I backslid yesterday in a big big way. I had a sleepless night on Friday night worrying over finances and basically the notion that I can't afford this house, or a new one...and all I've worked for in my life...which was focused on my family was gone...this combined with only 3 hours of sleep, then having to pay close to $1000.00 to repair the car I got left with by the W made the "perfect storm" emotionally for me to lose my focus and any positives nag came from Thursday and Friday.
In the morning I had very direct conversation with W about how my life was now personally and financially ruined...everything WE had worked for, WE had thrown away... She just put up the wall...again.
Then in the afternoon, after the car, which was supposed to be a $100.00 appointment, I lost my focus again. I went over to talk to her at her new place. While very calm this time, after 5 minutes about the car, it became an hour long conversation about how she says she is still uncertain about what she wants from life, etc...and me saying, but you gave up on us, the only certainty in life was I loved you unconditionally, you say you were physically, mentally exhausted and your mind was a fog and still kind of is, and you made that decision based on that. She responded saying the only decision in the last year she knows was right was to leave.
We then got into how we overcame such a challenge with the cancer and we both felt so positive, and we gave up.... Andin my heart I feel we could have fixed it and been happier and stronger. She said she thought she could deal with it allow her own and would "get over" the hurt, tiredness, etc.
She then told me that she doesn't want to be married, to me, and probably never to anyone ever again when she thinks about it.
She then talked about not knowing what the future holds, and if we end up friends she is okay with that, and if we end up back together she would be happy too, because it would be meant to be. She reiterated that she doesn't have reconciliations a goal right now, that she needs to find herself. I said I had been thinking about that, and if/when she wants to go to therapy, we shouldn't go with a goal of that, that is too much pressure on both of us. That we should do what we agreed before, start with why/how we got so broken, work on communication and we would both know as we went thru/down that road if there was ever going to be "anything" there again. She agreed, and said she wants to go after she gets back from a trip she is going on for a week.
I told her that there would be no more pressure from me, I would live my life, and I wanted her to be happy in hers. She asked what I wanted from her. I told her I wasn't sure anymore, I want her to be happy, and I guess to talk to me when she wants, and to keep her eyes open to me. She said, i can see changes, but, it doesn't change anything that has been decided...and if you're really meaning it, the changes and better you, then show me...don't talk, show me.
So, once again, I killed my own progress. We did however have swim lessons with D this morning and spent close to 2 hours together and no relationship talk. So, I take that as a small victory.
My brother told me last night to print off a calendar,put it on the fridge, and go day by day, for a month not pressuring her to reconcile, to talk about us, or anything, to keep it light, friendly, only about D or finances if needed, and let her go to live her life. If I loved her, I have to do that, and that is the only road home if there is one..she has to get over the hurt, to process it, and to liveliest without me, and maybe start to miss me more and see my changes... He said that's the only chance...
he said falling off the wagon every day is pressuring and confusing her. He described it like this, "Imagine if she said, let's get back together, then 2 days After said, I changed my mind. The 2 days later said, let's get back together..." you wouldn't believe her after awhile. He said THAT is how she feels about you...on Thursday she sees you validating her feelings and not pushing too too much, then 2 days later right back to pressuring.
