I am sorry I just cant keep doing this. I know everyone here is trying to do what they can to help me and the one or two theres around me that i dont see that much. It is just eating up from the inside out. yes could be the fact i have to move and have no place to go yet. yes it could be that my job is kinda in fluks you all know how IBM is.if i did not have dog i would have a place but yet think i dont think i could commit to it het. the stomach is a reck all. not eating well at all. just giving up on everything even here with the coaching.
my big thing is that i have this need to talk to WAW more than you know. I try to do no contact but always find a reason to contact. I havve a lawyer to ses this week for a separation but i do not want one and the only reaaason i did it was to try and protect myself. i was told by an none DB theropist that i should do it. or she could come after everything i have gotton till i file. I dont think she wil do that to me but who knows. I do not want to send wrong signs to WAW
however i do not want to loss wht i have too. i mean i had to replace everything in my current house when she moved out. i mean everything. I was just with my stepdaughter at court for support. her lawyer never saw me before and asked who i was and she said with out any hesitation im her step dad. do you know how that made me feel. very good. Why is it WAW can not see this with the kids that im doing everything she wish i had been. not that i was a bad to them. they just had a problem with drugs. and now things are better. she moved out of her moms house and told me she would never go back there.
anyway my burning desire here is that i feel like i want to ask WAW what is stopping her from talking to me. what is the road block. Also if she would be willing go to talk in front of a theropist if it made her feel better. I just dont get why she is so cold but back some time she wanted to be friends. confused i am. Yes i have been told she likes other girls but i can not confirm this. nor do i understand it. i just feel she was pulled into it by her friend that has been around her 24/7 365 for the past 2 years one of them was when WAW and I had still been living together. WAW was there to console her in her relationship the broke up. so it all could have started there. WAW says it was fom the kids and me but truly do not think so.
we both had so much going on with me being ill from car accident and a total of 6 surgeries and not wanting and could not do anything. this was all the same time this lesbo came by.so do i think WAW is realy gay or just talked into it. I do not know but i do need to have her tell me it.
Like i said i do not wand to separate legaly or divorce. it is killing me that i even have the free consolt this week. all this is not known by the DB coach and would love her input on this and if i should close the joint account. She is not around till next week.
How knows maybe it is my WAW knows that im always there for her and will always pick up the slack for her meaning money wise. more so with the car. but if i do a separation in it will be you need to get the car out of my name. and in NYS both have to agrea to the separation 100% or it will not be filed. I know the car is the problem for her she has crap for credit aand is over extended herself way to much in many areas. But if i keep paying the car when it gets to late and then like this past week has the money to go away then WTF. i am being used. But dont want to shut the doors on her too.
I was there for her all the time even when together but may be she felt guilty from it. who knows i just want to know what the real road block is here. I try to leave it in GOds hands but maybe he is telling me to do this but yet im not hearing it. My WAW mom that i talk to all the time as i feel like she replaced my sick mom.said that she does not get it but she was asking if i was willing to give her till the end of the year to get the car taken car of. She feels that is the road block the car. but yet if WAW was to talk to me maybe we could work something out. But she is so unwilling to talk and deal with this and anything i feel i have no choice but to push it with the car. but know she sill not agree to the separation papers. That would be in it to get the car out of my name or give it back and i will refinace it in my name or just call loan company tell them to take the car and f*** my and her credit.
I dont know . i was told i could talk to an other coach but it would take the hr to get them up to speed. Has anyone talked to a 2nd coach in a sich like this. I hope some one has and it helped out i dont want to change but i need to know now ASAP what is the correct path this week.
also just feel like someone said to me there afrain im absessed with WAW. I dont think so. I love her we are married still but she is gay as far as i know 3rd hand. whats others thoughts on this
Sorry to hear things are still going so crappy for you. I don't believe a 2nd coach is the answer for you.
I know you really want W to come around, but do you think she ever will? When? It doesn't sound to me like she will anytime soon. Maybe cutting her loose will wake her up. Nobody knows.
I suggest you re-read "The After the Last Resort Technique, the Ultimatum" in DR. See if you think you're ready for it. Best wishes.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I know you really want W to come around, but do you think she ever will? When? It doesn't sound to me like she will anytime soon. Maybe cutting her loose will wake her up. Nobody knows.
Best wishes.
I am not sure what she wants or if she will ever come around.But i dont want to loss hope the the Lord God can make changes in anyone. I just know or feel this will take a long time and just well still hurt bad over this. one would think i would not hurt still bad still.
My stomach is so bad and upset just feel sick most the time. It could be at this point that i have to move by the 31st and have no place to go yet. For some reason i just can not commint to anything at this point. Also have no help moving my stuff. I am mostly out but no one to help with the big stuff.
I know this is stupid but need to take it has a little hope tell me is im just wrong and stupid.
I text my WAW just telling her to get out enjoy the warm weather. that God has given her alot to offer the ones around her and hope her job is getting better. i did say I love you to her.
