NLW, make sure your H is willing to be completely transparent about his financial situation before you agree to settle matters on your own. Before you sign anything have an attorney look over the agreement even if you use a mediation service. I actually went to my H and said that I was willing to settle finances on our own. I went as far as to say that neither of us would win so let's both agree to be transparent about our situation, wants and needs and then let's accommodate each other where we can. I also said I didn't want either of us to walk away feeling like we got screwed by the other. Well, that's when the spew started again. I couldn't believe it. I was as kind as I could have been, but he just couldn't be mature about it. You would think I was the one who left. So, try to be amicable, but be careful.
The last few days I've had this gnawing feeling that I need to find a new attorney or at last get another opinion about how to handle my case. I have a bifurcation hearing coming up which is very important. If granted it means that my H can then buy a house with his gf, maybe using community property, without me needing to sign a quit claim deed. In the meantime we will not have a settlement and my house will still be held jointly. If my H remarries then his W will have a claim on my home should he die or D her. This would also be a financial hardship for me since I would then need to pay for my own medical insurance. In my state these motions are usually granted. I would hope that the judge would see exactly what my H is up to and deny it, but I can't take any chances.
In the meantime, I'm concerned that my attorney called the recent settlement offer less than perfect but thought that I should consider it with a few minor tweaks. After I dissected it I found so many self serving clauses that I was shocked that she did advise me to reject it immediately.
Also, my H received a very large bonus over a month ago. I am entitled to a large percentage of it which means that I will finally have some financial security after almost 18 months of scraping to get by and being controlled by my H. He and his attorney know that he has to pay it, but are refusing to until I sign an agreement. I'm sure they think that I will get tired of struggling financially and will cave in just to get the money. Well, I'm not. I don't care if the boys and I live on rice and beans I'm not signing anything that will have serious ramifications later.
It's been almost a week since I received the offer and I haven't talked to my attorney. Apparently she's been in court or meetings all week. I feel completely comfortable with my decision to reject the offer and go to court, but I am starting to feel anxious about my representation.
I swear we are going through parallel lives on 2 different continents.
I know exactly what you mean. I have doubts about my L as well. He seems to think his job is simply to reduce the amount that I will have to pay my X.
My view is that we need to make clear that X has systematically defrauded me, my parents and the kids over a long period of time. He should pay us, not vv.
MY x's strategy has been to try to make me cave by withholding money too. As my mum said "He doesn't know us at all."
Is there anyone you could ask to find out about who has a good reputation as a D lawyer in your town?
I know how you feel about this matter - it seems to be the key. You need someone who you can believe will fight for you. Not just go through the motions.
Is there anyone you know - extended family or friends - who knows someone in the legal business. Put out your feelers and do your best Kalinda Sharma. You need to get the good oil on a few Ls.
Believe me, everyone in the L business will have an opinion on everyone else, so as soon as you find an 'in' you will get good feedback and you can start to triangulate results.
As weird as it sounds, my hairdresser did a good job for me. She asked all her legal clients who was the best L in town, and they came up with a list of 3 for me.
I have to agree with this ^^^^^. Lawyers want what's best for them in the short term. NOT what's best for you in the long term.
The longer you can hold out, the better (and more fair) your deal with H will be. As a matter of fact, I just read somewhere tbat lawyers' D tends to be much shorter because they know Xs will jump at first deal they're offered because they know their Ss Ls will convince them to take the initial offer (and thus earn them their commission that much faster).
Good luck and please be strong.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
I disagree. The longer you hold out, the bigger your legal fees will be. It doesn't automatically translate that you will get a better settlement.
What YOU feel you need or are entitled to is one thing; but what a JUDGE will likely award you is something entirely different. If your attorney is any good at all, they will be trying to give you a realistic idea of whether this is a reasonable settlement.
You are very focused on keeping the house, but bear in mind that sometimes this is a mistake that women make - trying to keep things "the same" for their kids, and ending up house-poor and at risk of losing it all through foreclosure if they can't keep up.
