Hi fy, sry about the car but it does sound like she is genuinely away with the fairies and its not the fact that u bought it so to speak. I suppose some of the db basics re no expectations might be apt. Made me laugh about iPad as my w is moulded to hers. Dread to think what wld happen if it got damaged!
Sounds like u handled the whole car sitch well all things considered.
I know you know, that the thing about you BDing her is that it could bring with it a decision that doesnt include you.
I think BD and ultimatum are not the words I should have used. Let's call it "Acknowledging Reality", because that's really what it is.
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I also think that she is comfortable with the way things are.
She is, and she knows I'm a good deal for her, even if she's not "In Love". This is why I feel a gentle acknowledgement of the reality of my desires and expectations are not likely to cause her to bolt, or make any big decisions "that don't include me". I'm only aiming to plant some seeds, not press for any immediate commitment or resolution.
The longer I hold my feelings in, the greater the chance of me blowing it badly at some point when I can't take it any longer. Better, I think, to choose a good opportunity (like when we're connecting) and make my feelings known in a constructive manner. Follow along and take notes kiddies!!!
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You really are a very special man. I hope and pray that she wakes up soon to realize it.
Thank you so much for this comment, and your continued support and guidance. It truly means a lot to me.
This morning W ran a 10k, and I returned the bug to the dealer. When we both were back home, we talked about her trip with GF, and she gave me a near hour by hour detail of each day. What they did, where they went... it was a very comfortable conversation, with W clearly not holding anything back.
One day they hung out with Pepe (or was it Jose? She couldn't remember) and his buddy for a while.
M: Were they hot? W: (in a "I suppose" Meh kinda manner) Pepe was... they were both young.
Eventually the buddy offended GF somehow and the girls decided to leave.
Wednesday was drinking day, and W ended up passing out. Doesn't remember 5-6 hours. Had to be taken to her room by resort personal. Got sick. Found a small bump on her head. The next day was come home day and she clearly was hung over. No wonder she could care less about any car.
This afternoon we're going out to a barbershop show my Dad is part of. Tomorrow we'll see her Dad. This girl ain't leavin' me. But I need to be more than just friends with my wife.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Made me laugh about iPad as my w is moulded to hers. Dread to think what wld happen if it got damaged!
Thanks for the drop in rky. While my W loves her iPad, at least she doesn't have a phone. Well, she does, but it's a cheap non-smart phone and she almost never uses it.
UR: Do you make clothes for iPads too?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
She is, and she knows I'm a good deal for her, even if she's not "In Love". This is why I feel a gentle acknowledgement of the reality of my desires and expectations are not likely to cause her to bolt, or make any big decisions "that don't include me". I'm only aiming to plant some seeds, not press for any immediate commitment or resolution.
The longer I hold my feelings in, the greater the chance of me blowing it badly at some point when I can't take it any longer. Better, I think, to choose a good opportunity (like when we're connecting) and make my feelings known in a constructive manner.
I think you have that exactly right, FY.
You really are a very special man. I hope and pray that she wakes up soon to realize it.
Thank you so much for this comment, and your continued support and guidance. It truly means a lot to me.
You are very welcome. I am honored if I help in some small way.
No wonder she could care less about any car.
Well, there you have it.
But I need to be more than just friends with my wife.
Yes, you do. You deserve a full, rewarding marriage, FY.
"The longer I hold my feelings in, the greater the chance of me blowing it badly at some point when I can't take it any longer. Better, I think, to choose a good opportunity (like when we're connecting) and make my feelings known in a constructive manner. Follow along and take notes kiddies!!!"
I completely get your frustration but be careful. I know you deserve a better fulfilling M but remember no pressure. The car could be perceived as pressure and if she is anything like MLC or even a normal WAS then your feelings wont matter to her. This is all about her and her journey and I worry even if you try and put your view across in a constructive manner she will bolt. She can't handle her own feelings let alone yours and the last thing she needs is reminding about what she is doing to you and how bad it makes you feel.
It really does look like she is not going anywhere and getting through this in her own way. I know you can't wait forever but you are still early days for MLC. Just keep the focus on you and let W work her own path. I am sure she will talk eventually about the R but unless you are 100% prepared for her to walk I wouldn't even risk planting that in her head by talking about how you feel and the R in general.
FWIW it also sounds like she is letting off steam and not on the look out for an OM.
You are doing such a good job and seem to be in a good place and as you have said you are not going anywhere.
Just give it time, dig in and let her come to you. I am sure it will happen but on her timeline. Unless an OM does appear there seems to be no reason at this point to rush her or back her into a choice she is not ready to make.
I know you won't do anything rash and perhaps I am overreacting/misreading your posts. But my view FWIW would be to still sit tight. I am of course a bit sensitive to all this as I learned the hard way with W and she bolted. I too thought I was being constructive etc etc but all she saw was pressure when she was just extremely confused. This made her feel bad that she could not leave me dangling and forced her into making the decision to go. All this was just before I started DBing but still very relevant. Would she still have gone.....IDK, but I sure as hell lit the fuse paper for a quicker exit.
She needs to feel safe and that you are the light. Remember you want her to come to you because she wants and not because she feels bad/pressured.
Hang in there buddy. You are doing great and I still think you 2 will be fine.
The car could be perceived as pressure and if she is anything like MLC or even a normal WAS then your feelings wont matter to her.
I have returned the car and removed all pressure to find a new one. Lo and behold, she started doing some car searching on her own today, which tells me that my feelings DO matter to her. We discussed it for a bit over coffee today, (initiated by her) and I made it clear that there is no rush, and I am open to whatever options she is interested in.
She can't handle her own feelings let alone yours and the last thing she needs is reminding about what she is doing to you and how bad it makes you feel.
She has no idea how bad I sometimes feel. I've been the king of "acting as if", and PMA. My plan is to not mess this up as I move forward.
It really does look like she is not going anywhere and getting through this in her own way.
^^^Thank you for this.
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Just keep the focus on you and let W work her own path. I am sure she will talk eventually about the R but unless you are 100% prepared for her to walk I wouldn't even risk planting that in her head by talking about how you feel and the R in general.
FWIW it also sounds like she is letting off steam and not on the look out for an OM.
You are doing such a good job and seem to be in a good place and as you have said you are not going anywhere.
Just give it time, dig in and let her come to you. I am sure it will happen but on her timeline. Unless an OM does appear there seems to be no reason at this point to rush her or back her into a choice she is not ready to make.
I know you won't do anything rash and perhaps I am overreacting/misreading your posts. But my view FWIW would be to still sit tight. I am of course a bit sensitive to all this as I learned the hard way with W and she bolted. I too thought I was being constructive etc etc but all she saw was pressure when she was just extremely confused. This made her feel bad that she could not leave me dangling and forced her into making the decision to go. All this was just before I started DBing but still very relevant. Would she still have gone.....IDK, but I sure as hell lit the fuse paper for a quicker exit.
She needs to feel safe and that you are the light. Remember you want her to come to you because she wants and not because she feels bad/pressured.
I couldn't agree more.
Hang in there buddy. You are doing great and I still think you 2 will be fine.
Thanks rky. You not only have a good grasp of our sitch, but offered up some really good thoughts there.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Also, W joined me on the couch tonight to watch Svengoolie. I brushed her hair/scratched her head for a bit and she enjoyed it and thanked me. A while later I asked if she would use the head scratcher tool on my head, and she did. This is a rare event. It felt good. Afterwards I thanked her.
I hope to slowly increase this physical connecting. If I go too far I'll know and will back off.
Getting something makes it a lot easier to press on, so I think it is best for both of us and the R.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
