LOL ... most days are challenging... but Mothers Day was a tough one & my friend just lost her child over the weekend. Feel free to read my posts from yesterday to today... would love your comment too.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Hey Negril, I read your recent posts and I think we're at very similar points in our sitches. I was thinking of writing a letter to post here, as well, but I think that would be counterproductive.
I have lovingly detached from my W and I'm ready for anything and looking forward to the future. There is a part of me that worries that my detaching has come so far that I wouldn't want to go back even if she were to make overtures.
Maybe post what you want to say here so we can give some feedback and maybe get some tips of our own!
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
papa4life...... that's part of the problem.. I wouldn't even know what to say to her.. there's the part of me that wants to say I love you and miss you and miss her touch.. our talks.. my best friends.... And then there what I should actually say to her so that I don't send her running even faster away. I can see she is struggling right now.... she's knows it's wrong and doesn't feel right but she can't stop what she is doing. So I am afraid of me saying anything it will just make it worse. So I agree with what everyone is telling me on here.. it would be counter productive.
You are doing really good with your detaching if you are at that point where you question if you would even take her back. You shouldn't want your old life back with your W.. you should want a new one if/when you and her ever come to that point. As good as I thought my relationship was with my W before the BD....I can see now how it could have been better. We should never stop improving ourselves... no matter what relationship we are in.
I am happy your doing good! keep up the PMA!
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
You are doing really good with your detaching if you are at that point where you question if you would even take her back. You shouldn't want your old life back with your W.. you should want a new one if/when you and her ever come to that point.
Well put N72. I am right there with Papa in my sitch, and IMO, I think we all need to get to this point to be successful DB'ers.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
You're right, BRNR, we all have to get there if we're to have the best chance of having a fulfiling life and the best possible chance of having our S be there to share it with us.
Negeil isn't quite there yet -- the gut is still overriding the head a bit -- but he'll get there. He's got a few people giving him good advice.
The one thing I would advise is, again, to accept that nothing that you can say will change how she feels. I learned that the hard way. My W, like all WAWs, worked from the standpoint that I was/am completely in the wrong, so not only was/is her natural inclination to disagree with anything I said/say, but by forcing her to defend the opposite position, so to speak, I reinforced those negative feelings even more. If I (being the fool that I am) said ILY to her, since everything I did was wrong up to that point, she would be forced to say I don't feel that way about you. AND it made her think more about how much she didn't L me back. Even if there was some lingering feeling, being forced to counter my claims helped those feelings of ILYBINILWY crystalize even more.
So, take it from a veteran backslider (in recovery now), words just don't work. Actions will. Words may be deceitful but deeds don't lie. Your road to possibly getting back into her heart is through her eyes, NOT her ears.
Good luck, Negril, I've got a lot of faith in you.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Actions will. Words may be deceitful but deeds don't lie. Your road to possibly getting back into her heart is through her eyes, NOT her ears.
Good luck, Negril, I've got a lot of faith in you.
So what does this mean? how can you show someone your unconditional love and that I have changed without ever seeing her? or do you mean my actions of letting her go? giving her space but doing it without the arguing and pressure?
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
Also.. W txted me about some mail last night.. very short.. I wished her well and hoped she was doing good.. She said she was and wasn't.. that she is feeling "half whole" this is the second time she has said that... I just told her that I hope she figures it out ... that she is a strong enough person to do it..
Do they ever talk to the OM about their feelings of being lost or only feeling half half whole? or do they save these talks for the LBS because we know them best?
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
W has txted me two nights now while I know the OM is there... or was just there.... I know this is suppose to be a good thing but mad does it hurt... I don't want to respond.. I was going to stay dark/ very dim for the rest of the month.. I want to leave her on her own .. she needs this to continue her journey.... right?
Do I break this?
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
I need off this cycle.. I dropped mail off this morning (5.a.m.) at the W's house.. as per her request.. from the other day conversation.. and of course the OM's car was there.. why would she tell me to bring it over and have him there? is she just rubbing it in my face?
then she txt and asked why I dropped the mail off at her place... ? is there memory that short? it seems as thou she can't keep a thought in her pretty little head for more than and hour or two.. how do they still succeed at life living like this? Does there confusion happen in everything they do??? or does their selective memory only apply to the conversations they have with us?
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
She's not thinking about rubbing the om in your face. She forgot that she had requested that you drop the mail off to her, thus the om being there. I'm sorry you had to see his car there. It does hurt and yes, it also can make you angry as well.
Yes, their memories are that bad. It's the depression that has made their memories mush pudding. They have a great way of compartmentalizing things and can function fairly well in day to day living, but there are times when the confusion sets in and causes memory lapses. At times, we aren't the only ones that see the facade cracking.
Her journey appears to be the typical one mlcers make. I'm sorry your day started out the way it did.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
-- but he'll get there. He's got a few people giving him good advice.