I backslid yesterday in a big big way. I had a sleepless night on Friday night worrying over finances and basically the notion that I can't afford this house, or a new one...and all I've worked for in my life...which was focused on my family was gone...this combined with only 3 hours of sleep, then having to pay close to $1000.00 to repair the car I got left with by the W made the "perfect storm" emotionally for me to lose my focus and any positives nag came from Thursday and Friday.
In the morning I had very direct conversation with W about how my life was now personally and financially ruined...everything WE had worked for, WE had thrown away... She just put up the wall...again.
Then in the afternoon, after the car, which was supposed to be a $100.00 appointment, I lost my focus again. I went over to talk to her at her new place. While very calm this time, after 5 minutes about the car, it became an hour long conversation about how she says she is still uncertain about what she wants from life, etc...and me saying, but you gave up on us, the only certainty in life was I loved you unconditionally, you say you were physically, mentally exhausted and your mind was a fog and still kind of is, and you made that decision based on that. She responded saying the only decision in the last year she knows was right was to leave.
We then got into how we overcame such a challenge with the cancer and we both felt so positive, and we gave up.... Andin my heart I feel we could have fixed it and been happier and stronger. She said she thought she could deal with it allow her own and would "get over" the hurt, tiredness, etc.
She then told me that she doesn't want to be married, to me, and probably never to anyone ever again when she thinks about it.
She then talked about not knowing what the future holds, and if we end up friends she is okay with that, and if we end up back together she would be happy too, because it would be meant to be. She reiterated that she doesn't have reconciliations a goal right now, that she needs to find herself. I said I had been thinking about that, and if/when she wants to go to therapy, we shouldn't go with a goal of that, that is too much pressure on both of us. That we should do what we agreed before, start with why/how we got so broken, work on communication and we would both know as we went thru/down that road if there was ever going to be "anything" there again. She agreed, and said she wants to go after she gets back from a trip she is going on for a week.
I told her that there would be no more pressure from me, I would live my life, and I wanted her to be happy in hers. She asked what I wanted from her. I told her I wasn't sure anymore, I want her to be happy, and I guess to talk to me when she wants, and to keep her eyes open to me. She said, i can see changes, but, it doesn't change anything that has been decided...and if you're really meaning it, the changes and better you, then show me...don't talk, show me.
So, once again, I killed my own progress. We did however have swim lessons with D this morning and spent close to 2 hours together and no relationship talk. So, I take that as a small victory.
My brother told me last night to print off a calendar,put it on the fridge, and go day by day, for a month not pressuring her to reconcile, to talk about us, or anything, to keep it light, friendly, only about D or finances if needed, and let her go to live her life. If I loved her, I have to do that, and that is the only road home if there is one..she has to get over the hurt, to process it, and to liveliest without me, and maybe start to miss me more and see my changes... He said that's the only chance...
he said falling off the wagon every day is pressuring and confusing her. He described it like this, "Imagine if she said, let's get back together, then 2 days After said, I changed my mind. The 2 days later said, let's get back together..." you wouldn't believe her after awhile. He said THAT is how she feels about you...on Thursday she sees you validating her feelings and not pushing too too much, then 2 days later right back to pressuring.
C, backslides happen. The thing of it is, you keep saying the same things expecting different results. You know how I know:
Originally Posted By: ChrisN
She said, i can see changes, but, it doesn't change anything that has been decided...and if you're really meaning it, the changes and better you, then show me...don't talk, show me.
She is telling you VERY clearly what she needs. You just arent hearing it. Hear it, Chris.
Chris, Let me tell you what I am learning and see if it fits with you at all.
I am learning that if I try to be different, if I try to do the right things, if I try to become the man my W wants and needs, all I am doing it trying to change for her.
I am learning that I have to let go. That I have to detach from my W. That I have to, in my mind become a single person.
I am learning that I have to stop and look at who I am and decide who I want to be for me, not for my W.
I am learning that I have to become healthy for me and me alone, regardless of anything else.
Am I there, no I am not, but I am on that road.
