Hi guru Stander! I just read about your friendship with your "lady friend" on your thread. I don't think I am interested in dating at this point -- still too soon and I have more work to do on myself -- but I can understand how that might be appealing to a DBer.
After months of working really hard to change myself and being pleased (but not yet fully satisfied) with my progress, having W only see that through a lens of anger and distrust, I can certainly understand the allure of someone appreciating me for my good qualities rather than judge me purely on past failings.
I'm just weary of jumping into a new R too quickly, and yes I think I would prefer not to date outside my M as long as it still exists. Don't know if that's naive or old-fashioned or noble or foolish -- whatever the reason, I think that's just the way it's going to be until D-Day. Wouldn't that be ironic to get divorced on June 6th?
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Stander probably does feel that on his own, but he's like a musician: it's fine to jam but it's also nice to have an appreciative audience
As for me, I can't criticize anyone's choice of how to get through this, the most stressful time in anyone's life. I won't date because I still don't really know exactly who I am and what I want (I need to find my bearings living on my own in this foreign place), but I can also understand the appeal of having someone to talk to who doesn't have that sneer of disgust plastered on their face during most interactions.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
I don't think I am interested in dating at this point -- still too soon and I have more work to do on myself -- but I can understand how that might be appealing to a DBer.
I certainly wasn't suggesting that you or anyone here should date, that's up to each individual. I was just responding to your question.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
Shouldn't we feel all that while on our own? I know I do.
BD has a way of deflating our egos and destroying our self-esteem. We feel dead, alone, unattractive and undesirable inside. I doubt there are many people that can get those feelings back solely on their own. It takes external feedback and stimulus to help us rise above the tragedy that's been visited upon us by our WAS's and to help us remember who we really are.
Quote:
If you need someone else to validate your love for yourself, I see that as a problem, or at least a shortcoming.
I disagree. That's what GAL is all about and why we constantly counsel people to pick up GAL activities that involve other people. It's interactions with others that remind us that we're not completely defined by our marriage, that there's a lot more to us than that. Interactions with people other than your WAS remind you that there's a real you buried in there that can be pleasant, funny, attractive and even sexy to others. It's kind of like jump-starting a car. If you leave your headlights on and your battery dies, the car is dead inside. But jump start it off another car and it springs right back to life and runs just fine on its own. Most of the time after BD we need others to jump start us before we can start feeling good about ourselves again.
No argument that "junp starts" can help short term. Just saying that we can't depend on others to make us feel worthy, sexy or happy. Not our spouses and not some hot new chick in a bar.
It must come from within or it's not real and won't last.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
No argument that "junp starts" can help short term. Just saying that we can't depend on others to make us feel worthy, sexy or happy. Not our spouses and not some hot new chick in a bar.
It must come from within or it's not real and won't last.
I agree with this ^^. "Jump starts" are what our WAs/MLCers depend on to make them feel good. I do not want to be someone's emotional crutch, nor do I want someone to be my emotional crutch. Because then, what have I learned? That I can apply a band-aid as well as my partner did? I know everyone has different views on this and what is right for some is not a good fit for all.
But self-respect and self-love that comes from a pure place inside of each of us is right for all.
I agree with this ^^. "Jump starts" are what our WAs/MLCers depend on to make them feel good. I do not want to be someone's emotional crutch, nor do I want someone to be my emotional crutch. Because then, what have I learned? That I can apply a band-aid as well as my partner did?
But self-respect and self-love that comes from a pure place inside of each of us is right for all.
Thanks Portia. You stated that quite nicely.
A quick fix is not a long term solution.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
"I certainly wasn't suggesting that you or anyone here should date, that's up to each individual. I was just responding to your question."
Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you were suggesting that I start dating. I was just expressing how I felt about it for me, in the current sitch. You know I'm a fan, Stander, and I appreciate your feedback and for sharing about your own experiences. "Dude time!"
Hi ForeverYoung and Portia.
"A quick fix is not a long term solution."
This is true (by definition), but I think it misses the point. Let me offer an example based on my experience.
4 months ago, I was in what I thought was a secure M (of course, we had our prolems), and since BD my W has turned from my life partner to someone who wants me to have no part in her life. I am persona non grata and she treats me accordingly.
Now what I miss most of all is not the physical aspect (as some seem to suggest is the main reason anyone would want to date), but rather just having somebody who gives a rip about you as something other than someone to pay half the bills and take the kids off her hands 50% of the time. It sounds harsh but, well, there you have it.
I want to reiterate here that I'm not interested in dating at this time, but I can understand why someone would want to feel "liked" again by a member of the opposite sex. W had however many months to prepare herself for BD, I got a cigarette and a blindfold, so I can understand that desire to connect to someone and allow myself to accept that I'm really not this monster she has made me out to be.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Good observation, that's how most people get into their second failed R...."Gee s/he "makes" me feel better, my spouse must have been crazy, I'm really OK and this feels so good!"
All the same stuff that gets people into affairs.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
on your thread. I don't think I am interested in dating at this point -- still too soon and I have more work to do on myself -- but I can understand how that might be appealing to a DBer.