Grizz, have you read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough? There's an example "speech" in there that would make a good template for your letter. There's nothing wrong with apologizing, but at the same time you want to present a strong, confident you in the letter too. I think your letter is coming off as a bit clingy/ needy. I'll try to provide a few pointers:
Originally Posted By: Grizz
W, I am not sure how to even begin. I guess to say that I am sorry. Sorry for the hurt that you have experienced. Sorry for the decisions that you have had to make. Sorry for not living up to what I should have been.
I'm not sure the apologizing will have much impact on her because it's very vague as to what you're apologizing for. It's pretty generic. She's likely to think "he still doesn't get it" because you're not apologizing for specific behavior. Take what she's told you and apologize for that, thank her for telling you and tell her what you're doing to change it.
Quote:
I have had so much to say to you over the past several months but I have not mentioned anything because I knew that you probably didn’t want to hear it. Well, how can it get any worse than where we are right now?
It's likely that she really didn't want to hear it, so I'd just strike a statement like this.
Quote:
I love you. I haven’t said that in a long time. I haven’t said it because I thought that you didn’t want to hear it. I am sure you know this but I just needed to tell you. I stopped kissing you goodbye for the same reason. My feelings for you have never changed only my actions. I can’t describe to you or to anyone the hurt that I feel being where we are.
Dobson's example includes an "ILY" statement, but it's along the lines of letting the spouse know that you are lovingly releasing them.
Quote:
You were and are my life
DO NOT say that or anything like it! That's one line that could send her running for the hills like her hair is on fire, LOL! She was not originally attracted to you because you wanted to make her your whole life, she was probably attracted to you because you were strong and independent and were perfectly happy with your life whether she was in it or not. THAT is what you need to project to her now.
Quote:
I don’t know why I am a jealous person. Which leads to the controlling behavior that you mentioned.
This is an example of what you could apologize specifically for. "You've told me that I've been jealous and controlling in our R. I didn't realize the damage this was causing to our M, but I can see now how much pain it caused you and I am sorry I made you feel that way. I am committed to changing my behavior and I thank you for letting me know about this, I'm sure it was difficult for you to discuss it."
Quote:
I have always lived with a fear of losing you. Definitely an irrational fear but a fear nonetheless.
Apparently it was not irrational because you are losing her.
Quote:
I cannot/could not comprehend you needing space. I took it personally. It hurt. That hurt was projected as fear and anger. When I get angry I shut down. I bury it and hope, after a while, the hurt goes away and then I come back.When you said you needed a break from “everything” that scared me. From that point forward, I didn’t know how to act. Every word, every action that I made I thought about it in my head. I thought how you would respond. I tried to read your every emotion and read your mind as to your feelings. I have walked on eggshells for a long time not knowing how to act. Which has led to me not being me.
Remember, if you're going to write her a letter it is the same concept as if you're listening/ validating to her. It's about HER wants/ needs/ complaints/ hurts, not YOURS. It is about validating her feelings, not explaining/ rationalizing your behavior.
Quote:
I absolutely hate where we are. Neither one of us wanted or expected to be here. You are leaving in a few weeks. You know that I would prefer you to stay and work on us. However, if you feel like the only way that you will find happiness is to leave, then I understand. I hope you find what you are looking for. I love you.
That last part is getting closer to Dobson's example. I may have posted this in one of your threads before but my talk with W went something like "I want you to stay here and work on the M with me, but above all I want you to be happy and if you feel that leaving is what will make you happy then I support your decision and will do what I can to help you." The way Dobson puts it is you're opening the cage door. It's still their decision on whether to leave the cage or not, but as the LBS you need to let them know the door is open and you're not standing in their way. You're not telling them to go or stay, you're just stating that you are supporting them regardless of what their decision is.
