About the detaching ... which this is what I struggle sometimes with ... I am doing many good things with giving space, but I have a hard time with just silence or only answering when initiated by W. We both seem to want to have conversations, not anything about R, avoiding anything down that road, but just normal everyday things.
I think detachment is the single most misunderstood concept around here. It does not have anything to do with not having a conversation with your W!! By all means, talk to her! Don't talk about the R, M, D or S, but you should absolutely feel free to discuss everyday things. Here's a blurb from Peanut on detachment:
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Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
As this says, detachment is more of a mental attitude then it is anything you say or do. It's removing yourself from the WAS's emotional roller coaster.
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Very, very upset right now and dont know how to respond. Need help!!!!!
She said to take a few days, so she's not expecting an immediate response. Take a few days and then tell her something like "I do not want to proceed with D, but I want you to be happy and if you feel this is what is going to make you happy then I won't do anything to obstruct the process." Leave everything up to her. Keep in mind that this isn't the end, many WAS's fill out the paperwork and then when faced with the ugly black-and-white nature of it they back down. But even if she proceeds and files, that's still not the end. Every state has a cooling-off period, she may lose her nerve before it's made final. And even past that, people do reconcile even after divorce. So this step is no reason to lose hope. How long you hold hope in your heart is strictly up to you.
