Suckerpunch down to the wire

[swoop]

I definitely wasn't trying to use it to spy on her. I have now realized that I am MUCH happier not knowing what she is up to. I don't even inquire when the opertunity is easy.

Perhaps it was a small amount of devaluing of her time, but not like I meant her time was not important therefore she could take daugter. It was more along the lines of, "I am trying not to care what she does".


Journaling:

Yesterday, daughter and I worked until almost dark out in the yard. We have everything spruced up, manicured and trimmed. We even spent some time doing some container planting with anuals. Our home looks GREAT! Therefore, we are inviting over a bunch of new faces to help trash the place, several of which are also going through separations or recently divorced. We will have a movie night for the kids and BBQ and coctails for the adults. Bound to be good times.

A strange conversation with W this morning. I am not sure entirely how to take it. She phoned, upbeat saying," Hi how are you doing". Then she proceeded to ask about our joint vehicle insurance policy. It is coming up for renewal and she thought, being a newly licensed agent, she would price shop it. Here is the thing, she wishes to keep it a joint policy due to the price being so much lower. I have mixed feelings. First, is she being nice and cheery just because she wants to keep the lower insurance cost? Secondly, should I allow it to continue even though she is wishing to be completely separated from my in all other regards? Yesterday she asked me to visit her bank and sign off on her vehicle because she secured financing and wanted to get my name off of it. Originally I cosigned to get a better interest rate. To be honest, I am almost surprised she was able to secure a loan. I am REALLY tempted to take her off the insurance policy all together because THIS feels like doormatting.

[AnotherStander]

First, is she being nice and cheery just because she wants to keep the lower insurance cost?

It doesn't matter why, just be thankful she is being that way and enjoy it while it's there

Secondly, should I allow it to continue even though she is wishing to be completely separated from my in all other regards?

W and I have separated everything except the insurance for the same reason, it's cheaper to have it jointly. We'll have to split it after D, but we'll probably leave it this way until then. Right now W is paying it and then I cut her a monthly check for half of it.

[labug]

Just a thought, notice how you jump to the negative with something that's not a life changer,

I am REALLY tempted to take her off the insurance policy all together because THIS feels like doormatting.

Next time you do that, just stop and don't say or do anything for 24 hours. During that time you think about what she's doing as doormatting, challenge yourself to think what else it might be. Your first thought about something doesn't make it true, especially for someone who reacts so strongly to perceived threats.

Do this for you and your daughter.

[labug]

*jump to the negative with events, even those that aren't life changers*

*when you think*

jeesh...

[25yearsmlc]

geez SP.....

so an idea that benefits her (AND YOU) b/c it's cheaper (for both!)...is wrong b/c then you are a doormat??

B/c it helps her too? Sure, no anger there...

And if helps her but does you no harm, don't you see that as a good thing?

Doormats do things that HURT THEM...

you're just not wanting to help HER and that my friend,

is an angry thing to do

[SFC_Swede]

I would have to agree with them SP. You are better than that

[swoop]

Well, I didn't react nor did I say anything. It was just a feeling I had that I expressed here. I understand, and you're all right. I shouldn't have negative feelings about something that doesn't drastically effect me simply because it benefits her. I am angry. I admit that. I hate that she chooses to move on ans start a new life....but not let go of certain things that benefit her. That does anger me. I need to change my perspective on that. I honestly feel I am getting better. I didn't act out from my feelings. I just expressed them here.

Today, W texted me asking if she could spend mothers day with D. I agreed whole heartedly and said by all means. She asked what time I wanted D home and I said it was her day and she should spend it for however long she likes. Just bring D by whenever she chose to end her day. She then replied with another text demanding that I revise my settlement terms by the end of the week. She says she has given me plenty of time. I really tried to bite my tongue, but ultimately told her that I would be willing to include my retirement, half of our belongings and apropriate child support, not a penny more. She feels that is unreasonable because she was simply asking for a small amount.....40 grand. She said that I should incur the cost of having the house appraised so she could prove to me that there is equity.....that seems pretty unreasonable to me. I expressed that in the nicest terms I could. She responded by saying "You have until Friday!".....I discontinued the text conversations at that point.....More roller coaster riding I guess!

[25yearsmlc]

to be clear,

is she saying INSTEAD of getting half, she just wants $40k, or in addition to,

and if it's in addition to, is it b/c she believes there is equity? Which would mean it's still half, in her eyes, of total assets?

And YOU DON'T think there's equity?

