Time For Me (Part 3)

[sayitaintso]

Man, looking at 5 days in a row just stresses me out.

I was completely stressed out about this and I guess it depends on each situation. Hopefully your stbx will realize what is best for the kids is having each parent in their lives as much as possible.

Pick one night out of the 5 w/o them and ask your stbx if she minds if you take them out for dinner or ice cream. Hopefully she will cooperate and if not now maybe in the future when things settle down.

My stbx lives .25 mile away which can be good and bad. I will have to drop things off that they forgot or need and vice versa so that gives me opportunities to see them even if only just for a few minutes.

We also cover for each other if our kids have different things going on or if we have work conflicts.

We also every now and then split them up for a day so we each can have some 1 on 1 time with our younger two.

As I'm writing this I feel that we must be doing a good job all things considered but I have many other emotions cycling when it comes to her and the transitions are definitly not always easy.

[Spartan]

I usually don’t discuss my W on here anymore because I don’t see much value in it since she’s gone batshit crazy and it’s all about me any way . Today I’m going to change that up a bit and maybe start a little discussion. I saw something similar posted somewhere else so figured it was a sign to post here. I also like writing books on Friday mornings so here goes…

Last night my W tried to start some small talk which I quickly and politely got out of and started watching the Braves/ Giants game. I quickly zoned out (how could you not watching the Braves) and I started thinking about life, LL’s, and that type of stuff. Thinking wasn’t something that ever got in my way before but something that keeps happening as of late .

My thoughts eventually revolved around why in the world would someone who says they want out not leave and instead even try to initiate discussions with the person they want to be away from? She’s been perfectly content the last several months living together as friends and co-parents and we continued to do family things together and have fun. Truth is if you zone away from my emotional hell I've felt not much day to day had changed in our lives besides the fact that she cut me off even though she’s still sleeping in the same bed… She doesn’t stay out all hours, didn’t change her wardrobe or hair, her schedule is pretty constant, nothing much besides a few things. While I don’t believe much of what she says anymore for discussions sake let’s pretend she believes it. She’s told me she wants out of M and filed D paperwork 7 months ago, has said she doesn’t love me several times (her latest actual line was “I’m completely indifferent towards you”), she blames me for everything that’s went wrong with her life, and she holds on to the old anger/ bitterness like an addict holds on to their last drug.

Is it money concerns? Nope. Early on I told her that if she really wanted out we could set up a separation agreement and she could leave free and clear. I’d pay all the current bills and she could use all her money on a new place and new life. She asked me why and I told her I wanted her to be happy and if this is what she felt she wanted then I didn’t want money concerns getting in the way of her finding herself.

Is it kids? I don’t think so. Early on we were at 50/50 custody and things seemed fine. Custody discussions started taking a turn about the time I started talking about leaving. She knows I won’t move out until the custody deal is agreed to and signed. It seems like we’re drifting further and further away from the 50/50 with each discussion.

I believe it is fear that keeps her here. Fear of being alone, fear regarding kids, fear of not having me there to pick up the pieces, fear of her getting sick again, fear of having to do everything (many things for first time in her life), fear of failing, and maybe fear that she has no one to blame if things don’t go right.

I also wonder if maybe (doubt it) she’s waiting and hoping for something to change within her. She’s mentioned several times that she’s seen the changes in me but she still thinks the old me is in there. It’s frustrating to hear that but I understand she doesn’t trust it yet because we’re not that long into this and I have had a couple backslides during these last 7 months. She’s also told me she won’t change her mind until she feels something different inside her which I’m fine with. Why else would I want her to change her mind?

I also know from one of her friends (completely unsolicited) that W feels a lot of shame and guilt for her part in our past. She’s not the type of person that asks for forgiveness or admits to being wrong so this is a big hurdle for us. I feel I’ve forgiven the things I know about the best I know how to and haven’t brought them up or referenced any of it in a long time. We also started going to church together a few years ago and I know from previous talks she struggles with some of the topics and wonders why her believes aren’t always aligned. In fact in our last talk before mediation, that I thought was going ok, she all of a sudden got upset and yelled at me saying “I guess I’m just not a good Christian”. Had nothing to do with what we were discussing at the time, maybe she was having a different convo in her head??? I just sat there looking at her with I’m sure a WTF look on my face because it caught me so off guard, she looked at me, looked embarrassed, and left.

Well there’s my Friday book. Not planning to change anything with my current direction. Going to continue to stay dim to protect myself, work on me, GAL and try new things, and try to implement the proposed 5-5-2 schedule the best I can. I’m just journaling my thoughts and not necessarily looking for suggestions to change. Figured maybe get some theories on why someone would stay with someone that’s obviously as bad as the LBS that may have finally seen the light…

[Breakdown]

Seriously dude....you've read my sitch right?! Lol

[Accuray]

Yes, the WAS hanging around can make you feel it's because they are still attached to you and secretly want things to work out, but as you guessed it's often just fear and procrastination that keep them in place.

The only way "those feelings inside her" are going to change is if she sees you as a prize to be won, because you are:

-- attractive
-- self-confident
-- happy and fun
-- not available to her

[JuneReN]

And maybe, when it is right for you, you look at separation as an option? Although, your kids are pretty young yet and it is hard on them at any age. I have t say, you all who have in house "separations" have strength that I do not know I could muster..
Ruby

[Spartan]

The only way "those feelings inside her" are going to change is if she sees you as a prize to be won, because you are:

-- attractive
-- self-confident
-- happy and fun
-- not available to her

Well that doesn't bode well for me

Attractive: Wife doesn't drink anymore due to illness so next...
Self-confident: I used to fake it, now I'm feeling pretty good about most things and it's showing
Happy and fun: Check, now we're in my wheelhouse
Not available to her: Sigh, really blow at this one but starting to work on it

[Breakdown]

I was going to say, isn't that list pretty much what we've been talking about for the last week? The beginning is the hardest...just keep going.

And while you may not be attractive, maybe your self-confidence and happiness will be enough to override that

[uRworthy]

Hey Spartan, not really a book, a novelette maybe? LOL!

My xh had a MLC and is still in the tunnel, I think. Though peeking out a bit lately.

Anyway, sometimes, he and I have discussions about stuff.

Now, there are those on here who know of my xh and his antics and our conversations.

And sometimes they sound like something out of, "One flew over the cuckoo's Nest". Trust me on that one.

But he and I did have a conversation once about why he stayed.

Warning: Do not do this. We have a unique way of talking.

Anyway, I asked him, "Why would you announce that you no longer wanted to be married, that you were unhappy and wanted out and then stay in our home for a year? I mean, I dont get it."

He said, "I needed to say those words. I meant them. But following through on those words was very difficult. It meant untangling from a relationship of half my lifetime."

I said, "Im thinking I wouldnt say those words unless I was leaving. But maybe that's just me."

Ok, now, here comes the part where the cuckoo was flying around the clock again.

He then says, "Look, uR, I hear what you are saying. I guess it was crazy to you that i would say those words and stay. But you have to understand, I was unhappy and when you are unhappy you say things without thinking."

Huh? Ok, enough said.

[JuneReN]

^^ I think that some people have to say things to make them real.^^

[uRworthy]

I hear you, Kate. But it didnt really make them real. Real would have included him actually leaving.

I agree in his mind, it made it real in once sense. But, not really in another.