Hit hard still taking another step forward.

[T1000]

I was going to respond to AS last post on here but decided to just do an update instead.

Things aren't as rosy as I was led to believe. It's not all bad but it's not full advance to R.

I was hesitant about posting about recent things as I'm quite embarrassed. You guys have been my biggest supporters. If I can't talk to you guys where does that leave me.

This last week has been a confusing week. For me and for W.
I started off feeling really good about recent events. The longer the week went on the more that feeling faded. If I contacted W it felt like I was pushing too hard, if I didn't contact it felt like I didn't care.


We have emailed early on in the week about taking kids on vacation next week because I'm off work. I thought it was too much too soon and she agreed. Now I'm going there for 3 days and then coming back. It should give us some decent time to connect.

Lots of things going on in my head. What if W keeps flowers from OM? What does that mean?
If they go to the same gym how can she have no contact?

I was looking forward to seeing her on the Friday when I picked the kids up. Got there on and the flowers were in the window. Hmm.
W wasn't anyway in particular not warm not cold. No physical contact.

Over weekend we chatted on and off.
If I was asked on tuesday if I was staying over Sunday night I would have said yes. When Sunday came around I didn't have a clue, I have a bag packed in my car all the time anyway.
She messaged me Sunday afternoon.
W: Are you going to stay for a bit when you drop the kids off.
Me: Yes if I'm welcome.
W: Of course!!
Me: Of course I will then.
W: :-)

We chatted a little bit when I got there, ordered food and I picked it up.
I had been advised on the piecing forum to not mention flowers or anything like that.
I couldn't grasp any PMA at all.
The whole thing just felt so messed up and confusing I decided to bring it all up and talk. I had been wanting to all night.

Me: How do you feel about what happened on Monday?
W: I have felt weird all week. Had a knot in my stomach. Very confused about where we stand.
Me: Me too. It feels all over the place.
W: It does.
Me: Have you had any contact with OM this week?
W: Yes, I have spoke to him.
Me: On Monday you asked me where I stood. I told you I could get past OM. I told you I had 3 conditions and I had the feeling all week that you were not honouring them.

She looked confused

Me: Can you remember them at all?
W: No sorry I can't, we had a bit to drink.
Me: I had a little but I remember it as clear as day.
W: Sorry I don't.
Me: I said The first one was I would need to you to have no contact with OM.
W: I haven't contacted him at all, he asked to speak to me while I was in the gym.
Me: What did you tell him?
W: I told him I wasn't in a place where I could see anyone.
W: Tbh I don't think that would be something I would agree to. We go to the same gym, I have nothing to do with him but he is part of a circle of friends that I know at the gym. He has some classes with my sister.
Me: I had wondered how you would manage it being part of the same gym.
Me: The second one was I asked that anything you bought to wear when you were with him or anything he bought you I would need it to be gone. When I turned up on Friday the flowers he bought you had moved from the dining room to your front room window. When I saw them it really confused me.
W: OK, I can't remember you saying that either. I wondered why you had been so quiet tonight like something was really bothering you. I wish you would open up a bit sooner and talk to me. You need to talk when things are on your mind, not bottle it all up. I drunk a fair bit on Monday, I remember us having an amazing day and some highlights. I have found this week hard because after such an amazing day down I came crashing back down to earth because you still live 1.5 hours away and we are here without you.

I want you to move here so you can we can give this a good shot. I cant see it working with you living there.

I then had to bring up the 3rd one which was her getting an STI check. Same answer, she is clean. She was disappointed in me asking. I told her considering what happened to the first 2 stipulations I was well within my rights to ask again.

We chatted more about things.
Said her M mentioned that I should have told her about the counseling. It might have been different If she knew I was getting professional help. (don't quite believe this one)
She had asked her M if she thinks people can change, her M said she didn't used to believe they could until her H (W's SF) had heart attack and it's plain to see that he as changed dramatically for the better.
She is worried we will go down the same route we did in September, I said I understand. In September I was a different person but my changes hadn't stuck, my plan is to make them stick this time.
She said she would love me to stay over but she doesn't want us getting into habits just because we can. She wants it to happen naturally. Doesn't want to force anything. She asked what is the rush? If we take our time and something great happens between us then great.

Chatted more about next week.

I left at about 21:00. I was I was leaving she walked up to me. She made a light hearted joke about me taking a long time to open up.
I said jokingly "How do you want to do this" she said "I would like a hug and I will let you peck me on the cheek" I said you can have a hug and I will raise you a 1.5 second kiss on the lips" She said I'm going to count. We hugged for ages, she was well into it. I broke it off, kissed for quite a while then I left.

5 mins later:
W: I like it when we talk.
Me: Me too, I feel like we could talk for hours.
W: You just take a while to warm up.
Me: Something to work on.
W: :-) thumbs up

45 mins later, sends me a pic of her legs in the bath, then another one and another one. I actually pulled the car over to initiate a little. Sent me even more mind blowing pics. They weren't dirty, but very 'Maxim'.

This morning, I asked her something and we got chatting, told me about a squat challenge she is doing, I made a few light hearted jokes about her ass and I got another nice pic.

Chatted a bit later about random stuff.



So do I stand my ground about OM stuff or not there yet?
If I don't then it's fine? If I do I could push her away because she's not quite there yet?

I want something more concrete before I go moving house.

Even though she is adamant I need to live there I'm hoping over the next few weeks/months I will have more of an idea on where things are.

Hope this post makes sense. Theres only so many times I can read it through before non of it makes sense anymore.