Yes, Snodderly, I was trying to imply that...to follow their lead...I had to do that today. W had another volunteer shift, and due to car issues with S1, me being on call and possibly having to go into work, and/or take S3's friend home, she decided to rollerblade to work. Now, the old T would have had issues with that, and said so (it's 3-4 miles) and, well, been over-protective...new T did still had issues, but kept his mouth shut...it's HER thing, I just offered to drive her in and drop her off, and pick her up, very non-pressuring, not like a "parent". Based on her demeanor, I think I just might have been being tested, but idk.
FY, yes purpose and meaning are a huge factor in this I believe, especially for my W, being "out-sourced" from her beloved job by just natural maturity in the kids.
UR, Thank you so much, that means a lot now that I know a wee bit about your journey...
W's rings still on, T still no asky no questions...lol, though he did move his ring from the jewelry box to out open on the dresser, I think W saw this morning when she came in to change (which is a "new" thing, less modesty, again), not sure though...
Quietly sitting, watching, listening, going about my life... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Well played, T. Well played indeed. It sounds like a test sbe was giving you there and you passed. When something like that comes up and you offer to help, they might just say no because they think you don't really mean it or because they think you're trying to earn brownie points. The best thing to do is shrug it off and say suit yourself. Let them worry about some imaginary hidden agenda.
I also know what you mean about "modesty". W used to parade around in the altogether (lol) but now it's all locked bathroom doors and clothes laid out before getting in the shower. In a way it's good though because it keeps my mind off what I'm missing out on
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
W still wearing her rings, I finally asked her about it and she said maybe it would help, the symbolism, but quickly that she just hadn't worn them in a long time and that the rings were never a "must have" with us (which is very true). I did put mine back on as well now.
Her working is going well, though she comes home pretty tired, especially when she goes to and from under bike or blade power, I told I can appreciate that (working all day and getting there via bike) and validated...last night (Mom's Day) I made a pretty good vegetarian dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. And she was really nice and "herself", though tired, later in the evening after she recovered from her work day. I wish she could sleep better, I think that would really help her state of mind.
I also put new wheels on her spare blades without saying anything, she thanked me this morning.
As I posted over on rH's thread...The replay stuff is hard, I am pretty sure W was online again based on her behavior, and the fact that she came to our room to check-in with me before bed, she hasn't done that in a while. Seems when ever she thinks she is "busted", or worried that she went too far, she tries real hard to check my temp and such...but idk...
I reviewed the "stages" document and am hoping this regression is part of the acceptance stage and she is in the process of closing those doors. I noticed her known replay email account is now closed when I accidentally sent an email to it (it was in my contact list)...so, I know that may, or may not mean anything, as it is easy to create a new one.
She also has laid off emailing me so much, and maybe I think a bit of the old not communicating things like work schedule and such, but I was swamped this weekend, so maybe I forgot. She seems to have withdrawn/distanced quite a bit, BUT, I see more of real W I think, so maybe just the mini cycles of acceptance...?
She also doesn't want to do the weekend getaway now, but rather a day/evening thing due to the money and that she has to work weekends.
I have been doing pretty okay, just plugging away at what needs doing, but taking some chill out time as well. Of course, with it being spring/summer, shorts, tanks and bikinis...this is a bit difficult in that "wanting" department in me.
So I am good, but with ups and downs, like anyone. Just trying to roll with it and live the best I can and leaving her be as much as possible. T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks for the update. I was SO wondering how you were.
Do you get the feeling she wants to fall back "in love" with you again? Wanting and waiting for the high emotions of it? Knowing you are the prize, but holding back for this?
It's so disappointing to think she might be back on line with "those" activities, but, yes, that was her activity of choice for replay...so...
I had forgotten about the closing of doors in stages. I need to review that as well.
The weekend getaway might've been a lot of pressure for you both, so maybe the day/evening thing will go better. We can always hope (if not expect) anyway, right?
Your W has not been communicating as much via email? My H had so much to say in a short period of time and then it was over. Maybe that's a part of a stage too? The get-out-all-these-emotions before they can think straight stage?
You're doing all the right things--helping quietly, and leaving her to do what she needs to do.
I dread the "tired" part of working all day, as I will hafta face that in August. But, I'm excited about the change of pace in my life.
Keep up the good work, T^2!!!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
T^2, Dig deeper for patience because you will need it as she cointinues to navigate along the Yellow Brick Road.
Please step back and try not to watch her too closely. I sense you are analyzing her and her actions. She senses it too. When you were laid back and allowing things to flow smoothly, she was more relaxed and open. Time, my friend, to stop watching the pot boil. She's going to have one step forward, two steps back before it's all said and done.
Turn the focus on to you for a while. Allow your w the time and space to figure things out w/o her feeling your vibes of "anxiety". She senses them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have been anxious about a lot of things not related to the R, Snodderly, and the last recent BD did set me back, and since she is in "not sure" mode now I am sure I am looking for clues...some relief from the limbo and wanting us to be working together on the same page on some things. Or be done and let's get it over with and see what life brings on next...Ugh. This is tougher than I could have guessed.
I did forget to mention that I did re-affirm, based on all I have read about infidelity, mlc and knowing W, and based on what my IC said MAY be a block for W, the fears of getting past all this and it being brought up in the future, that all is forgiven, no matter how "bad" it may or may not be and it will not be brought up or used against her, I even gave myself the consequence to her that if I did bring it up in anger, or to "win" a point, that I would automatically forfeit the discussion and my point, as I wasn't playing fair. She really reacted to this in a positive way. (And she knows the old T just hated to lose a discussion if he was right...yup, be right or be happy is new T's thing).
rH, I think she is looking for that "in love" feeling, based on what she has said, at least a little spark of it. Yesterday I wore sleeveless shirt, W always liked my arms, and they have a nice cut going on...and showed off the bruises and cuts from fixing the washer (a nasty rebuild), saving us $500 or more over buying a new one, and making dinner, and cleaning up...good lord what does a guy have to do these days to impress his W...? LOL
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
When you have a moment, please sit down and make a list of all of the "positive" reactions she has had towards something you've done. You may have to review the list to see which ones can be repeated.
As for the "in love" feeling, it will return for her, but the depression is still smothering it a bit. I'm going to toss something out there for you to think about...what did you do on your very first date w/your w? Maybe it's time to repeat that first date and see what happens...just food for thought.
I know it's a hard journey, but it will be well worth it if she can just feel comfortable in her own skin. The "not sure" mode is very typical at this time because she's sitting on the fence and doesn't want to let go of her safe haven and venture forth into the real world. Keep dropping the crumbs and I think it's time to start thinking about that "first" date in this new relationship.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I will do so Snodderly, though the positive reactions can be inconsistent with W based on her mood, sleep deprivation state, etc., so I will have to choose carefully.
Oh, and my quip about "what's a guy got to do" was tongue in cheek...I didn't have much expectations as W worked and was tired, and if I were D I would have done exactly the same things yesterday. It just kinda cracked me up a bit as the old W would have been very expressive in appreciation...but we aren't in Kansas anymore these days... Who knows, maybe it's being chalked up there in her head as points for staying, idk.
First date...hmmm...coffee and conversation, and a 10 block walk to my BMW to give her a ride home so she wouldn't have to bike (and I got to show off my inventiveness getting her bike into the trunk, lol, males in their 20's....)...so maybe a movie, and then coffee and a walk on the greenbelt?
Anyway, I have to remind myself that W is in a new job, a big change, and will need time to adjust and find that rhythm. I also have to remind myself that I am tired and overdone on a few things in life not related to the sitch, so don't jump to any conclusions or decisions, analyze or mind read.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
