, but I am finding it easier day by day to deal with. If I look back 3 months or so, I was in a terrible place.

[steveh27]

Thank you guys - your support has been much much appreciated!!! I really dont know where I would be right now without this.

This morning was rough after our talk last night. She looked at me for a couple of seconds. I wrongly bit and I said sorry for what I said about im done and letting you be happy ... but its the truth. I hugged her and she hugged back hard fir the first time in over a month or so. I said its ok im just worried about you ... and she said I need to take care of myself and that I was losing too much weight too fast. I probably have but ive stopped for the last week and doing well.

Sorry I walked into that one ... didnt seem bad at the time but it was hard not to.

[Breakdown]

At some point, they may have a day or two that they are civil to each other. But what happens is totally different from each other's goals. He sees her being a nice for a few days and starts hoping she's coming around. The WAW, however, thinks he is being nicer and that's the time to ask him the hard questions.....like "how do you want to divide things"? B/c he has one goal in mind (save the M) while she has another goal in her mind (get out of the M).

Sounds like Sandi nailed that one.

This is a long, long process. You really do have to focus on you first....addressing your issues, becoming who you want to be, and showing your W the new you. That's the first step...you can't skip it. Dig into it and really begin the work.

I remember saying things that indicated my W controlled my emotions....that took a long time to break (Mach1 repeatedly 2x4'd me on that one before I got it). That is the roller coaster you are on. The beauty of it is that you can get off whenever you want....it's simply a choice of no longer letting your W's decisions affect you. It is hard to wrap your mind around it at first, but ultimately, it's just a choice you make.

I think what Breakdown was referring to is that you're on the roller coaster because you're letting yourself stay there.

Exactly.

[mrtwopointfour]

Sorry I walked into that one ... didnt seem bad at the time but it was hard not to.

The next thing to learn is: If you do something wrong, slip up, say something that makes you backslide a little. Don't worry, as long as you learn from your mistakes then no major harm done. Stand back up, dust off, get on.

I'm pretty sure that everybody here has not done everything 100% perfect from day one. I for one have had moments of saying stupid things, reacting in the wrong way, not knowing how to handle things - I'm still learning - but i've also learnt not to let every mistake get to you. This will exhaust you too.

[steveh27]

Yes sandi carries a couple 2x4's also ... they are hard to hear as it tears your hope down but in the end I know she's right. I need to start focusing on me for now. I'm there finally.

[My Issues:]
[1] Fear and Anxiety which caused trust and controlling issues with wife. This is the core problem.
[2] Not spending time with family outside of kids events. I liked video games my whole life, and would go in spurts where it would consume time. 2 months prior to BD, I pulled away from kids events also because of dealing with other parents and the cruel things they say these days and caught myself judging my own kids as a result. Although I didnt know until BD, my pulling away caused resentment with W and led me to not be there during her EA times with the OM as a result.
[3] Doing my share of marriage/household related activities. My W does not work outside the home and she handled everything from finances to everyday activities.

[My 180's were:]
[1] stop asking questions and just give space - check - no impact neg or pos that i know.
[2] help around the house more - check - no impact neg or pos although im not overdoing anything anymore.
[3] spend more time with kids - check - this was easy and has pos impact on me and wife mentioned positively.

Even after rereading 180's im still confused because I feel I'm beyond them right now based on my sitch and focusing more of LRT. Not stopping the 180's but they are not doing anything but for me now, which is good for me moving forward.

Still working on GAL/s. This is the tough one. Might have dinner plans with a friend who knows the situation tonight. He went through a D 4 years ago and is getting married next month but still is good to have someone to talk with.

[steveh27]

2.4 thanks. I know I slipped and I will try to be better in the future. Unfort the hug was nice but I felt like it was a release for her too, as finally I was coming around to reality.

[Breakdown]

Hi BD - I am around pg 17 in reading your bootcamp. It was amazing to have the knowledge of your situation and I was able to relate a lot to mine own. I haven't finished it but it seems we do have some differences. Your W seems to want to have relations with you but at this same time wants to take her time but also is cake eating it seems. My sitch is my W is clearly really hurt still and is seeing moving on as the only option.

Steve, focus on the work I did, not the sitches themselves.

Remember my list:

- Jealousy
- Insecurities
- Controlling behavior
- Judgmental behavior
- Superiority behavior

How many of those apply to you? How are you addressing them? How are you changing the way you think?