I took it a bit personal when AnotherStander posted about his feelings about dating and received some...dissenting responses, shall we say?
Stander is a person I look up to and respect on this board (as are, I hasten to add, ForeverYoung, labug, and others), so when he catches flak, I get a bit protective, I'll admit.
Now, I'm not an apologist for Stander, but nor does he want or need me to be, but if he has decided to see someone socially, who are we to second guess him?
Some people here (mostly women, I notice, but maybe that's just coincidence, I couldn't say) seem very opposed to dating. And that's great if you've made that decision for yourself. I've made that decision for myself, as a matter of fact, but who's to say that there's something wrong if people make a different choice?
What I DO know is that dismissing someone's feelings isn't validating. In fact, it's how people become repressed, afraid to express their feelings or opinions. I would like to think that people here would have had experience with that and started to move beyond it.
Plus, I myself and many if not most other posters here are at a fairly delicate and emotionally taxing point in their lives. So criticizing them for the decisions they make is just a bit cruel. Not that that is their intention, but at times we could all use a bit more compassion and try to be more constructive.
Finally, what's the difference between dating at this point and an affair? A lot of people's Ss have made it clear that they should move on with their lives and they are quite hostile in what little interaction they have. Affairs are all about deception, being illicit, and deliberately inflicting pain. An LBS, I would venture to say, wants relief from pain. And I would venture to guess that most LBSs who do date go into it with their eyes wide open and knowing the risks of moving too fast. Or at least I hope they do.
Me? I'm a stander and I'm gonna keep standing until there's no use in trying anymore. But I won't criticize anyone who decides that GAL might include at least exploring their options, if only to reassure themselves that life will go on after an eventual D.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Not everyone will agree on everything. What's true for one person is not true for another.
I'm not second guessing anyone else, merely stating my truth, also hard won. That's what we do here, speak from our experience and our growth. Take what you can use and leave the rest.
When you said Thanks for not being at all sarcastic or pedantic labug. and I was wondering that myself I felt confused because it seemed you were saying one thing but meaning another. What were you needing there?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
"Good observation, that's how most people get into their second failed R...."Gee s/he "makes" me feel better, my spouse must have been crazy, I'm really OK and this feels so good!"
All the same stuff that gets people into affairs."
Which I read to mean "That's a dumb thing to say and dating (for an LBS) is a good way to get into another failed R."
Which I now realize was the exact opposite of your intentions.
So, when I wrote "thanks for not being sarcastic" (which itself was meant ironically) and you wrote "why would I be sarcastic?", I said "I was wondering that myself," meaning "I wonder why she is being sarcastic?" Which you weren't trying to be.
Looks like even though I've been making progress, the quick temper is still an issue for me.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
I think your irony was more sarcasm, something I used to indulge in until someone wise explained to me what using sarcasm really means.
When I asked what were you needing, perhaps asking what were you feeling would have been clearer. But you answered it, I think by saying your "quick temper" is an issue. It's good that you recognize that, now what will you do about it?
The good news is, having the same issue resurface gives you more opportunity to make changes. That's where the growth happens, when we no longer blame others for our feelings but take full responsibility for our feelings and our reactions.
I wish you luck.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