Most time her reply is none or just TY. but this time i was suprised that she said "TY Right back attcha ya" she always used to say that to me in the past when things were good. not sure it mens anything but whatever.
I am so messed up im taking it as a god thing. I pray every day for a little hope and for help to know what way to go. I did talk to lawyer yesterday and what i left with was to stay with what im doing. there was no real reason why to file separation. but it was up to me. I guess my hope with it was I could try and force WAW to come talk to me about what she wants. But to be honest If i had to guess i do not think she really knows I know she is hurting and having a problem with money as i have had to pay car to get it caught up.
All i do is try to be nice to her and well my step daughter. we talk all the time and she even call me to get her to Dr as she was not feeling well at all.she has a girl infection.
Why she called me and not her mom to get her to Dr i do not know. But i had to pay everything for her the kid has no money. I know her mom has no idea that i have been there for step daughter. I wish some one would tell her this way she will see the the changes i have made are real. But it still all hurts and maybe at this point im just nuber the gun and have misdirected feelings because of the move and having no home to go to. I feel like all of WAW family will just not see me anymore and not be in contact. then stop on there way home to work and they beep everyday going past my house. Im going to miss all that now..
Life is sucking and im getting tired. I just need a place to live first. feel like WAW is doing better than i am with having a place to live and cant confirm but having her lover with her. Why does she still not want to talk to me and say she is still angry. but what about my feelings and what she is doing to me. I just feel dead and sometimes wish i was just to stop the pain.
LF, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. Unfortunately your W is the absolute last person you should reach out to right now. You've got to resist the urge to do that, because the WAS will not be attracted back to a suffering LBS, they need to see an LBS that is happy, content and choosing to live life regardless of whether the WAS is part of it or not. That's the place you need to get to and until you can get there you've got to keep contact with W to a minimum.
Originally Posted By: lostforever
My stomach is so bad and upset just feel sick most the time.
Sorry if you've talked about this already as I'm not up on your sitch, but have you talked to a doctor about medication for your depression? If you're still in this place after 8+ months then med's may be what you need to help you cope. I took them during the darkest part of my sitch and feel like that's what pulled me out of the ditch. After the "old me" was back I was able to wean off of them.
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I guess my hope with it was I could try and force WAW to come talk to me about what she wants.
Do you mean you think by filing S papers it'll wake her up? If so then that's definitely a bad strategy. You can't push or force the WAS into the choice that YOU want. Whenever you push or force the WAS, they will choose against the M. Every time. DB'ing is all about removing all pressure. Filing for S or D is a huge form of applying pressure. You've got to give the WAS time and space to sort things out themselves on their own timeline. You can't speed it up.
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I know her mom has no idea that i have been there for step daughter. I wish some one would tell her this way she will see the the changes i have made are real.
She'll find out sooner or later. Don't assume she doesn't know, she probably does. That's not going to send her running back to you though, so if that's your expectation then you need to drop it. Just stick with it, consistent behavior + time = changes she'll believe in.
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Why does she still not want to talk to me and say she is still angry.
Because that's the way WAS's are. They don't see their LBS that way anymore (as someone to confide in). Maybe they will again some day, but it takes a long time to get there.
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but what about my feelings and what she is doing to me.
She doesn't want to think that she's hurting anyone through her actions, so she will do whatever she can to avoid hearing about your feelings. She doesn't want to be reminded. The more hurt you look/ act the less she'll want to be around you. That's one of the reasons DB'ing is all about PMA and showing the WAS a content, happy you. That's the best chance of attracting them back- showing them the you that they were attracted to to begin with.
Did I say that I was told she may be a lesbian or trying things out?
So what good it all this if she is doing that?
I was doing looking into the S D as a way to protect myself and this was told to me by my therapist. I was also told to close the joint account but did not do that. in my gut i think it will send the wrong message but I have to keep putting cash in it from time to time for fees. I dont care if i do have to put cash in it. It is just im so messed up.
So many others tell me look she is not going to come back But I feel God can heal hearts and i honour my marriage Vows. Some say Im crazy and obsessed with her. so it is hard to deal with all this.
I think at this point again I may have misdirected feelings and confusion as i have to be out of this house on the 31st but still to this day have nothing at all. I can go to live with dad but it is so negitive there and I do not know if it would be good for me. I am just trying to lean on God but I feel I am not getting any signs from him. I may be but im not seeing them but should i not have found a place already and it is not like i have not looked. I also have a Job in flux and a sick dog. Mom in nursing home Power of att for my dad so i deal with that.
I just need my own place. it is also hard letting go of 6,000 just to walk in door of new rental. that's what it cost around here. So yes i am stressed. I don't want to take any more meds Im on so many already.
Just really hate my life at this point and I should be enjoying it. I keep asking myself Hmmmm i wander if my WAW is having a hard time at all?