Ask yourself, does the settlement include the following? - child support for the kids based on the formula of your income and his - a fair split of retirement assets (401k, pensions, IRAs) - splitting the equity in the house (I know you feel you're entitled to the appreciation since he left, but legally that may not be the case - unfair, maybe, but realistic. What does your lawyer say about this?) - alimony (usually based on some formula of the difference between his earnings and yours, and for half the duration of the marriage - these rules are softer and more variable from state to state, but would be the average I believe). - split the non-mortgage debt 50:50
If you have all of these items in the settlement - then it is probably a good one. Maybe not all you feel you deserve, but probably as much as a judge would give you. This is a business transaction and you need to take the emotion out of it.
KML, thanks for your thoughts. No, the settlement doesn't include all of those things. In fact, the major part that's missing is the community funds that my H hid and used to start a whole new life including furnishing an apartment, dating, etc. He also claims that he doesn't have to pay me a large part of his income, which is false. As for the house, I cashed out a large part of my retirement to buy our home. I also have paid the mortgage and maintained it for the last year and a half. As for being house poor, that won't be the case. Rent in my area is actually much higher than what my mortgage will be once refinanced in my name. This is a very sore subject for me as I've had to do without a lot to keep all of the bills current while my H has been hiding money, partying and generally living irresponsibly. If a judge wants to order the house sold, so be it. I won't allow my H to run over me anymore. Sure I want my house. I feel I'm entitled to it. My H doesn't want it. He's just holding it over me to get out of this cheaply. I won't be at his mercy anymore. He got the tax write-off for last year which is more than he should have gotten. That's all I'm giving willingly.
He also claims that he doesn't have to pay me a large part of his income,
I would expect that if a large part of his income comes from bonuses, then recent tax returns would be used. It was my understanding when we divorced that alimony could always be revisited - that is, if his income dropped precipitously in the future, he could go back to court and get them to reduce the amount he was paying me. So if he is arguing that last year was an unusually good year, perhaps you could include some specific provision to recalculate on a yearly basis or some such.
If he is hiding unreported cash from a business, then a forensic accountant may be needed.
If he moved out and furnished a new home, that money may not be recoverable - the minute he moved out you were "separated" and any money he gave you was more like child support/alimony even though not official. (If he wasn't giving you a penny, then you might have a good case about the house equity).
6 months to refi is not reasonable, btw. I had to have the ink dry on my divorce papers and a YEAR of cancelled alimony checks in order to finance my new home purchase after divorce. You should get at least a year.
As for your retirement being cashed out to buy the house originally - if you were married at the time, then all that means is that you definitely should be entitled to split whatever retirement assets exist now 50:50. Does he have pension/401k/IRAs?
And I understand that you want the house because payments will be cheaper than rent. Don't forget though that major expenses can go with houses (new roofs, water heaters, plumbing problems etc) and you don't want to put yourself in a position where you might lose the house and all your equity to foreclosure if you can't keep up. Just make sure you don't put all your financial eggs in that one basket.
I appreciate all of the input. There's lots to consider. I will hardly lose the house to foreclosure. I've been paying the mortgage and maintaining it on my own at a much higher interest rate than I will have when I refi. Also, my H got the write-off last year (foolish on my part) which I will get going forward.
Actually, money that my H had or was owed at the time of separation is considered community property. The law is very clear about that.
My attorney knows I am entitled to a lot more than I am being offered. Unfortunately, the only way to get it is through discovery and trial - expensive! It's my call. My H is a fool and just looks spiteful. By the time I have backed out the cost of selling, my retirement and the principal that I have paid down he will get very little equity which is more than offset by the bonus money he has been withholding. As far as refinancing goes, I have been working with a broker who has assured me I won't have to wait. I just need a finalized settlement. In fact, I probably only need a final support order which I can get pretty quickly. So my position looks good. I just had to quit living with so much fear. I'm a lot more capable on my own than I thought I was. My H and his attorney were playing off my fear.
By the time I have backed out the cost of selling, my retirement and the principal that I have paid down he will get very little equity
The cost of selling - good if you can get it, but not how it is usually calculated. Just a heads up.
Your retirement - again, if you were married at the time that you cashed in your retirement for the down payment, in my community property state at least, that would have been considered a joint decision and the money converted to community property once it was mingled into a joint asset (would be different if that occurred before marriage). Again, good luck with that but it may not happen.
The principal you have paid down - was he contributing anything to support during that time? If so, an argument might be made that the money he was paying was for family support and therefore partially applied to the mortgage.
Not saying any of this is fair or right, and I'm certainly not a lawyer - just a heads up that none of these issues are clear cut.
