I want him to be happy

[stilllookingup]

It turned a somewhat worse turn for me yesterday -

Weeks ago I accidentally noticed he changed his status to Separated. Around that time I noticed a same girl I've never seen before posting funny pictures on his wall. He wasn't really commenting on the pics. One day he posted some article I had no idea about but I must have "liked" it as I was falling asleep with my phone in my hand. I noticed that I "liked" it few hours later and unliked it.. only because I had no idea what the article was about. It wasn't because "oh [censored] he's not supposed to know I'm looking at his stuff" Few hours later I noticed the same girl did leave a decent comment on the article.

I also noticed she tagged him in her pictures from a recent hike.

The girl's wall or the pictures are open to public or friends of friends so I could see everything. I cried hard that night as I was finding out about her. She's very cute, tall, a mother of three, is into video games and geek stuff just like my H does. One of her kids' names is my H's favorite movie. She seems like an absolute opposite of me. She also seems like somebody who would be perfect for my H.

I found out about this girl before the charity walk we both went and mentioned in a post before this. After the walk, I noticed again accidentally H removed the marital status from his fb completely. I somehow took it as a good sign that he's not telling the world "he's separated" Since the walk, I still noticed the girl kept posting funny pictures on his wall but he was not commenting on any of it. His sister said something on his wall and he replied right away.

Then yesterday on Mother's day, H called me. (He never calls. We only text when we have to) and asked if I was home because he needed to pick up a CD or something. I knew something was up because he could just come in and get whatever he needs when I'm not home. I knew he needed to see me. He got here and he was looking for whatever he needed but was struggling. As soon as I asked what he was looking for I spotted it right away and gave it to him. He was still standing and didn't look like he was gonna go in the next few min. It was really warm inside so I went to get myself a glass of cold tea and he asked if he could have some. I sat down in a dining chair and he sat down also. I knew he was not gonna leave anytime soon. We chatted for about 2 hours. There was a time we didn't have anything else to update each other and had awkward silence. I was telling him I'm helping my friend to set up a budget and he said "oh that reminds me, the money I'm putting in J checking, is that enough? I was thinking about it the other day and thought maybe that wasn't enough" I reminded him no he puts $$ bi-weekly so he's actually putting twice more than he's thinking. I see on this board sometimes getting money from WAS gets nasty. So far he's been more than great in terms of that but.... to tell you the truth it kills me when he says something like this nice. I almost wish he would act like an a@@ so I wouldn't be so attached.

We were running out of stuff to talk about but I was showing him pictures my friend took at the walk. At the end of the slideshow, out of nowhere he said "So we need to talk about facebook" It really shocked me as he said it very nervously. It was almost like a kid who did something wrong but dreaded to bring it up. I was calm and just listened. He said "So by now you know I started seeing someone" I was quiet and didn't say anything. "I'm so sorry you had to find it on fb. I was so busy with work and didn't realize people see stuff on my wall. A couple of people told me how inconsiderate/inappropriate it is. I'm so sorry I really didn't mean for you to find out like that" Again I was silent. I don't know if I was hurt or appreciated his telling me this. I was just dead quiet. He then said something like how few people (idk if he means his friends or family members) don't like her. I was still quiet and he said he'd totally understand if I didn't wanna talk about it now. I wanted to say something really badly but I just couldn't figure it out.

He got up and said I've been meaning to give you back the parking pass. It's in my car so I'll get it and come back. When he came back, I said I did notice the girl on his wall. He said that he thought I might have noticed it because one day he got a notification I made a comment on his stuff but the comment went away. (He was referring to my "liking-unliking while falling asleep" incident) so I told him the truth. But I also said that's about the time I started seeing the same girl on his wall. I don't know if I should have said it but I told him how it made me so jealous, it made me so jealous that this girl seems to have a lot in common with him. I guess I chose to say that because throughout our m, I was never jealous of any girl he interacted with because I trusted him completely. But I might have had an attitude like "you are not going anywhere when you have me!"

So whether it was DB-ing or not I felt I needed to tell him how I felt learning about it. He kept saying sorry and it started annoying me. I calmly said "It's not that honey. It doesn't matter if I found out about it on fb, from your friends, your family or from you even. I just didn't think you would be dating at all" Again I don't know if it was good or bad but I'm kind of proud of myself for saying that to him. That was my honest feeling about all this.

He looked at our desk area and said he needs to come get all these (just his desk accessories) and his old car sitting in our garage. We are still paying ins for it even though it's non-operative. I already hated the car and wanted him to sell it for the longest time but he never got around to it. Now he's mentioned it a couple of times he needs to sell it so I can use the garage space. Again Idk if he's saying that to be nice but it kills me whenever he says that. I feel that way because if he sells it it's one less thing attached.

Strangely enough he did give me back the parking pass but didn't even mention about giving me the house key or the garage opener.

After he left, I felt completely numb. I couldn't cry. It hurt so badly inside but could not cry.

I can't call my mom because she'll be so worried and I can't do that. I told my best friend last night I couldn't go to her house like promised because something came up. She understood and didn't ask me why, which I really appreciated. I don't wanna talk to my girl friends at work because they will be telling me to move on.

I need you DB friends more than ever. This is so hard but my gut tells me I shouldn't give up. Need encouragement please.