The Art of Invisibility

[mizjjd]

Hey Portia and DMarie Thanks for stopping by

MizJ, you sound very much like unless things drastically change, that you are leaning toward leaving your marriage.

This is true. Sometimes this makes me feel like a rotten person, like a quitter. And I circle round and round with this issue in my mind.

My H is not even close to the man I married, and hasn't been for nearly 20 years. I really think that this is due to his underlying depression. (He, of course, knows the real cause is me.)

He has become such a negative, nasty man.

A newspaper story of rescuing a kitten becomes an hour long diatribe about the waste of resources for a #%$#ing stupid cat.

Middle East conflict? %$#%ing Jews.

One of H's favorite pastimes is the "Squish Game". This "delightful" event takes place at amusement parks or malls, anywhere there are a lot of people. Then H surveys the crowd for those who are, to his eye, fat, ugly, physically/mentally challenged, "too" ethnic. When H finds his quarry he leans to his companion and gleefully says "Blue shirt 6:00, squish!" (He thinks eugenics is a good idea. I find the concept horrifying.)

Dare to disagree? Have a different opinion? (About anything from kittens to blue shirts) A sign of disrespect to H! Or, according to H, outright stupidity on the part of the disagreer.

Yesterday he announced he has realized it must really svck to be a woman. Mental sigh and groan from MizJay, who dumbly asks anyway, why is that. H explains its because it must really svck to need to be told all the time that you are loved, and to need compliments all the time just to get by. And furthermore, women are just incapable of being logical.

I consider bashing my head into the wall but instead ask how it is I've "gotten by" for the past 20 years then?

"I guess you're a man."

And this doesn't even touch the marriage itself... and don't ask me about "love languages" cause that just makes me cry - and laugh- at the same time.

As I see H, for him to make a change, to even get within a mile of the man I married, would take intensive therapy and medication. And he's not willing to do either.

So, either he's been MLC/depressed for 20 years, or this is just who he is. What has changed, what brought me here, is that he went from simply (well, this is in my opinion) not expressing love, to not loving. I guess he was just going through the motions before? IDK.

IDK much I guess (well, what with me being a woman and all ) but H is not a man I'm attracted to anymore, let alone a husband I'm attracted to.

But then, if his behavior is due to depression, is it right to bail because of H's mental illness? How does that make me different from those who bail when the spouse develops cancer, or has a horrible accident?

Grim thoughts for a sunny (but chilly!) Sunday.

So, lets end on a positive. I don't have to work at fastfoodland today

And I'm getting my hair done tomorrow - going for some sassy blond highlights.

PS to DMarie, Wow! They do say everyone has a twin somewhere, we should get your H and mine together... they do say misery loves company.

Cheers!!