The one thing I am grateful for after BD is that she backslid on me leaving ASAP. I know, I know...detach. But I am still grappling with the whole idea of walking away completely.
At least with me in the house...she can see the changes. Since apparently the deal breaker was me using chewing tobacco. I asked her how the hell am I going to prove I stopped? Drinking was easy. If I drank...everyone knew it. Drunk is easily spotted. But the dip is a lot harder.
It is hard...but I do leave her be, and have stopped going into the bedroom, and/or following her around. I dont even ask where she has been when she comes home late...even though 2 minutes before she walks through the door I am an emotional wreck wondering where she is.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Wow Spartan when I just read this it was a complete reflection of my sitch. My W has become distant lately because of supposebly something I said 8 weeks ago that gave her emotional trigger of our past relationship. 4 solid months and I am back to ground zero with her. Same thing. Bat s hi t crazy. My W also does not apologize and blames me for everything.
Not being readily available is tough while living under the same roof. I have increased GAL and it does help.
As I said, I have nothing but admiration for you all living together. The space for H and I had was invaluable and still is. He wants to see me and talk with me, but is still able to grow on his own. I do not think our marriage would have survived ( technically speaking) if he stayed.
Yeah staying in the same house is very difficult at times. After kids go to sleep there's rarely a word spoken anymore which is just not who I am but who I have to be right now...
Journaling:
So after mediation last week I've really tried to go as dim as possible to help me detach and not get sucked back into the hurt roller coaster. (I bought a ticket yesterday for one more ride but more on that later...) Also because nothing I say makes a bit of difference anyway and I'm not strong enough to be 'just friends' and not allow myself to get hurt. Truth be told I have no interest in being just friends and have been very clear on that with her.
I've also tried to implement the 5-5-2 parenting schedule as much as possible meaning I would be less available/ scarce on days that would normally be hers so she'd get a feel of what real life will be like. It's been a little harder then I thought mainly due to W not being responsible (i.e. last Thurs she was supposed to pick up D7 but texted me saying she couldn't get D7 from swimming. I had to leave what I was doing to pick her up since she was 'still at work' which was almost an hour away and D7 was supposed to be picked up in 30 min...). No way I could just leave her there
Monday I was playing with kids and D7 grabbed W's phone to look at photos. Later W was helping S5 shower and her phone was in bathroom. D7 snuck it out to "put a funny picture on the phone for mom". She brought phone to me and asked if she could change screens. Without thinking I looked at it and BAM!!! She was in the middle of texting OM. It gets better, not just most recent OM but OM from over 8 years ago that almost caused us to D back then. It's a phone number that will always be ingrained in my head. I didn't read it and just hit menu and let D7 take her photo. I haven't spoken a single word to W since (she texted twice yesterday and called once and lingered after talking with kids, I just hung up phone).
I won't lie, yesterday was a very rough day for me. My head was spinning most the day. Thoughts of: Has it been going on the entire time? Has my whole life/ family been covered in lies? Looking at photos on the wall with W and they're all tattoo'd black (Black was one of favorite Pearl Jam songs before BD but now has so much more meaning...).
I so wanted to confront her but I was convinced by a good friend that there is no point. The only consistent thing she's done for years, not just since BD, is to not give a crap about me, our M, our family, or anything I have to say. If I start that conversation the only outcome will be more hurt. I also was reminded by a few people that I'm allowing myself to feel this hurt and was "gently" reminded that I needed to get the F off the roller coaster. The ONLY person that controls my emotions is me and while I don't have to like them they don't have to control my day(s). Easier said then done some days but I got the message.
After few talks yesterday and some timely texts during the evening I have my head back on straight and feel normal again. Last night I looked at photos with kids and remembered those good memories. No matter what W has done or is doing I know who I am, who I was, and she can't take that from me. As people say on here all the time, we find things out when we need to and when we're ready. While the truth can hurt it was a reminder that I needed for what reality is, not what I want it to be. It's just one more step in helping me detach from her and move on with my life.
Today I plan to finally map out, in writing, what my goals are for moving on. Feel I need this plan to reduce some of the fear of life without W that I've been secretly holding on to in the back of my head.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
When we are in this situation, our minds will always fill in the worst possible interpretation of what we learn, as often we only get a little bit of info and write a book around it in our heads.
While it is possible that W has been in contact with old OM for the last 8 years, it's more likely that she is scared facing legal separation and seeking to line up "insurance" that people will be there to comfort her when she needs it. Therefore, it's likely that she's using this guy to be her backburner insurance plan versus truly caring for him right now.
The point is, don't torture yourself with could have beens. If she was unfaithful for 8 years you would have sensed it and known it in your heart at the time.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
