No longer treading water, must either sink or swim

[Grizz]

OK. Here come the 2x4's. I am thinking very seriously about giving this letter to W. I have never really told her my thoughts. Even after BD, I didn't really get into the begging and pleading. Looking back, I must have been as confusing to her as she was to me. I have not been the same person since BD and this letter states that. Among many other things. So here goes:

W, I am not sure how to even begin. I guess to say that I am sorry. Sorry for the hurt that you have experienced. Sorry for the decisions that you have had to make. Sorry for not living up to what I should have been. I have had so much to say to you over the past several months but I have not mentioned anything because I knew that you probably didn’t want to hear it. Well, how can it get any worse than where we are right now?

I love you. I haven’t said that in a long time. I haven’t said it because I thought that you didn’t want to hear it. I am sure you know this but I just needed to tell you. I stopped kissing you goodbye for the same reason. My feelings for you have never changed only my actions. I can’t describe to you or to anyone the hurt that I feel being where we are. You were and are my life.

I have tried to listen carefully to what you have said over the past several months about why your feelings have changed. I don’t know why I am a jealous person. Which leads to the controlling behavior that you mentioned. I have always lived with a fear of losing you. Definitely an irrational fear but a fear nonetheless.

I cannot/could not comprehend you needing space. I took it personally. It hurt. That hurt was projected as fear and anger. When I get angry I shut down. I bury it and hope, after a while, the hurt goes away and then I come back. When you said you needed a break from “everything” that scared me. From that point forward, I didn’t know how to act. Every word, every action that I made I thought about it in my head. I thought how you would respond. I tried to read your every emotion and read your mind as to your feelings. I have walked on eggshells for a long time not knowing how to act. Which has led to me not being me.

I absolutely hate where we are. Neither one of us wanted or expected to be here. You are leaving in a few weeks. You know that I would prefer you to stay and work on us. However, if you feel like the only way that you will find happiness is to leave, then I understand. I hope you find what you are looking for. I love you.