New to this ...

[Spartan]

At this time I don't think there is a correct way to have that (or any R) conversation. You and your W's emotions are still way too high to have these types of talks productively.

Right now I think you need to be a little less available when she calls or texts. You're busy getting on with your life so either be too busy to talk or at least act like you are .

Sound like the conversation was script about no feelings so try not to give it much thought.

Which should I choose??? I should pick the one I want to and not worry.

Bingo...unless of course you have other plans. Sooner or later though you need to make her start feeling what life will be like without you. That will mean her having to juggle getting kids places alone without your help.


So what GAL are you considering. I'm going to keep bugging you about GAL until you come up with some . It's that important!!!

[steveh27]

thanks spartan. I do work out but at home. I used to really like video games but that is part of a 180 as it built resentment. Money is tight so anything might be stretching the wallet. I thought about golfing more but that adds up. I am honestly finding it hard as we never have much time with kids and the downtime was nice to have at home. I might just do coffee someplace for now till I can figure it out.

I just had the correct conversation with W. "I said Im done doing this anymore. Although I dont agree with this I want to you to do what you want. You said once that if you loved me enough you would want me to be happy. But i want you to just do what you want." And then I walked away ... she seemed slightly off when I said it.

[sandi2]

You said once that if you loved me enough you would want me to be happy. But i want you to just do what you want." And then I walked away ... she seemed slightly off when I said it.

Was that the reaction you were looking for?

Here's the thing Steve, none of that is going to work the way you hoped. B/c you're still hoping upon hope that something you say will cause her to feel what she once felt for you. Just a little feeling to stir in her heart to remind her, right?

Here's what I see with a lot of couples in this type of stitch. The LBH is trying to say different things, hoping he will stumble on the magical statement that will cause her to turn back to him. At some point, they may have a day or two that they are civil to each other. But what happens is totally different from each other's goals. He sees her being a nice for a few days and starts hoping she's coming around. The WAW, however, thinks he is being nicer and that's the time to ask him the hard questions.....like "how do you want to divide things"? B/c he has one goal in mind (save the M) while she has another goal in her mind (get out of the M).

When we say it takes lots & lots of time, that's just what we mean. I wish it would change in a few days, and the possibility is always there, but unlikely. It just doesn't usually happen the way you are hoping it will.

When you finally accept the fact that your talks are not going to change her heart, then you will begin to see past your own fog to realize it takes time for her to see consistent changes in you. She isn't going to believe in any of your actions for a while, b/c she thinks you're just doing it to bribe her or impress her to stay.

That's why we tell the LBS to work on themselves.

[steveh27]

Normally I do agree with you sandi but my intentions were different. I meant my words to her. I only mentioned her expression because it was different than before conversations. Kind of like why are you now saying this. But in all honesty I know I have to say this now because I feel there nothing left to say except for - how do we handle this with the kids and deal with mediation.

I always love your bluntness but im emotionally drained after today and needed to regroup and get myself in check by finally admitting this. It will be a long road your right but I need to come at this from a different perspective now ... and that is reality. Do I love her ... yes, but im not willing to ride the roller coaster anymore.

[steveh27]

Sandi thank you though. I do appreciate your insight and everything you said seems right regarding the W. Nothing I will say will change this now nor am I expecting it to.

[Breakdown]

I haven't been great at GAL, but I did really start getting pretty good at it before W decided she wanted to give it another shot.

What I think you want to do is three things:

- have fun
- be unavailable
- meet new people

Every activity doesn't have to hit all three. For instance, sometimes I just get cleaned up nice and go for coffee with a book. W doesn't know what I'm doing, only that I look good, smell good, and am gone. There's a "mystery" factor there, and yet, I'm doing something I enjoy, and am pretty chatty/smiley while gone.

Sometimes I go to happy hour, have a beer or two, and then go to a movie....all by myself. Sometimes I take one of the kids with me for some 1 on 1 time. Sometimes I go for a run with a group (love the hash runs...~$5 and a blast of a time). I work out most days at home as well, but afterwards, I usually find something to do, even if only for an hour or two. Just get out, be friendly, smile, and if at all possible, meet some people.

[Breakdown]

I always love your bluntness but im emotionally drained after today and needed to regroup and get myself in check by finally admitting this.

That is a tough admission, and it does suck some of the life from you, but that's part of the process. Hang in there.

It will be a long road your right but I need to come at this from a different perspective now ... and that is reality. Do I love her ... yes, but im not willing to ride the roller coaster anymore.

Why do you think you are on a roller coaster?

[MrCAS]

Hey Steve... we have the same birthday.

[sandi2]

I hope you can get some rest. These other guys can tell you how exhaustion usually has to get the best of them in order to just be still and not feel like they are in a physical match 24/7.

Even though she's talking D, it doesn't mean it's the end. It may be the end of this M, but it doesn't mean there will never be a future. Just rest and take care of you for now.

[steveh27]

Roller coaster? When the first bomb dropped i thought it was all me but W didnt share the EA till almost a month after. Then for the last week it was all emotions and anger. Well then we had 3 what seemed like good days of what thought was a try at healing .. she dropped the second bomb of her appt with lawyer. I know this is short compared to many on here - but I just feel I have to realistically get my kind set for the worst.