Crazy little thing called MLC

[Raine]

Thanks rH & wfm! I feel so angry too. I think that's the main feeling I've had towards him the last two weeks. In fact the Dixie Chick's "Not Ready To Make Nice" has been going through my head when I think of him.

I went from total confusion with the idea of him hooking up with randoms, to the more logical thought that maybe OW1 moved, to complete anger and "I am so done" when he confirmed he had been seeing her. He has never admitted to having physical relationships, but I know he has, and honestly if I didn't know that, it's so obvious. What else would he want with them?

So today was great. I went shopping and found some really cute jeans and tops. My dad who adores the boys came and watched the older three while I took the baby and met up with SIL. Today was really, really great. I even took a short nap when I got home. I hadn't said one word to H, since he confirmed "yes" and turned off all contact, and any means of him tapping into me, so no FB status updates or anything like that. And I had no intentions of seeing him or talking to him. Any calls would go to VM, and I would text him if I needed to respond about the boys. But that didn't happen, so no need to deal with anything.

So, 24 hours since he confirmed and I went dark, HE SHOWS UP AT THE HOUSE! He just walks right in. I was thinking..WTF! 24 hours, that's it? And he comes right up and hugs me and asks me if I'm okay, and I say no. I give him a partial hug back.

I'm just so mad inside. I'm thinking you just told me yesterday that you were seeing OW1, and now you want to come see me and hug me? I was in this place now where he knows that I know, and so I can just move on and he doesn't think...who knows what he thinks...but he knows I want nothing to do with him and why, and I'm at peace with that. Having to keep quiet about H seeing OW was frustrating and I know that's why I felt at peace. I didn't have to pretend anymore. And it's not like I got mad at him or anything. He said yes, and I just walked away and that was that.

So what TVS just posted on her thread about touch and go connection...that is exactly what happened tonight. He stayed for several hours. I focused on the boys, dinner, dancing with S2. I was nice to H, just normal I'd say, friendly, but I know he was so feeling me out to see if I was mad at him. He empted the garbage, he ordered some CDs, and asked if there was any I needed. He played this song for me, that I KNOW he wanted me to hear the lyrics, because they were testing lyrics. I said it was nice. He had posted another testing song to FB earlier too. He knows I get notifications of his posts and that I always analyize the songs he posts. It was so clearly meant for me.

Really H? Really.

So then I went outside with S2, and H followed shortly after and wanted to talk about a tv show we've been watching together as a family and when he'll watch the next episode. I said he could watch it with the boys on his night and H wanted to know when I would, and I said I could watch it whenever. So then he offers to take the kids an additional night when I was going out. This is the night he goes out with his new friends every week like clockwork, and he said he didn't care and he would do that and then come over on his night too so we can watch the show together. (wow what?)

We played outside for quite awhile with the boys and he stayed and put the boys to bed and then put his arms out for me, asking for a hug, which I did, much better than the one earlier.

Have no expectations, because nothing is ever going to happen as expected! I was all geared up for dark as could be, even sending the boys out the door when H came for his nights so I didn't have to see him kind of dark. He thwarted that one quick, eh? For once I felt like this space I was creating was 100% for me. Too much pain, because even though I know all the horrible things he has done, it hurts so much worse to have him say it.

So now what? Who knows. I haven't contacted him or played games with him. That I think is his key to knowing if I am okay with him, and I'm just not okay with him. I'm nice, I'm friendly, heck, I returned a hug, with genuine affection to the guy who told me he was seeing another woman just 24 hours ago. Yeah you better believe I'm a sweetheart. I just don't have it in me to be mean to him. He is one lucky b@stard that he married me and not just about anyone else. :P

So now I'm back to wondering what I'm to do next. That 24 hours of clarity was sure nice.