good for you i guess - it is reeally hard not to "do" what you do for them . you're strong to resist - it was hard to not give in and have mercy.
and wow - if that is what happens when you do- that he gathers momentum to spew. hearing you say this stuff- i have to say that THAT kind of thing is what makes me (*almost) hate people in life- PEOPLE THaT FORCE ME TO BE HARD.
I FIND IT soooooo distasteful to have to watch myself that strictly - keep back my sympathy- my actions and hold back- HONESTLY - that it almost makes me hate em.....
is that sick or what? (them sure- but me too?) the need to provide comfort being so strong. (my old thing of my mother saying I care "too much". she doesn't even know me- ... wtf
i know some people see it as my "problem" - - it seems to me that i have alot to give and can afford to be kind - who can't? my life is not so awful i can't spare some compassion for a poor sap -
yet- they take it and it feeds their need to jack ya around. maybe receiving comfort empowers people somehow - and they see the person providing it as foolish to do so- and somehow like it gives them an "upper hand". ya think? maybe this is the deal with my mother & h? my constant and willing "service" makes them despise me? it's kinda sick- i feel happy & grateful when someone is nice or goes out of their way to be kind. wtf????
wtf is it dawn? it's not just your h- it's human nature maybe? i want to become an alien about now- and not feel this stuff anymore.
maybe we should go (minor) mlc and just STOP the madness. WELL- YOU WISELY ARE- I'M GONG TO TRY AND FOLLOW YOU AND BE MORE AWARE OF WHAT I'M (really) seeing & doing..
i think you are sounding very wise about what your sitch is and how you can control him and his part - by what you do and your part. very objective.
i need it this a.m.- here's me going off to consider more closely what i am doing and stop a bit.
do YOU think it's creepy & self-indulgent to go around being nice and enjoying it if people like you?
HEY- MAYBE this is why i'm finding this awful middle school experience kind of interesting and entertaining. MAYBE I'LL BE COME REALLY TOUGH AND TOUGH AND TOUGHER - FACING THESE LITTLE AWFUL DELINQUENTS DAILY- I CAN GET ALONG WITH THEM SO FAR- well, they listen, don't speak disrespectfully or awful to me and we can "connect" one tiny bit (I can't get them to actually do their work) but they don't kill eachother orm e-
MAYBE I WILL BECOME A POWER BABE - AND GO AROUND takng command and so forth (hopeful thinking huh?) too bad shool is almost over- i may need a year or two to conquer4 totally my sappy nature....
finers crossed. you've inspired me this morning and i'm off to see the wizard.
one way or the other- i'll conquer this mess. well, i have to, don't I??? or what? die - don't think so thanks....
xxoo onward & upward today
thanks for sharing- it helped me alot today- i need to figure how to protect me better too- step back- stop thinking "it all matters" so much- if you can do it- i can too - rite?QQQ!!!!!!!
