Certain aspects I have been doing for months. Like the not sharing stuff about what is going on for months...
I'm not sure what you mean, above. What stuff are you not sharing and whom are you not sharing it with?
Before this situation, I would come home and just talk to my husband about my work day or my day or just life in general. For example, the day I had my performance review at work, in the past I would call him and tell him how it went and we would talk about it at home. The goods, the bads, the nothings. This year he knew it happened because he had his own and we talked about it. I never volunteered mine and he never asked – if he had asked I would have shared.
Other stuff I use to share was just general conversation stuff like I ran into so and so at work or did you see that a particular movie or event is coming to town. I use to share when I got home but I don’t anymore. One big one was when I was training for my marathon (I finished in January). I would call him after every run and tell him how it went. He stopped answering the phone. For awhile I would volunteer the information when I got home, I stopped doing that.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
As far as what you did not understand in my previous post: what I was trying to get at is, as you are working on being nice at your coach's recommendation, consider what you do or say, is consistent with that advice.
So for example, snooping is not consistent with GAL, PMA, nor "being nice". Nor would asking for disclosure, nor would requests for your H to work on the M.
I hear what you are saying but am confused a bit. Maybe this is my ultimate problem.
In general I agree snooping is not consistent with my action plan; however, I know that I have a tendency to fall into a false sense of reality. If he comes home on time, leaves on time, doesn’t disappear, etc. I start to assume he has ended it with the OW and that we are working our way back. This sometimes does me more harm. When he travels, I get much stronger because I know he isn’t with me and I cannot control what he does so I GAL, generally have a PMA and am nice when I do talk to him. I do not snoop when he is away anymore. I think I have mentioned I have significantly curtailed my snooping; no more cell phone, email, and whatever else I did. Once I had confirmation of the PA – I stopped. What was the point? Now I have one source that is reliable with information when it is provided; but not reliable in providing all the information. I hope that made sense. Unfortunately or fortunately however you look at it, I think he may have found out about this source and will avoid this now or send misinformation on purpose.
As a side note, I was told to work on being nice to him if he is nice to me. I throw meeting the OW at a bar during work hours into the category of “not nice”.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
As far as being all over the map, it is important for a LBS to stabalize themselves... their emotions... emotional detachment from the sitch (the bad stuff he may say or do). Otherwise your emotional chaos will reflect in how you behave and your H won't see any consistency.
I hope that made sense.
This isn't easy, but it does get better. It sounds like you are making progress and that is awesome. Keep working on it and you will be a DB pro in no time.
I am probably all over the map. I am getting better at not getting on the rollercoaster with him. I liked the line about just saying something to yourself about no thank you I don’t want to ride today. It makes me laugh. Sometimes though I get sad and I know I cannot show him, but it was like I said earlier about the movies. Why did he go if he didn’t want to try to have fun? Why go and be a grump? I still enjoyed the movie but I honestly wondered why I invited him. Any suggestions on balancing my need to invite him against my unwillingness to spend time with the grump? My need to invite him stems from wanting to work on us and not abandoning what chance we have.
He doesn’t fight with me, pick on me or any of the other traditional mean behaviors. He doesn’t blame only me and actually tells people I am great; not in front of me. I hear from them later. His words are not what are my problem. His actions are – he seems very unhappy and it is hard for me to see. I want to help him. I know he caused the situation he is currently in and I will take only my share of the blame for our marriage not being a priority. He is the martyr type and I think he is depressed. I do not know if it is situational based or something different, but I have asked him to see a therapist and until recently he has done nothing about it.
The post that went missing stated another element of my action plan – I am not suppose to initiate a hug good night. My coach told me to go two nights which I did and then on the third night if appropriate I could offer one which I did. Last night was the third night – the hug was odd.
