Myself and my W had a conversation today, where she was expressing an interest in changes in my outlook and personality, but it ended up being a conversation in which I had no choice but to talk about us no longer being 'together' as a couple. This is the first time I have said these words myself to my W, its always been her that has been the one to mention D and Separation. I think it has made W more relaxed around me, which is good. But also I wonder if she is not thinking I have finally given up. Is this a bad thing?
We've been getting along fine, and enjoying jokes, even at each others expense. I am not sure if its right to do so, but i have even been making jokes about some of the issues she has with the way i have been in our R. Such as me not being a very good listener etc. Again not sure this is right, but it lightens the mood a little.
On the downside I signed up for a free trial on a dating site tonight. I have not intention of taking this further, but i think its a sign that I am starting to crave a close R with somebody and wanted to see what the outlook is when I am finally alone. My self-esteem is a little low tonight so I think i just needed some reassurance.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
i sure understand that ... im lonely too! ((hugs 2.4))... wish a bunch of us could hang out on these lonely nights.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Myself and my W had a conversation today, where she was expressing an interest in changes in my outlook and personality,
This is good! Keep up with the changes.
but it ended up being a conversation in which I had no choice but to talk about us no longer being 'together' as a couple. This is the first time I have said these words myself to my W, its always been her that has been the one to mention D and Separation. I think it has made W more relaxed around me, which is good. But also I wonder if she is not thinking I have finally given up. Is this a bad thing?
Did you tell her you gave up? I'm betting you did not. She knows where you stand and what you want. Continue to not pressure her.
We've been getting along fine, and enjoying jokes, even at each others expense. I am not sure if its right to do so, but i have even been making jokes about some of the issues she has with the way i have been in our R. Such as me not being a very good listener etc. Again not sure this is right, but it lightens the mood a little.
I think this is good. You have to be "getting along fine" before you can get to where you hope to be.
On the downside I signed up for a free trial on a dating site tonight. I have not intention of taking this further, but i think its a sign that I am starting to crave a close R with somebody and wanted to see what the outlook is when I am finally alone. My self-esteem is a little low tonight so I think i just needed some reassurance.
Bad plan. Looking for someone else to make you whole/happy is a short term solution. It's what spouses who cheat are doing, and it seldom lasts for long. Decide that you can be happy on your own and then make it so. This is not only the best long term strategy for you, but the best chance for saving your M. A strong, confident and independant person who truly loves themself is a most attractive person!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Did you tell her you gave up? I'm betting you did not. She knows where you stand and what you want. Continue to not pressure her.
oh no, nothing of the sort, it just seems so long since I last told her how much I love her and how much I want our M to work, I often wonder what she is thinking.
As for dating site. I agree bad move. But with my big 40 just over a year away I feel a little pressured myself. Maybe this has triggered my own MLC as I do appear to be changing my whole outlook on life as to what is important to me etc. I really don't fancy being the other side of 40 and back in the dating game. I know 40 is still young, but it was not how I envisaged it!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Right all - I have to stop this nonsense now and get on with DBing. As i mentioned I have been distracted by signing up a with a dating site, with no intentions. But now i keep getting mails sent to be with perfect matches. Yes they all look nice, and appear to be nice people. But I'm not comfortable with getting these mails, I feel like I have take the focus off of myself and working towards my M.
I think I am ready to start a new phase of DBing. Re-establish my Goals, have a raincheck on my changes and 180's and become better than the better man i have already become.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Good plan, Mr2.4. I would imagine that you felt a need to at least check out what your future options might be R-wise post-D if things don't work out as you hope. I can completely understand that curiosity.
But I agree with you when you say it's a distraction. I think we all need to keep focusing on ourselves with no expectations and leave the road hime paved and smooth. And dating could only put a major speed bump in that road
Good luck with your 180s and goals. We're here for you if you need us.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
I did the same, at about the same point as you in my sitch, so forgive yourself and get back on your plan... It's normal I think to be curious as to what the future might look like if it has to be that way...
You are correct, it is a distraction, much like the mlc'er uses the OP/whatever as a distraction from the issues and pain...
Hang in there! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I did the same, at about the same point as you in my sitch, so forgive yourself and get back on your plan... It's normal I think to be curious as to what the future might look like if it has to be that way...
You are correct, it is a distraction, much like the mlc'er uses the OP/whatever as a distraction from the issues and pain...
Hang in there! T^2
sometimes T^2 i think we are living as the same person in parallel universes. Just mine is about 12 months delayed!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
But now i keep getting mails sent to me with perfect matches. Yes they all look nice, and appear to be nice people.
Of course they all look like perfect matches, your M is in turmoil right now and you're hurting badly!
Don't fool yourself. The reality is all these "perfect matches" are actually imperfect people who all come with their own issues. Sure, you'll overlook them for a year or two while you both are still in Limerance, but after that it’s back to reality, where only you can make you happy. In the end, people are exactly as happy as they decide to be, no matter what’s going on in their life.
Get a copy of Viktor Frankl’s book, "Man's Search for Meaning", and you’ll see what I mean.
Hang in there buddy, you can do this!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