If I continue to keep my marriage and W on the burner, even the back burning, I will not succeed. I will fall back into the old me and not be able to change.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and it [censored]. I am going on the vets words that I will be better down the road if I do this, because I sure don't see it now.
I am terrified of some many things, yet I have to do this or I will remain the same broken person that I have been for so long.
To be honest I am trying to look at my W as a friend, not even a close friend, just a friend and it kills me, but I am so codependent on her and she me that breaking our connection is the only way I can change, truly change.
I think I can't do this multiple times each day and every time I think that, I say yes you can, you have to.
We can not do this for our W or marriage, we have to do this for ourselves and let me tell you I totally get that it is hard and scary.
We can do this Have a great day!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Agree with lovethehub, great words jp, they are going in my file also.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Let's try this again brother. Make shire you do not communicat with her until she reaches out to you
Read sandys 37 rules again
No more guilt trips
Are you currently seeing a therapist? You need to be at the top of your game for this my friend? You need to be a rock star for D
Build yourself a support team- this will take time, get a therapist for you and if you have a dr. Make a appointment for a checkup and let him know what's going on. If your like most men you haven't seen one for a while so this is very important.
Making these appointments soon will be frustrating and a pia.... Make this your first goal this week if you don't already have your pro support team in place
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Hey JP - all of that fits with me... Like you were talking to and about me. After my wife left, I came to quickly realize that there were things I needed to change. Things I did and didn't do that affected the marriage, but also me. Yet, the trigger for this was her leaving. Not me seeing it, now I guess that is how change triggers at times, almost like an intervention. Since, I've been trying to show, talk and prove to my wife that I'm changing. I think you and everyone are right, I need todo change for myself, first and foremost.
PS - I'm talking to a therapist, have been since she left. Also been to the Doctor, and am on some AD, which I'm sure are helping.
Today is another one of those days though. I miss her so badly. I know in my heart that the things she had issues and hurt with and from could be fixed. But she just doesn't see or believe that. She feels it is too broken, that if she felt it could have been fixed she would have stayed.
It hurt so badly on the weekend when she said she didn't want to be married to me, and most likely never married ever again. It also hurt so much to her her say that after she went back to work and things backslid that it hurt her even more because she knew how it could be...and that she knew I was trying, but, in the wrong areas... I keep asking myself, why didn't she say something? I asked her if she thought it would never change, the age old saying, you know. She said no, I knew it could, but was too hurt and tired by the end, and leading up to it thought I could just deal with it and we'd get through it. This all kills me so much. The six months prior were some of the best we'd had, even during sickness... And within months after that she decides she has to leave, and it can't be fixed...that she doesn't know who she is or what she wants.
I'm so confused, I am going to try to step out of her way and let her live her life...but it is killing me! I feel like I can't summon the strength to live without her (I don't mean anything drastic, don't think that!) but, that she is my soul mate and best friend, and she is gone.
She has said that she wants to go to counseling when she is back from her trip to see her parents with our D. I hope that she has a good time, is able to relax and collect some thoughts and perspective. Perhaps her Mom and family may help her gain some clarity on her hurt and the marriage, life, etc. I just still worry that counseling will not result in the positives I want...I know that's selfish, but it's how I feel.
I keep thinking of her saying on Saturday, when she asked what I wanted from her...besides reconciling. I said, I just want you to be open, to talk honestly to me and together, to watch and listen to me for changes, for me to become the man and husband you needed and deserved. She looked at me and said I will, but show me, don't always tell me. I see change, along with talking, but show me.
Man, this is all so hard, and I can relate to her now when she says she doesnt know who she is anymore, cause I don't know who I am anymore.
Chris, As ACC said this isn't working for you. I think everyone is telling you the same thing. This $ucks but you have to let her go and let her come to you. It's starting to feel like Groundhogs day buddy and I feel the ups and downs and the hurt. Every time it's you driving these conversations and getting the same answers. You don't have to put yourself through that. So...
Originally Posted By: ChrisN
I don't know who I am anymore.
This is where you need to be concentrating your time. Your W does not define you. Who do you want to be? How are you going to get there?
GAL activities, need to find some STAT
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
