That's exactly what I did. She has no pw on phone, I know all her logins email,FB, and the like. Not saying she's not cheating anyone is capable, but it just hasn't presented itself. My grandfather gave me valuable advice a few years back... He said "you can love someone and be there for them, but you must remember you don't own them." I'm really trying hard to keep that in mind because its very true. But its tough to accept that she could be having an A and I always said it was a deal breaker for me.
I know its a process right now so just taking it hour by hour.
And the thing that hurts the most is to know I hurt her SO bad... And I love her very deeply. I think chief amongst my pain is that.
Fully agree with you completelylost.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
So tonight ill be getting home after wife. I know she's going to ask where I've been. How do I respond. My hurt side wants to say don't worry about it. But I'm not trying alienate. So what my response? Just out it say where I was. She text me earlier and I didn't respond right away so after 20mon past she callede to tell me she was going somewhere for awhile and wanted to make sure I got her message. I just responded ok told her ill ttyl.
Why does she call me? I honestly feel better when there is no contact. Am I off?
Absolutely not. Just not sitting home waiting around for her to get home. But I'm not sure that qualifies as a 180. I'm tryn to follow the 'rules' but sometimes I don't know how to respond. I'm all in for this marriage. I just don't want her thinking I'm sitting around pouting.
It might help to change the story you tell yourself about her and your response to her. How would it look and feel if instead of humoring her you listened and validated her concerns? I bet that dynamic is part of what she meant by you treating her like a kid. I mean, I humor my 11 month old niece...
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
I understand your thought process I do. Maybe I could have chosen a better verb than that. However, I make no apologies for 'my' feelings either. I felt as though given the recent climate of our relationship the rollercoaster I'm on at that point in time her questioning about where I was and who I was with really didn't sit well with me at that time. So hence the 'humor' her came into play. I'm not perfect I've more than accepted my faults. As far as the comment about treating her like a kid that's because I always, always check on her. For instance we were in Paris and she was walking close to the street I grabbed her arm gently and out her on the inside of the street and me closer to the street. Well she didn't like that I was "being too protective". Well if you've been to Paris you know they drive like maniacs. I'm a southerner and I was raised that way.
What I'm learning is that's not what she likes. It's not her "love language" she likes to feel independent and the way I was brought up was very traditional. So I'm learning to back off.
I'm not sure you are hearing what I'm saying. It's not about the verb-- it's about the attitude.
It's not about being perfect - it's about listening to her and others with respect instead of immediately going on the defensive and excusing yourself.
This is something I struggle with myself which is why I brought it up to you.
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
So it's here moving day. We are no better today than we were a few weeks ago. I've had great days and i've had bad days. Yesterday was a total meltdown. Mother's Day: No mom to call and couple that with the fact my marriage is evaporatiing right before my eyes. We had a big fight yesterday, I actually tried to leave before the fight, but I couldn't resist the destructive dialog. So needless to say i'm tired, broken and dismantled. She means the world to me yet there's nothing I can do to help her see that. She said she's about 99.9% sure she's done.
So having said that i'm moving forward, i'm letting go and just going to make the most of my life. I'm sure there will be days where I feel extreme pain and sorrow but I know what has been happening can happen no more. Thank you guys for all the help, kind words, and words of rebuke. I know through this process i'm becoming a better me. I will still be around here to write. I just feel I need to take a step back all together because this grief is debilitating and i'm a father, so that's not an option for me!
