EXTREMELY strong feelings of resentment on Sunday morning. It did not start with going to church and watching my D's see all the other moms there with their kids, but that certainly didn't help.
The resentment lasted about half the day, or into the early afternoon. The rest of the day, I was able to tolerate my feelings as they tamed down.
I feel like I need to figure out how to get past this resentment stuff. I don't think I'm outwardly being a p-rick, but it's obvious that I don't really want to be around her or in the same room, and I can see how that can come across as p-rickish. I don't want to come across that way, but the feelings are so strong sometimes.
I love her so much, but am left scratching my head and wondering who this person is.
I do have the feeling and the faith that hindsight will indeed be very 20/20 later on. That helps with my patience...knowing I'll look back and see things clearly.
The irony of us essentially switching places has reared its ugly head again. I remember her telling me there were times where she didn't know why she was doing what she was doing, why she bit her tongue, why she put up with me, how she had to buffer the kids from seeing what I was doing, how she didn't want to be around me or how she couldn't even look me in the eye.
I'm THERE.
And I suppose she's somewhere out there lost like I was, searching for an answer. I hope she starts looking in the right place.
She bit her tongue until she broke, and that started this process a year and a half ago. Should I bite my tongue until I completely break too?
Tangentially, she's still temperature checking me. Things like lightly kicking my leg and pushing it while I sit on the couch to initiate contact, and asking me to crack her back. As strong as my feelings are, MAN is it difficult to hold back in that moment, fight off millions of years of evolution, and stick to the plan! (But I did not respond - I took the kids to the park, like I told them I would.)
Mother's Day: I got her a card and simply signed it (I did spend some time picking it out...after all, there are sections called "From Husband" and "For Grandmother", but there isn't a section called "Separated from wife, hopeful for reconciliation, don't want to add any pressure by actually mentioning or alluding to Marriage or Love or the Future, but not even really sure about where things are right now and/or/if they are going anywhere anyway"). In addition, I did the dishes and cleaned out the fridge. I took care of the kids all day, but that is usual for a weekend since I get to see them so little during the week. The dishes and fridge were for Mother's Day (and just needed to be done)...I've stopped doing most of that sort of thing. Her house, her problem. If I make a mess, I clean it up. That's it - just like I would a "friend."
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
