Well, the conversation didn't exactly go where I'd hoped it would go, but I guess I was expecting that. In a nutshell:
She is involved with OM; She checked out of M years ago, for many reasons; She has been trying to do things to 'support' me, with the aim of helping me 'get over her';
The conversation was a bit one sided...in the end, I was the one who seemed to have the most to say. I did not grovel...while I did express that I was sad to see our R going this direction and that I didn't necessarily like it, I made it clear that I support her decision. I suppose I knew all along that there was OM, but just couldn't face it. All of the wondering was killing me, so I asked her to just tell me, truthfully, if that was the case. She began to explain to me about OM, but I just told her that I didn't need to know any more, that it was none of my business. I simply needed to know, so that I could sleep at night without wondering, without torturing myself about it. I also let her know that it was important, for all our sake, that she be honest about it, rather than sneaking around, lying to me and our kids in some twisted attempt to 'protect' us. In the end, that part of the conversation, though terrifically painful for me, went well.
After that, I told her that I thought it important for us to get over ALL forms of obfuscation...the fact that we have children together will necessitate some sort of relationship between us. I let her know that while I did have hope, that in the end if we couldn't at least be friends, things would probably be very ugly, and that I did not want that. She asked me where I was at in the process, and I told her that I'm working on me, trying to improve myself; that I'm trying to reconnect with some old friends and live my life; that I had hope for us, but that I understood the reality of right now, and that I had to learn how to live with a new reality. I do truly want for her to be happy, whatever that means...I told her so, and I'm proud of myself for having the courage to do so...Probably the most difficult, painful experience I've ever had.
She did say some things about why she left, but in the end I know that much of it is just her mechanism for protecting herself, and trying to make her way forward. She is rewriting our history, as I've been told she would...interestingly enough, she was the one to acknowledge that she's doing this, so I hope she'll have the courage look inward and start working on herself.
Anyways, when the conversation began, I told her that after our conversation ended I had three questions, three requests for her. When we were through a couple of hours later, she asked me what my questions were. First, I asked her for a hug, a real hug...I told her that if it was to be the last one I wanted to be able to remember it...she agreed, and it was a beautiful hug. Then I kissed her, very gently...it too was beautiful. Afterwards I told her that was my second request, and that I apologized for not asking, and that it was for the same reason. Finally, I asked her to remove my wedding ring...I have never taken it off myself except when some condition desperately required it, such as unforeseen work requirements and the like. She was not comfortable with this, but eventually she did remove it and hand it to me, very lovingly. I kissed her cheek, told her that I love her, and walked away.
I can't really think too well, having written all this out...and I'm crying, so I think I'll just go for now...
