I really think that we can make it, Girl

[ForeverYoung]

I thought this song was somewhat fitting for many of us dealing with a spouse in MLC. I think Jewel's vocals on this are amazing. You can listen to a live version of it on uTube. Listening to songs of pain can sometimes help us work through our feelings... as long as we don't allow ourselves to get stuck there. Bust On!

Grey Matter by Jewel

I hate you, I love you
Leave, please
Don't go away
Can't decide if
I like your face
Or if I wish
It would stray
You're a child but
You're malicious
You're sweet but
Don't remember my name
And heads you win
And tails I'm lost
And love equals pain

I am drifting
Without an anchor
Through your ambigous region
A strange continent
Immune to all reason
And I'm flattered by
Your grey matter

Inside my skin
I feel your tongue
Telling me I'm dirty
And licking my bones
A scrape against silence
A knife across a plate
Makes the sound
Of need on hate

I am drifting
Without an anchor
Through your ambigous region
A strange continent
Immune to all reason
And I'm flattered by
Your grey matter
And I do not understand
Why a woman can't
Just love a man

You're amusing
You're a real cool show
With your meat hooks
And barbed wire carnival
You got gold dust in your pocket
You got moth holes in your soul
From too many false teeth
And greasy flash bulbs

I am drifting
Without an anchor
Through your ambigous region
A strange continent
Immune to all reason
And I'm flattered by
Your grey matter

I love you
I hate you

[ForeverYoung]

Man is not fully conditioned and determined but rather determines himself whether he gives in to conditions or stands up to them. In other words, man is ultimately self-determining. Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become in the next moment. By the same token, every human being has the freedom to change at any instant. Therefore, we can predict his future only within the large framework of a statistical survey referring to a whole group; the individual personality, however, remains essentially unpredictable -Viktor Frankl

[reachingHigher]

What does that quote mean to you, FY?

I was thinking about your sitch the other day and here it seems like we always advise "standing, standing and more standing". My own H was the one to request the D and it did give me the perfect opportunity to show him what his life would be like with out me.

He even put on his list of "pros" for returning, that all his "stuff" would be his-- we wouldn't have to divide and sell, etc. I can see with him returning back home that connecting with previous hobbies, habits, etc, has been an important part of the journey.

I don't know what that means to you, but I wanted to share it and know that here we are behind you every step of the way, no matter what choices you make--you have the "freedom to change at any instant". Yes, indeed.

[ForeverYoung]

What does that quote mean to you, FY?

That we all got a raw deal and have to just suck it up and make the best of it.

I was thinking about your sitch the other day and here it seems like we always advise "standing, standing and more standing". My own H was the one to request the D and it did give me the perfect opportunity to show him what his life would be like with out me.

Thanks for thinking of me! More to come...

"The Talk"?

[ForeverYoung]

My own H was the one to request the D and it did give me the perfect opportunity to show him what his life would be like with out me.

It's been mentioned many times that some MLC'ers just need to "see it through". See what's out there and give it a shot. How can I tell if my W is one of 'em?

Cause if she is, I plan to gently suggest she get on with it already.

On the other hand, If I could see there was a decent chance of things turning around without her running off, I could more easily wait this out while she is here, and acting cool to me. How can I find out if she is softening up? You know, without waiting forever.

It's difficult to see any progress, when you're in the middle of it all and things move so slowly. (or not at all?) What is she doing indeed!

He even put on his list of "pros" for returning, that all his "stuff" would be his-- we wouldn't have to divide and sell, etc.

W: (many months ago) "One thing for sure, everyone needs shelter and food."

M: "Yay! You're still here because I help supply a nice home and good meals!" Yippie me! (dramatization, may not have been actually vocalized)

we are behind you every step of the way, no matter what choices you make

Thanks so much RH, your help means a lot to me.

Everyone: So how best to figure out where she is regarding all this? Even if she's not sure herself, she's got to have some thoughts in her head. We get along well, she's content to stay here, and is not blaming me for anything. I'm considering just coming out and asking her. Thoughts?

[ForeverYoung]

I made an appointment to talk with my coach on Monday. Hopefully I can last until then without blowing it or blowing up. Lord knows I want to.

No one can suck it up forever. Her treatment is too disrespectful, I will not put up with it. The longer I hold it in, the less I care what happens.

[Portia]

Hey FY,

You were kind enough to visit my thread, so howdy on yours.

Soooo, you are thinking of poking the Bear, huh?

If you could wait until after you speak to your coach, that would be best. Breathe in and breathe out.

Because if you push too fast or too hard, you may not get what you want or get a reaction that you are quite unprepared for. At least giving it until Monday will help you prepare as best you can if you decided to initiate what is essentially an R talk. I speak from experience. Had an anxiety attack and ended up in a R talk with my partner - and have not heard from him since. That was six weeks ago, after having semi-regular contact before then.

When you get impatient, just think of my cautionary tale. I absolutely get that this cannot go on forever but you can give it until Monday, right?

Good Luck!!

[uRworthy]

Hey FY, how are you doing?

I can totally understand you feeling the way you do. So hard when you are living with them and it seems like they are cake eating.

I do hope you can hold out til Monday because it is never a good idea to make a decision when your emotions are running high.

I feel for you, sweetie. And you have been amazing throughout.

On the one hand, I am thinking doing something different might be warranted. On the other, it might be what makes her run.

Tough one to call and I cant figure her out.

I feel for you, sweetie. You have been incredibly patient.

You are an amazing man, FY.

We are here for you no matter which way you go.

Hang in there.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi everybody!

Thanks for the check in, Portia and UR.

I’m doing fine, just really frustrated with it all. When she was away on her trip I put a lot of effort into the car search thing, only to receive zero appreciation and coldness, with a touch of ridicule for the car I brought home. She’s in a bad place right now but I know it’s not my fault, so I won’t take it personally.

I also know I’ll be fine no matter what happens.

I recently found out that the bump on the head she sustained while on vacation was worse than she first realized. She now tells me she was feeling dizzy and out of it every morning. Refused to go for examination. I’m pretty sure she’ll be ok now, (it’s been 9 days since the incident) but I will continue to watch closely. She says she’s just now starting to feel like her normal MLC self. (I may have added the MLC part )

I wonder what else happened when she was out cold. Ugh.

She seems to be warming up a bit. (again) Maybe the head injury really messed her up. Maybe just coming back home to reality distressed her. Maybe she can sense I’m considering giving her the Reality Talk… maybe she’s reading this thread! I do believe she doesn’t want to lose me.

Of course the plan is to hold off until Monday when I talk to my DB coach, and then hopfully even until our anniversary trip at the end of June. If it comes to it, I’m leaning towards a Reality Letter. That way I can have everything I want to say polished and perfected, and she can have it to look over again and again.

It doesn’t escape me that many times the MLC’er only woke up after the LBS totally gave up, or issued the Reality Check.

Thanks all, and Bust On!

[Raine]

You crack me up! I like your sense of humor in your posts. Keeps us all a bit more on the sane side if we can still laugh and smile.

I would recommend writing the letter and reading it over and over, so you know what you want to say, but don't give it to her. Tell her. I think the problem with written word is you can never gage how a person is reacting to what you say. If you tell her something and she screws her face up, you can explain it in a different way. A letter is permenant. And things change. Feelings change, but that letter will always be the same and you may not want her going back to it over and over again in the future.

I think far more important than saying things is showing it. So after you talk to her, when you do, live what you've said.

Keep going!