Hey JP - all of that fits with me... Like you were talking to and about me. After my wife left, I came to quickly realize that there were things I needed to change. Things I did and didn't do that affected the marriage, but also me. Yet, the trigger for this was her leaving. Not me seeing it, now I guess that is how change triggers at times, almost like an intervention. Since, I've been trying to show, talk and prove to my wife that I'm changing. I think you and everyone are right, I need todo change for myself, first and foremost.
PS - I'm talking to a therapist, have been since she left. Also been to the Doctor, and am on some AD, which I'm sure are helping.
Today is another one of those days though. I miss her so badly. I know in my heart that the things she had issues and hurt with and from could be fixed. But she just doesn't see or believe that. She feels it is too broken, that if she felt it could have been fixed she would have stayed.
It hurt so badly on the weekend when she said she didn't want to be married to me, and most likely never married ever again. It also hurt so much to her her say that after she went back to work and things backslid that it hurt her even more because she knew how it could be...and that she knew I was trying, but, in the wrong areas... I keep asking myself, why didn't she say something? I asked her if she thought it would never change, the age old saying, you know. She said no, I knew it could, but was too hurt and tired by the end, and leading up to it thought I could just deal with it and we'd get through it. This all kills me so much. The six months prior were some of the best we'd had, even during sickness... And within months after that she decides she has to leave, and it can't be fixed...that she doesn't know who she is or what she wants.
I'm so confused, I am going to try to step out of her way and let her live her life...but it is killing me! I feel like I can't summon the strength to live without her (I don't mean anything drastic, don't think that!) but, that she is my soul mate and best friend, and she is gone.
She has said that she wants to go to counseling when she is back from her trip to see her parents with our D. I hope that she has a good time, is able to relax and collect some thoughts and perspective. Perhaps her Mom and family may help her gain some clarity on her hurt and the marriage, life, etc. I just still worry that counseling will not result in the positives I want...I know that's selfish, but it's how I feel.
I keep thinking of her saying on Saturday, when she asked what I wanted from her...besides reconciling. I said, I just want you to be open, to talk honestly to me and together, to watch and listen to me for changes, for me to become the man and husband you needed and deserved. She looked at me and said I will, but show me, don't always tell me. I see change, along with talking, but show me.
Man, this is all so hard, and I can relate to her now when she says she doesnt know who she is anymore, cause I don't know who I am anymore.
