its not the emotions.. Just acceptance.. maybe its the fact that I am starting to believe what my W says..
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
kevin, you have some good advice, and I agree with Lyrael and everything he said. One thing, you haven't acted perfectly, but neither has she. Don't take responsibility for what she says and does. The thing you need most right now is emotionally stability and good dose of self-esteem. You need that for yourself and your son. You can never, ever control what she does...but you can make an impact on her by pulling yourself up, taking time to get yourself together, and do not get drawn into any of these fights anymore. The worst thing that can happen to you, and anyone else IMO, is to lose your wit, pride, self-awareness through all of this mess, and we all do at some point when going through this. But you have been going through this for a long time now, and you are tired I am sure. It is time to work on yourself...it's kind of like exercise, I have to make myself sometimes do it...but I always feel better in the long run. Every time you don't give in and live your own life, you will be proud of yourself. Regardless of what happens with your M, you have to remain a healthy minded person. Don't pursue, don't call to ask where you stand, don't ask her about OM. Just live your life, starting now, one day at a time, and you will know when she is ready to give it another try or you are ready to move on. Don't push either right now.
Quote: It seems even the most heart felt apology will never be accepted by my W.
No, it just won't be accepted right now. You both probably said some terrible things to each other and your walls are up. Until they come down there's not a lot you can do and you can't bring her's down only she can do that.
Quote: Just accept the fact that it is over
Or you can accept that you don't control what happens in her mind and work with what you do control like...
Quote: and move on with my life... For myself and mt son.
... OR, seeing a doctor about meds and finding a therapist... for your son and for you.
I think this process you find yourself in is especially hard when you can't detach from it. If you want to save yourself some hurt, stop worrying about your wife and what she thinks and does, and start thinking about yourself and your son.
Outside of anything related to your marriage what would make you happy today? Don't worry about tomorrow, think about today. For me Friday is pastry and coffee on the way to work day. I stop and get a bagel with good cream cheese and a big cup of great coffee. Its probably not good for my diet but it's good for my soul. It's my treat to myself and it makes my day much better. What about you?
Thanks for the sound advice.. Theres a lot there I can work with.. I have an appointment next week with a theripist. I will talk to he about ad's. I know I need them I am just stubborn.. typical male..
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
I hear you. It took a long time before I accepted the need to talk to a therapist, but I was so happy when I did. I wish I hadn't been so damned male and accepted that I needed help.
I think that's one of the problems with being men in our culture. We're supposed to keep everything inside and not show emotion and never admit we're weak and need help. I'm certain this is why men die at an earlier age than women.
I wish you well with the doctor and I hope you have a good weekend!
Quote: I think that's one of the problems with being men in our culture. We're supposed to keep everything inside and not show emotion and never admit we're weak and need help. I'm certain this is why men die at an earlier age than women.
Just what I needed reminding of today, thanks!
Kev, you've been getting excellent DBing advice. Several things that seem really important to point out is that you really need to detach (not give up-detach) because you are emotionally reacting to everything she says and does. That's like hooking up your cart to a wild pony and you are getting exhausted. AD's will help a great deal with your ability to detach, by the way .
Secondly, I hear lot's of black and white, either/or thinking. It is easy to get into the mode of desperately wanting to control things when your life feels out of control, but flexibility is important right now.
So you feel that you've given heart-felt apologies and your W is still angry. Well--forgiveness can often be a process. I am still in the process of forgiving my partner, and some days I have to act "as if" on that too. You are not at a stage in peicing where there are going to be any instantaneous results. Take care of yourself right, like everyone is telling you--it's important!
A question if you will...WHY did you apologise again????!
You had already done so, there was no need to do it again. You probably brought everything to the front of her mind again You apologise ONCE and then leave it...it takes some people a few days for the apology to sink in and the anger to dissipate. I normally expect my H to take @ 3 days to get over an argument, longer if I'm a ditz and won't let things drop. If he takes less time than that then I look at it as a HUGE positive I was in the clear in a couple of hours Mon. night...then I spun it back up again Tues. and he finally started letting it completely go yesterday. Today all seems well again
You have been wisely advised to back off from W for awhile, detatch from the sitch...let her go it on her own for a bit (no lending her your truck, giving her money, being a convenient babysitter etc). Right now you are making it to easy for her to manipulate/use you in a NEGATIVE way. Stop making it easy for her.
I'm for the therapy and AD's too. That whole machismo thing drives me nuts...if more men would learn to stop worrying about their image or what other men might think the world would probably be a better place; or at least us women would't beat ourselves up trying to GUESS what is going on with you all the time.
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
K - I totally disagree with the whole, let her do it alone thing. I think LOVING detachment is the answer, not cutting her off completely - unless you're ready for that. Refusing ot help her out would prolly only drive her further away - altho you might conside not being so available for babysitting unless she really needs it. Truck for job interviews, yes. Constant going out and leaving kids with you, maybe no. Thaat's my thought, anyway. (((Kevin))) Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
This is only the second time in 7 months that she has asked me to watch the kids, so I dont mind.. But yall are right about detaching.. I am going to stop being so convienient to her.. A little more mysterious.. A little less available.. But I cant stop helping out. The kids need to eat.
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
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You apologise ONCE and then leave it...it takes some people a few days for the apology to sink in and the anger to dissipate. I normally expect my H to take @ 3 days to get over an argument, longer if I'm a ditz and won't let things drop. If he takes less time than that then I look at it as a HUGE positive 