So pay the few hundred bucks and if you are right, you'll save yourself (and maybe her OMG!!) a lot of heartache AND MONEY

by making it a moot point. Either there is equity or there isn't.

She's cash strapped and you know it. If there is no equity then MAYBE you can deduct the few bucks you spent on proving it, from her meager share of your marital assets.

But if you think she's not going to get half of whatever there is,

(apart from inheritance or what you brought into the marriage IF IT was never commingled with marital assets)

then you're not being realistic.

[25yearsmlc]

anger is at its' worst when it clouds reality and or

makes us say or do things we regret.

Watch yourself here. Don't do/say things you will regret to appease your temper today.

Years from now, don't you want to KNOW

you were a man of honor and dignity?

[swoop]

to be clear,

is she saying INSTEAD of getting half, she just wants $40k, or in addition to

She is saying she simply wants a check for 40k. Then, she wants another check for $1,000 every summer so she has extra money to play with daughter. She is also asking for $300 a month in child support (Keep in mind we have 50/50 parenting plan). On top of all that, she would like half of our personal belongings and half of my retirement. She wishes for me to pay for all of Daughters medical and dental expenses, and she demands that I put a roof over her head and pay her utilities until the divorce and settlement are finalized. Seems resonable, right? Afterall, we were making roughly the same anual income. [quote]

is it b/c she believes there is equity? Which would mean it's still half, in her eyes, of total assets?

Yes, I believe she feels there is equity because of the fact that I built the home myself. Granted, we are into the house cheaper than we would have been to pay a contractor to build it. However, we also built during the peak of real estate in our area. Values dropped dramatically and have not yet returned to where they were. How on Earth she comes up with a theoretical 80 grand worth of equity amazes me. She is WAAAAAAY off base. [quote]

And YOU DON'T think there's equity?

I have not had the house appraised. However, I did have a real estate agent come through, one of the top rated agents in the area. He felt, and granted this was just his educated guess, that the house is very close to flush in regards to value. He said that he sees hundred and hundreds of homes and his experience is that it would require 100 dollars a square foot to build a comparable structure to ours. Doing basic math, that is pretty close to what we owe. You have to keep in mind, this is JUST the structure. The property belongs to the business and has never been something we owned or even suggested that we owned. W is aware of that. I also discusssed this with my attorney, and granted she is an attorney, but she felt there was no realistic way that our home could have 80k worth of equity built up. Again, we literally built at the peak and the markey dropped to the ground roughly one year later. Timing at it's worst. This area was flooded with foreclosures. We were lucky enough not to be one of them.[quote]

So pay the few hundred bucks and if you are right, you'll save yourself (and maybe her OMG!!) a lot of heartache AND MONEY

by making it a moot point. Either there is equity or there isn't.

She's cash strapped and you know it. If there is no equity then MAYBE you can deduct the few bucks you spent on proving it, from her meager share of your marital assets.

Unfortunately, I am very cash strapped as well. Actually I am probavbly more so than W. I still have to pay BILLS. She is responsible for very very litle these days. I just signed off on her car, which she was able to finance, albeit for considerably less monthly than she had been paying. Besides, I HAVE looked into it a little I don't believe there is 80k worth of equity. Why is it my responsibility to prove that, and how do you believe that would be saving me money?[quote]

But if you think she's not going to get half of whatever there is,

(apart from inheritance or what you brought into the marriage IF IT was never commingled with marital assets)

then you're not being realistic.

I am being very realistic. I know she is entitled to half of whatever we have together. I just know that the figures she is throwing out are NOT realistic. I had made her a counter offer, but she scoffed at it. We aren't even remotely close to coming to an agreement on a settlement. I think W has watched too many episodes of house wives of orange county. She really thinks I can afford to pay her these things. I can't. [quote]

She said she thought that her offer was fair.

I expressed this to her:

is it fair that she walk away, pocket full of money, no debt what so ever to start her new life while I had to start over with no money and on top of that a huge loan payment, child support and medical expenses? I would be financially strapped.

It fell on def ears. Granted she wouldn't be rolling in the good life, but she wouldn't have a large sum of debt hanging over her head. I would. I ask you, how is that fair? Her reply was that I had the security of my family business, and I would have the house. She is missing the point that I would be PAYING for the house, and I had the support of my family business long ,long, long before she every came into the picture. I don't think that should have any bearing on our divorce. Afterall, her Mom probably isn't going to make me any more cookies. Why don't I get support from her family through the divorce process as well?...haha. It is just so frusturating. I am sure it is par for the course [quote]