Crazy little thing called MLC

[Raine]

rH I don't have that desire anymore, not really, not like before. I feel like me and H have a 5% chance at this point. The standing is for the old H, to get him through this. I feel like I promised him that when I married him. I care about him. I care about the boys. I feel like I can see him through this and still be okay to walk away. The tides have turned. I think he feels we have a better chance or desires it more than I do. But at the same time he has so much guilt he doesn't feel he deserves it/thinks i deserve more.

Starting over with someone else, a mature man, not some man-child who has done so much damage...sounds so appealing. But I'm not innocent and trusting anymore. I know that there is no perfect person anymore, not like how I felt when I feel in love with and married H. Now everyone has baggage. Now there are kids on both sides of any new relationship and x's and drama. Maybe I'm mourning the fact that no matter what happens, I will never have my version of perfect family again. All that has died and I'm in a whole new world--like I'm growing up again and everything is a mystery. Everything is the first time again.

Ever since H left, I have felt from him that he feels we are not married. I know he doesn't want to hurt me and part of the convo yesterday was that he always tries to be honest with me unless it's going to hurt me and then he won't say anything. The boy is trying.

So today at son's game, he tells me he needs to get me OW3 email so I can thank her for the baby gift. I know in his mind I have no clue, and he has forever broken off physical contact, and he thinks of her as a friend. So he probably feels this is fine. I of course inside am screaming annoyed. He goes on to say it was really nice and she gave more to the baby than anyone at work did. I said, yeah including you. He said whatever. Was it a witchy thing to say? For sure, but I don't care. It was very nice considering what I wanted to say.

Then on the way home he starts talking about fantasy's I had before, and I feel sick. It's joking right, but that kind of stuff is gone from my thinking--forever. It's no longer fantasy when you've been cheated on. It's no longer fantasy when the person you love has made it his reality. I told him I'm done with that. He said, done with sex? I just laughed and said I'm done with the thought of sex for recreation.

I'm feeling amazing! Sleep would be a gift, but I'm getting what I can. I'm liking where I'm getting physically, weight and health. I'm looking forward to being more and more active as weather improves. Everyone tells me they are amazed at how the boys are. So happy and so easy going and secure. I know they are getting that from me. Mom is okay and mom is happy, everything is fine. H and I don't fight period, and nothing is ever said in front of them. Of course they want daddy home, but it's not something they talk about and focus on.