you're sounding very philosophical today- well, yesterday. i'm a bit less so.
you got me thinking today - in (i think) a different way (or maybe i've said this all a million times) my objectivity is skewed- anyway- please excuse my lack of "order" - but i'm trying to gain insight & some detachment from your own. i can "hear" your little slender threads of attachment still , in the background- but you are tougher and moving away - and I need to be also.
just tired as heck and cannot get out of my own way. only had one mug of coffee and need another i guess to actually begin functionng. MAYBE I'M feeling something like you are feeling- the just "done" thing. i hear it in your "voice" about your h and his rants - that ow can have them. i get sooooo much continual rant on a daily basis from my mom (and i think it's just a small small version of what you get ) - i don't have the juice anymore. h never does "dump" - he just does his "rock" thing. makes me wonder- he asks me about my mother continually- the sitch - i don't even want to discuss it- i'm sick of it- then i wonder if he sees me (and encourages me to be) ( - as i see her)- a giant ball of negativity????? oooorrrrr - if he's just deflecting any kind of conversation off him - "us" r, onto a good old standby problem sitch out there , that's always a good bet.
ya think he could be asking & obsessed with her (mom) - so he can reassure himself i'm just a bunch of "trouble" and he's right to be happier with ow? - HEY- I THINK i'm on to something here. next word out of my mouth will be positive ... no kidding.
i've been being positive allover the place about school - what do you think about this mother crap- think he's specifically leading me along to be negative???? is it twisted or possible?... i am such a dope - see what i mean- it's always easiest to expect more from ourselves - and blame me for playing into his hands? or do you think it's other thing- just a neutral conversation base for him ALWAYS...
i'm curious - would your h like you to be negative? do you feel? does he ever want you to be "the bad guy?" - it sound slike he is always happy to have you be the good guy and he's the "awful person". maybe i'm off base comparing them (my mom & your h) - but it was the motivated by anger thing got me thinking here in a new vein.
I need to somehow , (seriouslY) get some detachment just like you are doing. sitch w/my sister & mother & nurse took up the two days I didn't work this week. - i wish i could just get hold of my emotions and not let it affect me. I got sooo MAD other day with this visiting nurse jerking me around- i swear- just absolute shaking rage by time i left. i didn't act on it or say it - but truly- it can't be normal or good to get like that. somehow it's got to be do-able- taking the reigns and not allowing emotion and feelings to creep inside and get to you. is that what you're feeling. ? did you ever JUST RAGE about it all like crazy- and now you feel like neutral? successful? defeated & deflated by his (predicament) and why bother?
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Why would I want that around me! He says the strength he gets from being able to be angry
geeez - this sounds like my mother. getting strength from anger. you have me wondering this morning- I know she's mad to be old - 88, failing memory- nobody around (except me) - all of it. she's depressed by it- it's terrible to get old - and MAYBE it's as bad to be all accepting and docile- BUT REALLY??? THE absolute constant negativity and rage- i too find it impossible to be around so constantly. now i feel like a mercy-less b!tch...
I can see why you can't do it- i can believe your h getting "strength" from it - i think it is what keeps my mother alive - honestly- and chugging along having her life.
if she's got an enemy to dislike & blame for everything- she can continue to function. I think if you took the rage away- she might just melt down into a puddle of deflated skin. no kidding. how can your entire life be taken over by only that?????
I've noticed for years (and used to laugh about it) that she has to "HAVE AN ENEMY" or she's not happy.
I join you in feeling sad for your h - if the one central "bad guy" for your H is HIMSELF... HE turns it on himself, doesn't he? i cannot imagine it. my mother will crucify anyone- she's got a very very strong self-preservation thing going on. me- i'M more like your h TO A VERY small degree. i find i am willing to accept blame for how messed up our life is- this house in nj was the beginning of the end (maybe) (tho, finding out he was cheating or thinking of it long before that?) i just don't know anymore. it's a HUGE PART OF IT ALL THO. as am i- i'm sure. . feeling (as i do) totally defeated by this whole process and not caring to even try anymore (more and more kind of) - I can't imagine having that total rage and then absorbing it yourself. it's sure tangled and scary stuff-
what goes on in people's heads. i would never want to be a psychiatrist. it's so gut-wrenching to see people suffer- torture themselves- ALL OF THE people around them- the whole ball of wax.
i can see your delimma (clearly today)- caring for someone who is crucifying themselves- and killing you in the process. CRIPES - IT'S so sad isn't it- what people do to each other - themselves, etc. i guess i don't have a darn thing to say abot this all other than that-
you are doing great dealing with something soooo heart-rending & bad.
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he is honoring the M "rules" but he belongs to nobody...not even himself!
I just don't know how you would reach thru all that stuff to get to him. if he can't reach thru and save him- how could you?
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I hope to take A's advise one day and be able to say, thank you for giving me my freedom! I'm seeing it, it's hard because we want them to say why aren't you fixing us, but it may never happen. I hope to reach that point of happienss one day where I am grateful to have been set free.
i know- i find myself resistent still - that stinking little grain of hope about an otherwise perfectly good person turning into a giant jerk and never comng back. i hope i reach the point too. i don't "get" the "set free" part tho.
if they were "setting us free" they'd be walking out and forcing us to just jump in and deal with it once and for all- get thru it and our own selves come out the other side. i'm thinking they know we would- move on and away without them.
my h & yours too could make it very darn easier for you and me. - they could finance us- they could be kindly and supportive & just step out of our lives - IF THEY HAD THE STRENGTH TO DO IT. IF THEY cared so darn much for their ow- freedom- anger- whatever- they'd be sooooooooooo nice & ultruistic and make it all easy. AND THEY DO NOT do it- they linger- and obviously cannot decide , and can't embrace their new lives to the exclusion of their old one - wtf??? dawn.....
without them actually DOING THAT- FORCING US - (for our own good - if you will)(or even for their own good) they KNOW we're soft hearted- loving, etc. alllllllll the things they don't want to let go of - someone that loves them that long and well- so they're not doing anything FOR US - maybe - they're just NOT DOING anything TO US???? (well, except torturing the hell out of us) MAYBE they're just afraid of ending it all? maybe they're afraid they might be making a big mistake - and don't want to take total responsibility for the off chance they're ruining their own happiness???
oh geeez - is this me just trying to assign blame as usual? I began somewhere- but i'm ending up here and guess my "conversation" has lost me.
sorry i'm nutty this a.m.- i am going to go get on with my life - i'm soooo tired feeling today- even 8 cups of coffee are not making me zippy- i don't want too much - do i? just to be happy and pleasant and proeductive every stinking day of my life- just to save everyone around me who needs it- just to not be the regular old stupid/flawed human being i am - maybe with a good heart- but unable to save myself & my sinkng "ship" here! CCCCRRRRRRRRIPES! DAWN- what the heck is it with human beings ???? this woman is going to just get "off the hook" rite now - REPEATE AFTER ME (idiot- self) - YOU DIDN'T BREAK HIM- YOU CAN'T FIX HIM - YOU DIDN'T BREAK HIM- YOU CAN'T FIX HIM - YOU DIDN'T BREAK HIM- YOU CAN'T FIX HIM....... do i believe it- i want to - i think i can - i think i can
xxo HOPE YOUR DAY IS WONDERFUL- SORRY to be a sad sack here- xxoo
