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I love her and I dont want to lose her but I already have...




That is a big ASSumption isn't it??

If you had already lost your W she would be GONE. You would have NO contact with her, she wouldn't be calling, she would'nt be coming over, SHE WOULDN"T BE DOING YOUR LAUNDRY!!

Yes, she pushed your buttons. Someone might have called her and told her some rumor concerning you that got her dander up...she lashed out at you with the one thing she KNOWS will piss you off. It's a viscious thing to do but oh so common.

You did the RIGHT thing by NOT fighting back. That might have surprised her ya know...not getting your typical reaction. GOOD 180 there if so.

Reading some other threads reminded me of this...the WAS spends just as much time inside their own heads as we do in ours. They have just as much crap going on in there as we do. WE have taken the steps and made a choice concerning the R/M but THEY HAVEN'T...it just seems that way to us.

I know that sounds weird to you, after all, your W doesn't live with you and the family isn't together...looks like a choice to you right? WRONG! It is my opinion that many WAS move out in order to achieve the space and time they feel they need to sort things out in their heads. The LBS just makes it to hard for them to do this while living in the same space. Pursuit behaviour tends to stay strong, they get stared at with perceived condemnation, sadness, pain etc. It is just too much for them to deal with on top of their own problems...so they move out. Remember, it is all about THEM right now and very little about you.

This is what I know about being a WAS from being one myself...a WAS who has made the definite CHOICE of severing the R/M will have NOTHING to do with you beyond the interaction that YOU FORCE. There will be no calls,visits, e-mails,IM's, dual appointments, borrowing of the car, asking for money or anything else. There may come a time when they will try to be FRIENDS but that will be all it is, nothing more. Sometimes even that isn't possible because the LBS won't allow for mere friendship...it would take me a whole other post to explain that one A WAS who intends to stay away will leave NO opening for you, period.

I don't see that happening in your sitch. I see someone leaving a trainload of openings. Your W still turns to you when a crisis arises, she still calls and visits, you still ml on occasion, you still talk. Granted, much of it isn't on your terms but like I said before...it isn't about you and it is ALL about her. It is all about her anger, confusion, life, children etc and her timeline. It sucks for you but that is the reality of it.

Until you readily accept all of that and allow for her to make her OWN choices on her OWN you are going to continue to have your buttons pushed and experiencing a lot of down time. Those who tell you to "drop the rope" mean exactly that...it is a necessity in order to be successful. It is achieving "loving detachment". It is setting aside the fear of driving her further away if you aren't available to her 24/7. It is part of why you are told so often to "not make it easy" for her. She has yet to see what being TOTALLY on her own would really mean. Many a WAS who finally experiences that quickly sees that it truly isn't what they want and you see a magical transformation. Seemingly overnight they change their minds and the talking starts and repair of the R/M is sought by BOTH parties.

Be a father to your children by all means but STOP being a HUSBAND...if only for a couple of weeks. You really have nothing to lose by trying this and what you could gain could be amazing.

hugz,
Zoo

"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm." - Mahatma Gandhi