Still Struggling and need help #3

[CharlieBrown]

Thank you RH, I really appreciate it. I have thought a lot about FB as well. I do think that it is such an easy medium that in and of itself, the temptation of it is inherently dangerous when your marriage is vulnerable. Things that you might have not acted on and instead you would have focused on fixing your marriage become really easy to act on. But, in the old days (or I guess now, hopefully not) it could be the guy at the gym or the coworker, and I would have no idea. So, it in a way is maybe better that it is in my face? Don't know, [censored] either way and I appreciate your empathy.

CB

[CharlieBrown]

Had a "date night" but with two other couples we are close to. One is W's best friend who is spending the afternoon with her and told me this week she is going to bring up the tat-boy thing based on the call she got two weeks ago from W telling her she was pming tat-boy. When we were in the bar at the restaraunt and everyone else was in the bathroom, she gave me a big hug, one that told me she understands. I hope so and if W will open up to anyone, it will be her. I am hopeful, but very anxious/nervous as well, knowing the stakes if W pushes back the other way.

For now, focusing in on being the best H I can be. Just went for a walk with W and dog. W is working out and I am going to start making brunch w kids in a minute. She is really into organics lately, so doing organic oatmeal w dried cherries and almond slivers, topped with organic honey, organic omelet with mushrooms (which I bought just for her, she knows I hate them), spinach and feta, and organic peanut butter smoothie. I found all the recipes online.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you Mother's who are going through this tough journey. I admire your courage and hope you have a wonderful day with your kids.

CB

[CharlieBrown]

Have had a great day so far. Breakfast came together great, even the kids loved all the home-made organics (when S12 asked for seconds of his oatmeal, we almost passed out). W went with her best friend flower shopping and they came for 1/2 of D9's soccer game. A few months ago, no way she would have come when she was "on the town" with her best friend. Then, they went flower shopping again and have been at the bar/grill at a neighborhood golf course for almost 2 hours catching up. I know that this was best friend's strategy, to get a few drinks in her, then have a heart-to-heart to try to get her to open up. It has been a few weeks since they have done this, so it isn't unusual.

Oddly, W left her Kindle here, which has FB on it and I haven't gone on. I am trying to live up to what you have advised, plus I feel good about what I am doing. In candor, I am very nervous/anxious to hear how her time with her friend goes though because I know what you are all saying is true that she could say anything, including disclosing what I have told her, that I know about tat-boy, etc. I am praying she follows the plan, but I know when two best friends are together, the plan can go out the window. If all goes well, she doesn't do this.

CB

[reachingHigher]

Happy Mother's Day to all of you Mother's who are going through this tough journey. I admire your courage and hope you have a wonderful day with your kids.

Thank you. CB, this is sweet.

How did the time with W and her friend go? Do you know yet?

I admire you for respecting her privacy and not going on the Kindle. Good job

[CharlieBrown]

RH,

Yes, friend texted me last night "don't worry, good update" and called me this morning. I had my hopes up based on that, but didn't quite live up to my expectations:

1. W is happy with the changes I have been making over the past month.
2. W is glad we are doing counseling.
3. W is still feeling lost, like there is something missing.
4. W doesn't know what she wants with moving, she is all over the map and makes no sense (sidenote...welcome to my world...).
5. Friend asked about tat-boy and her "obsession". She said not obsessed with tat-boy, but that he is 30, ultra-good looking, started a business, is really inspirational, and basically that she is more living vicariously through him. Unfortunately, friend didn't push this and ask her about contacting him on her visit to xyz city.
6. W is, in her opinion, better, but still not herself.
7. Friend talked about the negative effect this move would have on me and the kids and W talked about how she knows, but she wants to do the move anyway.

So, it was positive from a standpoint of how W said she is doing, but didn't have the effect of getting her to open up on tat-boy or stop doing it. So, we'll call this one a push?

CB

[CharlieBrown]

W did say last night (at BW3, her favorite spot, which she picked for dinner) that this was a great Mother's Day, one of her best ever. That was nice to hear for the kids and really nice for me to hear.

CB

[TSquared2]

Hi CB,

You got some good intel there...

The important thing is that what you are doing (changes, 180's, etc) seems to be working. Tat-boy is a distraction, the move, who knows. We always forget when we dream of some big change, like moving, or being free of a M, that once we get "there", that we are still just the person we were before, just in a new environment.

My W tends to latch onto an idea and is very reluctant to let it go at times, maybe this is at play with your W and the only thing you can do is to let time have time maybe with that aspect...

Hang in there!

T^2

[CharlieBrown]

Thanks T. The irony is, there is some logic in where she wants to move and why. We loved it there, I graduated from there, lot's of positives there. There is the one MINOR DETAIL that I don't have a job there, but hey, in an MLC, why let that hold you back. Part of my tat-boy issue is that he is there as well and I need to have clear air and know how he fits into the string of recent events before I am going to risk uprooting to move closer to him. Honestly, if that wierdness wasn't in the background, I would be exploring my options in that town more seriously.

CB

[~ kd ~]

Why would you be exploring your options of moving there?

Would it be because you would like to move there?

Or would it be because you are trying to fix W's unhappiness?

[CharlieBrown]

KD,

Both. Truth is, were it not wrapped in an MLC, the idea and logic of moving back there would not be all bad. The issue of me not having a job there is huge, obviously, but the kids are at an age where we either dig in and stay here for a while, or we try to move sooner, well before high school. But again, the MLC thing is weighing in and I don't want to make a huge life decision based on the cloud my W is in, plus, I know that the tat-boy thing plays a role in this and the air needs to be cleared on that before we can really look at this seriously.

CB