Not confused...trying to keep hope alive!!!

[BRNR]

To all the moms...I hope you had a nice Mother's Day.

Mine started off good and almost ended good. I wish I had read some of these post before I had another heartfelt convo with my boys....

My hope is gone. It has been dying slowly and I have said as much on these threads. H called the boys tonight and upset S9. ...and not only did it really make me drop the rope, but I think I lit the rope on fire...

S9 was upset after he got off the phone and downright angry and mean. I tried to ask what was going on....which led to a family meeting. S9 of course asked H to come home and H said no, that he will never come home. He was crying, and as usually I cried too. s9 said that H keeps saying "me and your mother have problems". I lost it. I finally told the boys that I am tired of H saying this and at the end of the day if we are having problems I don't know what they are and that from my perspective H is the one with problems. I know, shouldn't have done that. There is more. I told them that H has made choices and his choice is not to be here anymore and that even if h wanted to come home I didn't want him to, because husbands don't treat wives the way H has treated me. Because H has been mean and has hurt me very much without apologizing that I would not want him to come home and that me and them (the boys) needed to live our lives to its fullest without H because that is the reality. That we would have a good life no matter what, and that whatever they decided for them (ie where they want to live and with whom) they could, because they were entitled to thier feelings. I also explained to them that H has made choices that affect all of us, but at the end of the day I have been the same mom and that H has changed. I also explained to them that I want them to grow up and have healthy relationships in the future, and not have a relationship that H and I have right now. I also explained to them that H has hurt me very badly as well as them, and for me, I could never get over it.

I feel horrible...I want to fix this with my kids. My s9 was crying more and didn't want to hear anymore. I don't blame him. I wasn't mean towards H, but I know to him I probably sounded a lot like H saying never.

How do I fix this with my kids, how do I fix this. I guess the top exploded off the bottle with me tonight. I am tired of seeing s9 in so much pain, and I really just want the three of us to move on with our lives and be happy.

H cannot make us happy...he is in destructive mode, and things are beyond repair with him and I.

I wish I just kept my mouth shut. I believe I have ruined everything in my children's eyes...but we need closure and H needs to move on and let his family heal and move forward.

I know I said more, but all the same. This is our life, we need to live it. I finally told the kids that I don't want to talk about h anymore and that if one of us needed to we would have to agree on a time to talk as a family.

What do I do...I am feeling like such a pos mom right now....I let my anger get the best of me...and on all days....Mother's Day!